Husband 'cheated' but I think it's ok? Opinions please

[thespian14]

First off, DH is an excellent partner and father. Gives 100% at all times, no complaints there. We have 2 under 5's.

A couple of weeks ago he was on a 2 week work trip. Very intense project in a small team of 5 people, 14hr days with all breaks and meals taken together etc. One of the team was a woman he used to be former colleagues with, have always been friendly. I had no jealousy or worries before he went.

Midway through the trip me and him had a row. The frustration on my side was that he wasn't calling us in the evening before he had dinner with the team. He took it as I didn't want him to go out, I said nothing of the sort I was just frustrated that he was going straight out and not checking in with us before he did. He has been on trips before and been bad at this and I had thought we had discussed it. From my side it wasn't a big deal - I might have been a bit OTT with him but I had been home alone with 2 toddlers losing my mind a bit.

He basically went out, got drunk - the woman he was friends with invited him up to her hotel room to keep drinking he said yes and they went up chatted a bit she dialled up the flirting and kissed him. He said he stopped it immediately and left.

Now I do believe him. He is autistic and pretty much incapable of lying when asked direct questions. I am cross that he put himself in that position (ie going up to her room) but I do understand that he is absolutely rubbish at reading social situations. He also is extremely caring and she basically coaxed him up because she was crying about her dad dying recently and she didn't want to be alone. He would have wanted to check she was ok. He also doesn't usually drink. He was absolute idiot to firstly be in a strop with me after our row, secondly to go up to her room and thirdly not read the cues.

I did the initial ''aaaaaah he cheated on me' but since I have calmed down and listened to him and I think that it is ok? He also since he has been back has found a therapist (completely his own idea) in the hope he can learn some more coping mechanisms to stop anything of the sort happening again.

This isn't divorce worthy is it? I still love him, I believe he still loves me and wants to do everything to fix it. He was desperately sorry and distraught - he didn't eat for days.

Gaslighting?! I'd be Gaslighting if I said it was the all the op's fault and she made him stray by harassing him with constant texting. However, I didn't say that. I merely pointed out don't be too quick to let him off the hook. If it walks like a duck etc.

Women don't 'coax'. Both men and women (whilst in relationships) do stray. We can let them off and give them a second chance but just do so wisely. Don't be too quick to lap up their tales of coaxing etc.

@DesperateDawn

He has cheated

This is gaslighting. You're challenging OP's perception/belief, because you know better. How do you know better? Were you there, or are you just cleverer than OP?

Read the title of the op!

Then she goes on to to say

did the initial ''aaaaaah he cheated on me' but since I have calmed down and listened to him and I think that it is ok?'

I'm only agreeing with her yes, he cheated but no nothing to get divorced over just don't be too quick to believe the coaxing/ she made me go to her room stuff. Then be alert for repeat situations.

I wouldn’t forgive so quick. Going. Up to a hotel room after and whilst drinking with a colleague he’s been friendly with before or not, is not ok. It’s disrespectful and grim. Plus, his colleagues will now have the tongues in twist gossiping about your dh and this woman disappearing into her hotel room. Nah, fuck that. He wasn’t thinking about you and his dc at that moment was he.

His need to be the white knight and saviour is the least of your problems. If he’s autistic traits are to blame, how the hell did you two navigate a mutual relationship

Yes, @DesperateDawn

You've quoted my point, which is an argument against yours. She said he 'cheated' but has since calmed down and sees it differently.

He has cheated. He'll never reveal the full extent

You also seem to know more than he himself is willing to admit. So, were you there, or do you just see yourself as 'knowing best'? It's clear you think your view is superior to OP's, in either case.

So he said the reason for his bender was a misinterpreted dispute with you then he was led astray by a tearful colleague. Poor bloke!

Seriously do you really believe him? Seems like he'll blame any woman he can

At least ask her to tell you her side of the story

I'd be speaking to the woman myself to ask what the fuck she's playing at and would be expecting my husband to bend over backwards making this up to me.

All these posts always begin with " My DH is a fabulous husband". I never believe that, frankly. And I don't in this case either.

Don't understand why so many posters here feel that the OP was unreasonable to expect contact and communication from her husband whilst he was away. If he has time for restaurant cooked dinners and to get drunk with colleagues then he's got time to communicate with his children and their mother.

Quite. It seems that going out for dinner and getting so pissed you end up in someone else's bedroom, kissing, is something we're supposed to see as an acceptable alternative to calling your wife for 10 minutes to make sure she and your kids are ok.

I'd be questioning why he didn't want to call her, rather than why he didn't honour her request for him to call. If he's got time for binge drinking, he's got time for a phone call, so why doesn't he want to talk to her?

'You also seem to know more than he himself is willing to admit. So, were you there, or do you just see yourself as 'knowing best'? It's clear you think your view is superior to OP's, in either case.'

No I wasn't there. However the op has posted asking for opinions so I'm giving mine. It is a tale as old as time, man cheats then comes up with some cock and bull story that a coaxed woman coaxed him but nothing happened. If the op believes it fine, I wouldn't. However I also wouldn't end a marriage at this point but I certainly would not trust him on any work trips going forward or anywhere else for that matter.

An opinion is what you think happened. All of your responses state that he has cheated, like it's a fact.

Not helpful, and actually quite mean.

@DesperateDawn "Read the title of the op!"

The title is "Husband 'cheated' but I think it's ok? Opinions please".

"Cheated" is in scare quotes. It seems very clear that the OP is questioning the use of the idea of him cheating. This seems to be the opposite of what you are saying.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scare_quotes

@EdithBond "In your scenario, I could go back to a man’s room when we’re both drunk and being flirtatious. That could put me at risk of infidelity (due to the private setting, mutual attraction, bed and lowered inhibitions)"

Look, if you consider kissing to be infidelity but flirting not, that's a matter for you and your partner, I guess.

From your description of "being flirtatious" and "mutual attraction" it actually does sound like there would be a risk of infidelity.

But in the situation described by the OP, she is not saying that he DH was attracted to the woman, and she is not saying that her DH was flirting with the woman.

The OP seems to be saying her DH had no interest in this woman. If we can believe the OP, there was no realistic risk of infidelity.