Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

What a weirdo.

Blatant cocklodger. If you can change the locks right now then do, he's got you set up as his meal ticket.

Honestly he had no reason to just turn up with his stuff.

I'd be tempted to just leave it outside tomorrow.

If his parents aren't far away I might just leave it at theirs now to be done with it.

LOL He has gone back to parents to beg, manipulate, gaslight, bully, guilt trip them, threaten them with "then waffle waffle and I won't ever move back in"?

Indeed, that is HIS priority tonight. Not you.

If I were you, I would put heavy furniture against the door, soI would hear him come in and have his bags by the door so I pass them over. Put door on latch RIGHT NOW and leave your key in from inside.

But knowing me, I would text advising he is not to come back to my flat as it is late now; that I will drop off his bags at parents' tomorrow morning or afterwork. Tell him he can throw the key away as you have changed the locks.

Look, those of us with these strong boundaries do not end up on MN many many years later writing similar threads. I wish all women were like me: I have the strongest boundaries around. Sweet, fair but have my limit and I enforce it without flinching. Happy life!

Honestly, i think he will come in later. Hes making you sweat. Hes hoping youll send text after text eventually begging him to come home. Id pop his stuff back to his parents, let them know hes not moving in you never said he could and get the locks changed asap. If you cant do that, id double lock doors/put stuff in the way so he cant get in etc eg a heavy chair leave key in the lock slightly turned. Can you ask someone to stay over tonight?

What kind of person moves in without discussing it. Change the locks asap op. Can he not afford to live on his own??

Please do this, I worry he will turn up later (maybe drunk?) As another poster said, he might be expecting you to let him in so your neighbours don't hear any noise.
Take care.

OP, my interpretation of your update is he realises he's shot himself in the foot!
He might be hoping that if he gives you a bit of time you will forget about his terrible and (in my eyes) bizarre behaviour?
I wonder if he had a row with his parents and stormed off with 'that's it I'm taking my stuff and going to live with Girlgamer'.
He hoped this would make them back down (over whatever the row was about) but they thought 'thank goodness he's finally left home'.

So his intention all along was to bully you into letting him stay. You've had a very lucky escape there, OP.

I'm laughing in disbelief at the sheer audacity of this guy, it's staggering. Secure your home for tonight so he can't get in then change the locks tomorrow. Dump his shit at his mum and dad's place and tell them what he just tried to pull.

I think he's deliberately gone awol, erroneously thinking that if he goes missing for however long, the OP will be really worried, and when he finally reappears she'll be so relieved that she'll welcome him with open arms.

Pfft.

Or turn up really too late to go anywhere else.
He's thinking about how he can get round you.
Probably a bit late tonight, but drop his things off at his Mum's tomorrow.

He's trying to play mind games with you by 'disappearing' hoping that you'll chase him and let him move in because you feel guilty.

Normally I'd say message him and just put his bin bags outside and tell him to collect him. But if you know where his parents live then I'd definitely take his stuff there and message him to say that you've done so. I think it sends a stronger message and also his parents will notice too.

When you text him where his stuff is also say you don't need his key back as you've changed the locks also add in that he is not to contact you again. Otherwise he will try to arrange a meeting in person to hand over the key!

Also make sure you change your locks ASAP. If you can't get it done immediately then I would also take preventative measures like bolting it (if you have a bolt) or putting a chair in front of it with saucepans on or something. This would slow him down and make a noise.

Not trying to scare you at all, he probably won't attempt to come in but it's better to be safe than sorry.

He is hoping that you will realise the error of your ways, that you will never get a better offer than him, and that when he does show up you will have rearranged your house to accommodate him, moved the most comfortable chair in front of the tv for him, that you have put in an order for the biggest tv on Amazon,filled the freezer with steaks and the fridge with beer. Did you remember to order a mini fridge to go next to the comfy chair, still time!

It’s going to be a bit of a shock when he strolls up and the key doesn’t work. 😃

As he has your spare key, lock your door and leave the key inside, and if you have a chain put the that on.

Wow, what a cocklodger. I can't believe the gall to move in without asking and then insists that eh stays or the relationship is over.

Sounds like he going to be living with his parents for a long time. Please end the relationship and move on.

Sounds like he going to be living with his parents for a long time

Yup, I agree!

Upvc doors just leave the key in..
Call the police if he turns up aggressive.
You won't look foolish but he will look stalker ish...

Can you get an emergency locksmith out tonight, so your house is secure in case he comes back very late? Or have someone with you?

This! Odds are good that he will let himself in late, possibly drunk, slide in bed with you, then act all faux confused when you (hopefully) challenge him. Make sure he can't get in.

Protect yourself, OP. His behaviour is very far from normal and I worry that you're already partway groomed to accept and minimise it.

Just in case you don't know - changing just the barrel of a lock is really easy and doesn't need a locksmith. It takes about 5 minutes, 3 of which are spent finding the youtube video of how to do it. Don't get ripped off - if you ask a locksmith to change the locks they'll pad it out to replacing all the other components that don't need replacing and they'll charge you through the roof.

More mind games. Man child 🤦🏻‍♀️ I would absolutely not be happy he had a key and could just walk in at any moment. If you leave your key on the other side, will it stop him from being able to open the lock? I’d def call an emergency locksmith if you have the funds to do so.

OP stop being so passive with this complete arsehole idiot. Put his stuff outside, get an emergency locksmith, ring his parents to tell them what their babying has done and how much you are owed for changing the locks. He’s behaving like a toddler, time to tell mummy and daddy ( who may feel so embarrassed they’ll pay his debt and clear his mess, but it’s probably unlikely they will)

He's not moved in - he's visiting with a lot of his personal belongings. You decide.

His level of entitlement and lack of self awareness would be enough of a red flag to have no contact with him.

I’m shocked at how manipulative he is. Be hateful he has shown his true colours now and not further down the line!

I bet he is waiting for it to blow over so you can reconsider his amazing proposal 🙄