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Original poster

Husband 'cheated' but I think it's ok? Opinions please

140 replies

thespian14 · 28/07/2024 13:26

First off, DH is an excellent partner and father. Gives 100% at all times, no complaints there. We have 2 under 5's.

A couple of weeks ago he was on a 2 week work trip. Very intense project in a small team of 5 people, 14hr days with all breaks and meals taken together etc. One of the team was a woman he used to be former colleagues with, have always been friendly. I had no jealousy or worries before he went.

Midway through the trip me and him had a row. The frustration on my side was that he wasn't calling us in the evening before he had dinner with the team. He took it as I didn't want him to go out, I said nothing of the sort I was just frustrated that he was going straight out and not checking in with us before he did. He has been on trips before and been bad at this and I had thought we had discussed it. From my side it wasn't a big deal - I might have been a bit OTT with him but I had been home alone with 2 toddlers losing my mind a bit.

He basically went out, got drunk - the woman he was friends with invited him up to her hotel room to keep drinking he said yes and they went up chatted a bit she dialled up the flirting and kissed him. He said he stopped it immediately and left.

Now I do believe him. He is autistic and pretty much incapable of lying when asked direct questions. I am cross that he put himself in that position (ie going up to her room) but I do understand that he is absolutely rubbish at reading social situations. He also is extremely caring and she basically coaxed him up because she was crying about her dad dying recently and she didn't want to be alone. He would have wanted to check she was ok. He also doesn't usually drink. He was absolute idiot to firstly be in a strop with me after our row, secondly to go up to her room and thirdly not read the cues.

I did the initial ''aaaaaah he cheated on me' but since I have calmed down and listened to him and I think that it is ok? He also since he has been back has found a therapist (completely his own idea) in the hope he can learn some more coping mechanisms to stop anything of the sort happening again.

This isn't divorce worthy is it? I still love him, I believe he still loves me and wants to do everything to fix it. He was desperately sorry and distraught - he didn't eat for days.

OP posts:
ByCupidStunt · 28/07/2024 13:27

Years ago, it used to be normal for couples to be faithful to each other. Nowadays, it seems to be normal for couples to be unfaithful. Yet another reason I'm single.

Anyway, YANBU to let it go - fill your boots yourself while you're at it!

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/07/2024 13:29

Well it’s your call isn’t it. Some people would accept this, some wouldn’t. I wouldn’t. You do sound like you are minimising what he said happened (never mind what actually happened).

Appleflapjacks · 28/07/2024 13:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Mysterweepinata · 28/07/2024 13:33

I don’t think it’s worth ending an otherwise happy marriage over but I wouldn’t want him working around the OW in the future.

Tel12 · 28/07/2024 13:33

Let it go. It's really not worth turning your life upside down over.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 28/07/2024 13:34

Idk - I'm autistic and could lie like a rug if it suited me. I just don't like lying. It doesn't mean I can't do it.

Would he be as forgiving of you in the same situation?

Autism-wise though, I would find "checking in" very tricky and distracting - assuming you want to stay married to a man who kisses his colleague, could it be a text rather than a call?

zerored · 28/07/2024 13:34

I could forgive this, if you believe he's telling the truth. It seems silly to give up on a good marriage with kids over a drunken kiss that he didn't want, and he seems to be doing the right things to try make it up to you and show he's remorseful. What a shock for you though. Maybe see how you feel in a couple of months as you'll still be processing it all.

NuffSaidSam · 28/07/2024 13:36

I don't think it's worth making your kids have to live between two homes over this.

I'd let it go and move on. He told you what happened, that's the key bit of info for me.

NuffSaidSam · 28/07/2024 13:37

I'd also give him a break over the 'checking in'. Surely you can go a few days without speaking to him when he's working so intensely?

MissMoneyFairy · 28/07/2024 13:42

What's happening with the colleague who coaxed him up to her room, knowing he was marri3d and vulnerable. It takes two to tango.

NoSnowdrop · 28/07/2024 13:42

Just because he’s deigned to find a therapist wouldn’t change my mind a jot - I couldn’t continue with someone who cheated on me.

I would care even less that he hadn’t eaten for days.

Your life, your decision. However I think you need to wake up and stop minimising his despicable behaviour.

Original poster
thespian14 · 28/07/2024 13:45

NuffSaidSam · 28/07/2024 13:37

I'd also give him a break over the 'checking in'. Surely you can go a few days without speaking to him when he's working so intensely?

Yeah, we have spoken about this at length and it was a total miscommunication on both sides. My frustration was he was repeating something that we had spoken about before also my 4 yr old wanted to talk to him before she went to bed and it would have taken literally 20 seconds - which he did have and had promised he would do.

He admitted he doesn't like being 'rude' and stepping away but that is founded on absolutely nothing as the others do it. I have said that in the future I will be more forward and say I am pissed off/struggling I need to talk to you and he will then find the time rather than any back and forth.

OP posts:
Original poster
thespian14 · 28/07/2024 13:46

zerored · 28/07/2024 13:34

I could forgive this, if you believe he's telling the truth. It seems silly to give up on a good marriage with kids over a drunken kiss that he didn't want, and he seems to be doing the right things to try make it up to you and show he's remorseful. What a shock for you though. Maybe see how you feel in a couple of months as you'll still be processing it all.

Yes thank you! The shock was a lot, and sometimes it's hard to separate the shock from anything logical.

OP posts:
socks1107 · 28/07/2024 13:47

My biggest question going forward is how will you feel when they have to work together or he has another work trip.
What about when you have another fall out? Things may be clear now but these could trigger some anxiety and distrust.

Comedycook · 28/07/2024 13:48

ByCupidStunt · 28/07/2024 13:27

Years ago, it used to be normal for couples to be faithful to each other. Nowadays, it seems to be normal for couples to be unfaithful. Yet another reason I'm single.

Anyway, YANBU to let it go - fill your boots yourself while you're at it!

Actually, affairs have always happened. It was just hidden better and women turned a blind eye.

But anyway op.... presuming everything he has told you is true, then I wouldn't end my relationship over a kiss.

Smartiepants79 · 28/07/2024 13:51

If you truly believe him then I don’t feel that this is worth the ripping apart of a family for.
I could forgive I think.
Get him to make certain commitments to you and himself to help ensure he doesn’t end up in this foolish situation again. He made some bad choices and needs to own that.

Maddy70 · 28/07/2024 13:53

It woukdnt be a de breaker for me if its as he said

As long as it never happened again ...

GingerPirate · 28/07/2024 13:54

ByCupidStunt · 28/07/2024 13:27

Years ago, it used to be normal for couples to be faithful to each other. Nowadays, it seems to be normal for couples to be unfaithful. Yet another reason I'm single.

Anyway, YANBU to let it go - fill your boots yourself while you're at it!

Very good.
People (men) nowadays make me 🤢

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 28/07/2024 13:55

I think he was silly to put himself in her room in that situation, but you said yourself he's rubbish at social cues and had been drinking which he doesn't normally do, so was probably not seeing them.

If you believe it was definitely that she kissed him, he stopped it and left, I don't think that's cheating. It's not his fault someone else kissed him. I was once walking from the office to the car park with a colleague I got on well with, and as I turned to say bye he planted his mouth on mine, out of nowhere. I certainly hadn't given any signals I wanted that, and definitely didn't want that. I stopped it, said bye and then was more careful around that colleague moving forward.

It's about whether you trust he's telling the truth.

Taffydog · 28/07/2024 13:55

I don’t think you’re wrong - I also don’t think you’re minimising things. You’ve taken a step back and looked at the situation objectively and based on your knowledge of your relationship have been able to understand and forgive. No one here knows you or him it’s only you who can decide what happens next. Perhaps a conversation over how he interacts with work colleague in the future as it’s not going to be as easy as telling him he can’t work with her again. I personally would want her to know you’re fully aware of everything and for your husband to make it absolutely clear he has no interest in being friends let alone a relationship/fling.

Liv999 · 28/07/2024 13:59

I would forgive this, my DB at the time had a drunken kiss years ago when I was on holiday, I decided to forgive him and he's now my DH for the last 11 years, I trust him completely and he's the best dad, I wouldn't be comfortable with your DH working closely with this woman in future though

Jl2014 · 28/07/2024 14:00

Prob not enough to end a marriage for but come on, OP- she “coaxed him up”?? He needs to be responsible for his own actions. Don’t blame the woman. It’s such a cliche.

Smartiepants79 · 28/07/2024 14:00

ByCupidStunt · 28/07/2024 13:27

Years ago, it used to be normal for couples to be faithful to each other. Nowadays, it seems to be normal for couples to be unfaithful. Yet another reason I'm single.

Anyway, YANBU to let it go - fill your boots yourself while you're at it!

People have always been unfaithful.
It’s actually more frowned upon nowadays than it ever was I think.
People just didn’t leave their spouses because of it as often. Women who were often totally financially dependent on their husbands and who would probably lose their children just forgave it or ignored it.

Lordofmyflies · 28/07/2024 14:03

I would stay in the marriage. If you are otherwise 'happy' in the relationship, with 2 young children and financially secure, I would read him the riot act and make it very clear that if it happened again, the marriage would be over.
But, would I be willing to break up my family and marriage over a kiss - no.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 28/07/2024 14:03

Jl2014 · 28/07/2024 14:00

Prob not enough to end a marriage for but come on, OP- she “coaxed him up”?? He needs to be responsible for his own actions. Don’t blame the woman. It’s such a cliche.

But maybe she did?

I work with a woman who basically makes it her mission to bed any man she sets her sights on, regardless of his relationship status (and hers). I've seen her fake cry at work do's to get one to walk her back to her room.

In the same way that not all men are awful, not all women are saints.