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Original poster

Partner moved himself in WITHOUT my say so

1000 replies

Girlgamer · 29/07/2024 14:43

So my partner moved himself in last night… he literally walked in with his bags packed and said he’s moving in. Made himself at home. I was shocked, because we’d not had the conversation yet about him moving in. He just invited himself in. He used to live at his parents. He’s moved into my own house/mortgaged and said he is happy to split the bills and pay his way. What do I do? Because I’m not sure I feel ready for him to move in, and I’m shocked that he’s just come on his own, saying it is a “surprise” for me…

OP posts:
NewBrightonEel · 29/07/2024 17:38

What a cheeky fucker! This is a huge red flag - I'm guessing that if you stay with him a proposal and talk of babies will follow very shortly. Don't fall for it - as soon as another woman with a bigger house and more money comes along he will be off "surprising" her as well. He's a massive loser.

StormingNorman · 29/07/2024 17:39

This would be a red flag for me. Tell him to go back to his mum and dad’s and you’ll talk about it later.

Then work out whether you want someone that makes these presumptuous unilateral decisions in your life.

NotStayingIn · 29/07/2024 17:41

Please dear god woman don’t be so stupid as to let him stay! Can you imagine what the rest of your relationship will turn into? You are 1 million times better then this bullshit.

Tahlbias · 29/07/2024 17:44

That's one hell of a surprise 🫣👀

notacooldad · 29/07/2024 17:45

*Stop being so wet and stand up for yourself.

Not everyone can. You know nothing about this tosser except that he has moved himself in.
I think whether she is too 'gentle', overshadowed or scared OP needs someone with her.
Op has given no indication that she is scared, just that she was shocked. Even if she was stunned into silence shock would wear off and a conversation could be started.

Pinkbonbon · 29/07/2024 17:49

Realistically though op, I know it sucks when relationships end but...you don't really have a partnership with this man. Partnerships are formed on mutual respect. But this guy doesn't have any for you it seems.

He's a cheeky fucker and as well as being tod to turn right back around and sod off, ge should probably be told never to darken your door again.

Please don't let him guilt trip you for saying 'no' either way. No one has the right to just move in to someone else's home with no say so. And you don't owe him your safe place just because he's fed up of his.

It's OK to say no.
Infact, in this scenario its even ok to say 'you have 5 minutes to leave before I call the police'.

kkloo · 29/07/2024 17:50

That's crazy!

How long have you been together?
How often does he normally stay over?
Do you have kids?

It's crazy regardless of the answers but just want to see how bad he actually is!

Bumcake · 29/07/2024 17:50

What would you do if I come over later with my bags and say I’ve moved in? Whatever that would be, do it to him.

Pinkbonbon · 29/07/2024 17:52

NewBrightonEel · 29/07/2024 17:38

What a cheeky fucker! This is a huge red flag - I'm guessing that if you stay with him a proposal and talk of babies will follow very shortly. Don't fall for it - as soon as another woman with a bigger house and more money comes along he will be off "surprising" her as well. He's a massive loser.

There might be talk of a wedding but it'll never arrive xD

Wouldn't put it past him to try encourage op to be lax with birth control though. Figuring he'll knock her up and trap her into being his new maid.

Wonder if his mum got sick of running about washing his skivies and that's why he left home.

magicmushrooms · 29/07/2024 17:55

mumedu · 29/07/2024 17:21

I wouldn't entertain the thought of keeping him. Just no. It sets a bad precedent for him to do this type of thing again and again. He has trampled all over your boundaries and is just thinking of himself.

Show quote history

Agree but what are the chances he thinks split the bills & pay my way would he no more than £100/month? He has come from his mother’s - he is going to be clueless.

VotesForWomen · 29/07/2024 17:56

You REALLY need to put his bags back out on the doorstep and tell him he certainly hasn't moved in to your home, because that would have involved a mutual conversation involving you and that certainly hasn't happened. Send him off and IF there is a relationship to salvage then he can attempt reparations strictly remotely from his parents house.

bonzaitree · 29/07/2024 17:57

When my bf moved in it was a discussion- his tenancy was up and we discussed the best thing and decided he would move into my flat. We discussed how finances etc would work. I did a shit load of de cluttering!

We were both v excited and I was so happy when he moved in.

And that’s normal. That’s how it should be.

What even is this… stupidity? Entitlement?

Pinkbonbon · 29/07/2024 17:59

Infact op, if you do continue a relationship with him, make sure your birth control is airtight on your end and only use condoms he has had no prior access too. Because he may try to knock you up in order to get you to let him move in and stay.

If he's never lived away from home then also be clear he needs to do so for at least a year before you two move in together. That way you can see he can keep his own house and pay his own way.

Original poster
Girlgamer · 29/07/2024 18:00

For context, he is 29 (almost 30) years old. We’ve exchanged a few texts and a call today and he has said he’ll be giving up on the relationship if he has to leave. I said I’m happy for us to continue dating, talk about things, and he can stop over the odd night like he’s currently been doing. But he said he’s had enough of stopping over and he’s ready to move in and if I’m not ready, then it’s done for him. Regardless I will be asking him to leave tonight as I am not ready at all to share my space.

OP posts:
Nanaof1 · 29/07/2024 18:01

Girlgamer · 29/07/2024 14:58

Thanks all, I was really shocked and quite disappointed how he just showed up out the blue with his stuff. I haven’t asked him to move back yet cos I’m just a bit taken back and a bit worried asking him to leave will end the relationship. But I’m really unsure if I even want him here, I like my own space. He’s currently at work so I have time to think about what I’ll say to him when he’s back.

Personally, with the 1000 red flags blowing in the wind, I have to wonder why you'd care if the relationship ended? Anyone who just moves in without an invitation or permission is already trying to control the other person's life.

Don't be that person, please.

Let him walk but don't let him stay. He does not control your life and he did not move in for "your benefit".

I am guessing he got kicked out of his parent's house for his actions.

🚩🚩RED FLAG ALERT! 🚩🚩

crampyi · 29/07/2024 18:01

This is so unhinged

you’ll dodge a bullet by ending things

travelforthesoul · 29/07/2024 18:02

OMFG tell him to fuck off and not come back! How DARE he dictate where he will live and whether the relationship will continue or not.

Fluffytoebeanz · 29/07/2024 18:02

Good grief. He's really not got any clue about how relationships work has he?

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 29/07/2024 18:02

Also, all heterosexual women should make it a matter of principle to never live with a man who hasn't yet lived independently of his parents (excluding living as a student).

Any man needs to demonstrate himself as being capable of dealing with all the humdrum chores of running a home, dealing with bills and bins and maintenance, before they are deemed fit to be a partner.

If you don't do this you will end up being "mum" to an overgrown teenager for the rest of your life.

He needs to get himself a flat.

Pinkbonbon · 29/07/2024 18:03

Girlgamer · 29/07/2024 18:00

For context, he is 29 (almost 30) years old. We’ve exchanged a few texts and a call today and he has said he’ll be giving up on the relationship if he has to leave. I said I’m happy for us to continue dating, talk about things, and he can stop over the odd night like he’s currently been doing. But he said he’s had enough of stopping over and he’s ready to move in and if I’m not ready, then it’s done for him. Regardless I will be asking him to leave tonight as I am not ready at all to share my space.

Oh gosh op, what an awful man

I don't think you should even let him back in your house. Put his stuff on the doorstep, lock your door and dont let him in. You've said all that needs said to this manipulative person.

I'm sorry he turned out to be a shit. But in a small mercy, at least you've found it out so clearly.

crampyi · 29/07/2024 18:03

Also do you have any backup that can be with you when he comes home?

unfortunately he might turn nasty or act in an unpredictable manner. He’s obviously not happy you’re asking him to leave

dontcryformeargentina · 29/07/2024 18:03

He thinks you are a pushover... He isnt your partner btw - he is your user...

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 29/07/2024 18:04

Fuck, next it will be "I expect this" or the relationship is over "I expect that" or the relationship is over.

Basically he sounds like a manipulative arsehole

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 29/07/2024 18:05

How long have you been dating?

JL690 · 29/07/2024 18:05

You should move him out without his say so. He has some cheek on him but absolutely no right to move himself in.

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