Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

“Cocklodger mode” has been activated 😔

@capstix

if the OP was your daughter, would you respond to her as you have done on this thread?

Do you always get angry like this? Seriously.

👏 Good for you! Yet another red flag, giving you that ultimatum!

Oh give over. Her ego isn't bruised. It's her intuition telling her - quite rightly - that a man who just turns up and announces he's moving in without any discussion, is a man that needs to be shown the door. Particularly when said man then turns to emotional blackmail to try and get his own way.

Love may be hard to find, but it's really not that difficult to find a 30 year-old cocklodger who doesn't want to live at Mummy's house anymore.

Yes.

Are you the hobosexual in question?

"No man falls in love quicker, than a man with nowhere to live"

You should get that tattooed, @capstix Would really suit you

He's not even that, a cocklodger would try and sweet talk his way in and then start with the domineering when he's got himself established.
This man has tried to bulldoze his way in.

Why is she asking the question at all? You seem to have decided the relationship is over for her. Let her listen to advice and make up her own mind. Stop being angry that I don't have the same opinion as you.

Cocklodger by stealth.
This is typical hobosexual behaviour - fall in love with some woman with her own place. Then there's some kind of "accommodation emergency" which means he has to move in with his girlfriend - this is often something like a nasty landlord/fall out with nasty housemates/nasty parents want him out etc.
Once he has his feet under the table there will be some kind of "employment emergency" such as losing his job (obviously through no fault of his own)/being bullied at work by nasty workmates or manager/some kind of mental health crisis. He is then out of work and quite comfortable living at your expense and makes little to no effort to find a new job and screams "mental health" any time you make any noises about him contributing more either by taking on more of the household tasks while you work or by finding employment.

You see it a lot on here.
Just tell him to move back out. And so what if the "relationship" is over. You don't need this kind of aggravation.

Get rid. He sounds awful. Anyone with any maturity would be open for a discussion about the situation rather than issuing an ultimation. Pack his stuff and leave it outside the door. Let him go snivelling back to mummy - it's where this toddler belongs.

When he goes to work pack his bags and leave them at the front door.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO LET THIS GO.

No boundaries - red flag

Its a test to see what you tolerate.

Why don’t you show her this thread

without telling her your user name

and see what she says?

WTAF

She doesn't want him to move in. The only ego here is his!

Yes. When a boyfriend turns up in your doorstep without any discussion, no prior commitment such as an engagement, and says he is moving in, the correct reaction is absolutely to be outraged by his arrogance and to throw him out.

This is 0% due to OP’s ego
And 100% due to the boyfriend’s massive ego and sense of entitlement and overstepping of normal boundaries.

If you have allowed someone to do this to you, you can still change your mind. If you did this to someone else, you are outrageous. Mostly I think you’re just trolling us all.

So in other words (and reading between the lines), his parents have turfed him out, he knows if he asked you’d say no, so he’s done it anyway and is using threats of dumping you to keep you in line so he can cocklodge with you instead of them.

He clearly likes the easy life so I’d save him the effort and dump him.

Point him at the door unless you want him there. It is your decision, not his.

Oh, grow up. She doesn't have to take your advice or mine. Stop being furious with people whose opinions differ from yours. You'll live longer and have more friends.

capstix · Today 18:48
persistentyes · Today 18:47

if the OP was your daughter, would you respond to her as you have done on this thread?
Yes.

Can we agree to ignore the goad - just too obvious.

Well OP, he has made it clear he does not love you as he sees no other value in you than getting him into housing he obviously believes you owe him so why wouldn't you dump him?

If your only use to him is providing him with the house he failed to achieve himself, what does that make you in his mind?

I think you have to - threatening to end the relationship unless you allow him to stay - when you have made it clear that you were not ready for this step - is coercive control. If you let him manipulate you now, it will continue.

There should have been a conversation during which you invited him, or one where you discussed buying a property together. If that has never happened this is a power play. Regardless, he needs to go. You are still young, certainly enough to find another partner, one that is not living with his parents, unless it is to save a stonking big deposit for a place of his own. And even then I’d be wary because I’d only take this step with someone with a proven history of standing on his own two feet.

So sorry. If this is the end of a relationship, but he isn’t giving you any other choices.

PS do you have a girlfriend who can come around if you need back up?

As all others have said… end the relationship, kick him out, change locks and move his stuff out before he finishes work and have someone with you as he will try to manipulate you

It seems like it's yours. If she'd decided she wanted to end the relationship she wouldn't have needed to ask the question.