Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

[Girlgamer]

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

Do not let him 'stay until he finds something else' btw. Because he won't want to find something else, he'll want to wear you down with manipulations until you just decide to let him stay.

'No. We're over, please leave'.
'I'm not interested in discussing it further'.
'No you cannot stay tonight'
'We are over and I'd like you to leave now'.
Etc.

A relative or friend would be handy if they are free tonight. But do not let him stay even one night.

Don't let him backtrack to 'ok we can keep dating' either. Though you can let him think you would if that'll make it easier to get him out the door. Then just text 'upon reconsideration, this relationship has reached its end, do not contact me again'.

I stand by stuff on doorstep, lock doors and stay inside though. If he kicks off, call the police but do not open the door.

For goodness sake if your old enough to be having sex your old enough to tell him to move straight back out if that is what you want

Well, that's a nice bit of manipulation.

Get rid.

I don't know how old he is but maybe he's just put a foot wrong here and what seems massively significant to you does not to him. By all means ask him to leave but bear in mind the signal you're sending him - or how he might interpret it, at least. If you broke up, would you regret not handling it differently?

I am betting h would ask to be put on the deed to the house, so after he pays a few months, he can claim it's partly his and OP will be stuck.

He will say anything at all to stay, @Girlgamer . But this is not in your interest at all. He has taken liberties with your kindness and your relationship. If he does this now, what is next?

Wow, stick to your guns OP. Did he say why he thought this was the appropriate way to go about it, making a unilateral decision?

He must pretty thick if he expected this to pan out. Either that or he thinks you are.

Just read your 18:00pm update. Wow! Maybe he thought he was being romantic turning up like that - did he bring any flowers? Wine? Etc

However, him threatening to end the relationship is emotional blackmail. Basically, he’s saying that if you terf him out, you’ve broken them up, not his actions. Don’t be fooled by this.

He does sound like a petulant little boy. How long have you been dating?

(my moneys on argument with parents also).

Please tell us that you have kicked him out and that you are safe.

Oh wow he clearly has no boundaries and expects you to go along with whatever he wants!

Pack his stuff and leave it on the doorstep and lock the doors. I can’t imagine he’ll go easily or will want to stay until he’s found somewhere else. Keep yourself safe.

"he’s ready to move in and if I’m not ready, then it’s done for him."

So, trying to manipulate you too? TBH I don't know why you're happy to continue dating him. A part of you - the sensible part - will be forever on high alert, waiting to see if he's going to pull another stunt, try and back you into a corner, take liberties in general. Trust me, you'll find it stressful and exhausting. Tell him that's fine, been nice knowing you, good luck with your future relationships yadda yadda yadda.

Do NOT allow him to move in.

He's bullying you to accept a decision he's decided on , that directly impacts you, without even a discussion.

Apart from the fact his actions are unbelievably rude and arrogant.

Let him go. Don't let him change his mind.

He sounds horribly controlling.

Standard abuser behaviour tbh. Railroad victims into accepting bulldozing behaviour. Manipulate, threaten, then if that doesn't work, a switch to guilt tripping and love bombing.

Regardless I will be asking him to leave tonight as I am not ready at all to share my space.

Sound decision, OP. You're wise not to allow yourself to be manipulated.

That is shameful emotional blackmail. Stick to your resolve, don't allow yourself to be manipulated and don't capitulate to him or you'll be setting a very inadvisable pattern in motion. Needless to say, there is no benefit in this for you. It's not about what he's 'ready' for. It isn't his house. Having moved in without so much as a discussion with you he's now banking on being able to strong-arm you into doing what he wants.

I can guarantee that if you do, and if this CF gets his feet under the table, it will be so much more difficult to get rid of him. I'd also bet my boots that he's very well versed as to his 'rights'. This man has potential abuser written all over him. He's already expecting that you'll do as you're told without argument. The male entitlement is writ large with those types.

As to those upthread who are expressing doubts as to the extent of this bloke's Cheeky Fuckery, I had one do this to me too, many years ago now. Turned up on the day I moved in and I was so blindsided that I did nothing straightaway other than making up my mind on the spot that he wouldn't be sticking around long, and girding myself to end the relationship. I was 21 and had just bought my first house. It took me a few weeks longer and several more serious fucking liberties before I lost my shit and kicked him permanently into touch.

That felt good and I never looked back. Neither should you.

End the relationship. Ask him to move out tonight.

In. That.Order!!!

I cannot get over the breathtaking cheek of this guy. So he turned up last night, announced he was moving in whether you like it or not, then this morning just buggered off to work without a care in the world?

I assume when he gets home he's going to argue it's "too late" for him to leave this evening and you've got to let him stay for another night. You really haven't. There are these amazing things called 'hotels' he could look into.

Are you the boyfriend?

What an arsehole! How dare he threaten you!!!

at 29 id say he is more interested in loving our of his parents, despite not facilitating it himself, than the actual relationship.

He's an emotional blackmailing twat.

I wonder why you're happy to stay with him?

He's shown no respect for your feelings or wants.

Is this how he always deals with things?? He does what he wants with no discussion???

Exactly this. The audacity of the man. He's fed up with stopping over and felt ready to move in WITHOUT ASKING. Honestly OP, you've dodged a massive bullet here!

So @Girlgamer he’s decided to move in without asking (probably kicked out by parents). And now he has given you an ultimatum?

It’s awful but - I think you’ve had a lucky escape. I’d shove his bags back outside and if there is the remotest chance he has a key, change the lock(s). You don’t even have to reply (although you could). I’m normally in favour of talking but - he’s given you a completely insane/bonkers/weird ultimatum hidden in a ‘surprise’ around a serious matter that, had he any respect for you, he should have discussed with you.

It might have been salvageable had he not given an ultimatum (probably not). But not now he has.

@Girlgamer
Is this man from a different culture?
He must be or he would realise he'd never get it over the line.

More like the doting mother of the boyfriend.

I often can't understand why people ask for advice in situations like this!