Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

Emotional blackmail as well!

I wonder oh I wonder i n what culture it is acceptable...

" what seems massively significant to you does not to him"

If that is what he thinks, then he is too stupid and immature to be in a relationship with someone who is paying a mortgage on a house.

He knew EXACTLY what he is doing. He is hoping to pressure @Girlgamer to let him stay and manipulating her to do what he wants.

He needs to go back to his parents, save money and get a place of his own to show he is mature enough to have a relationship.

@Girlgamer there are lots of ways to "surprise" someone and make it a good and caring surprise. Showing up on your doorstep with his bags is NOT one of them. Have you asked him why he wants to move in? Did he get kicked out of his parent's house, or did he leave because they wanted chores or money?

I truly hope you're listening to the masses here who are warning you. Love may be blind but remove the rose colored glasses and keep your reality ones on.

none, and I say, none just turns up with bags declaring; I have moved in.

not your sister, not your best friend, not your mum.

maybe a call of: can I just pack my bags and move in with you today/tomorrow/ in one week/ one month?

Regardless I will be asking him to leave tonight as I am not ready at all to share my space.

No, don't ask him to move out, tell him to get out.

Girlgamer · Today 18:00
For context, he is 29 (almost 30) years old. We’ve exchanged a few texts and a call today and he has said he’ll be giving up on the relationship if he has to leave. I said I’m happy for us to continue dating, talk about things, and he can stop over the odd night like he’s currently been doing. But he said he’s had enough of stopping over and he’s ready to move in and if I’m not ready, then it’s done for him. Regardless I will be asking him to leave tonight as I am not ready at all to share my space.

Please stop trying to appease him.
He has just said 'I move in or it's finished'.
That's shown you exactly how he considers you - provide him with a home or else.
Honestly, I don't think he will leave that easily.

Sweet Jesus, the nerve of him!
I would take this as a sign to end the relationship, as he is never going to communicate like a grown up

he has said he’ll be giving up on the relationship if he has to leave.

I think this would be for the best all round. These things need to be discussed and agreed first - not come as a surprise to the home owner. The fact he is still with his parents is a major red flag. He has shown you who is he and it is not nice.

Tell him to leave. It's your home. He doesn't get to unilaterally make that decision. He can go straight back to his parents.

Do you normally set your relationship bar this low? Seriously.

Why are you even considering continuing the relationship when he treats you and your home with such blatant contempt?

I would be calling a male friend/ relative to be there this evening. failing which, the pol!ce. this is not normal behaviour and I would be afraid of him this evening.

Darling I'm so worried your going to keep him and he will make your life hell.

Not all men behave like this, please dont assume its your last chance. But if you dont respect yourself and reinforce obvious boundaries guys like this will try to exploit you.

What will you do if he is in and turns nasty? Your safe space will be gone there will be nowhere to run because he is there.
His 'love' is entirely conditional and he is muscling you.
Please tell us how it goes because we will worry for you.

You don’t ask him to move out, you tell him. Or better still put his stuff outside. What a horrible man. If you don’t end this you will regret it.

You obviously think the answer is to be outraged and furious and throw him out. I'm probably a fair bit older than you and have seen lots of breakups where friends of mine exercised their egos to their own detriment.

But he said he’s had enough of stopping over and he’s ready to move in and if I’m not ready, then it’s done for him.

Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

This guy is a walking red flag.

Bloody hell.

You've swerved a full-on cocklodger who thought he saw a nest to cuckoo in. I expect his parents have been wanting him out, and he had no intention of making that happen on his own.

Oh my god. Just read the update.

All the above

He's trying to emotionally manipulate you. It's started now and it won't stop.

I respect your views but I've been around too long to suggest someone throws away a relationship because their ego is bruised. Love is hard to find. Even harder to keep.

So it's his way or the highway, is it? Do as you are told and let him move in whether you like it or not, otherwise it's over?

Good. Let the rubbish take itself out.

How is it in any way to OP's detriment to put this jerk's stuff in the garden and change the locks?

This is not love, it is a pathological disregard for OP's right to decide who lives in her home.