Husband 'cheated' but I think it's ok? Opinions please

[thespian14]

First off, DH is an excellent partner and father. Gives 100% at all times, no complaints there. We have 2 under 5's.

A couple of weeks ago he was on a 2 week work trip. Very intense project in a small team of 5 people, 14hr days with all breaks and meals taken together etc. One of the team was a woman he used to be former colleagues with, have always been friendly. I had no jealousy or worries before he went.

Midway through the trip me and him had a row. The frustration on my side was that he wasn't calling us in the evening before he had dinner with the team. He took it as I didn't want him to go out, I said nothing of the sort I was just frustrated that he was going straight out and not checking in with us before he did. He has been on trips before and been bad at this and I had thought we had discussed it. From my side it wasn't a big deal - I might have been a bit OTT with him but I had been home alone with 2 toddlers losing my mind a bit.

He basically went out, got drunk - the woman he was friends with invited him up to her hotel room to keep drinking he said yes and they went up chatted a bit she dialled up the flirting and kissed him. He said he stopped it immediately and left.

Now I do believe him. He is autistic and pretty much incapable of lying when asked direct questions. I am cross that he put himself in that position (ie going up to her room) but I do understand that he is absolutely rubbish at reading social situations. He also is extremely caring and she basically coaxed him up because she was crying about her dad dying recently and she didn't want to be alone. He would have wanted to check she was ok. He also doesn't usually drink. He was absolute idiot to firstly be in a strop with me after our row, secondly to go up to her room and thirdly not read the cues.

I did the initial ''aaaaaah he cheated on me' but since I have calmed down and listened to him and I think that it is ok? He also since he has been back has found a therapist (completely his own idea) in the hope he can learn some more coping mechanisms to stop anything of the sort happening again.

This isn't divorce worthy is it? I still love him, I believe he still loves me and wants to do everything to fix it. He was desperately sorry and distraught - he didn't eat for days.

It doesn't seem to me to be a good marriage if that's his reaction to an argument.

All he had to say was that the calls were too much on top of 14hr days!

It doesn't take two to instigate a kiss. I was at a work do chatting to a colleague in the hotel corridor who had too much to drink. The next thing I knew he planted an open mouth kiss on my lips. I was mortified. I immediately told DH & he came to collect me. This woman according to OP did the same thing. If its true then she is to blame. Number one for using being upset due to a death as an excuse to have him accompany her to the room. Number two then going on to plant a kiss. It happens & no doubt destroys many a marriage.

Nope, better hidden and ignored.

No camera phones for proof, fewer people had mobiles with incriminating conversations on it, social media to find your hook up and their family so can let the spouse know.

The fact he told you about it and (hopefully) it was only a drunken kiss, which he apparently put a stop to immediately, would help me to forgive him and not break up the, otherwise, happy family unit over this. However, a one off could be forgiven as a mistake and he would have to thoroughly convince me that it would never happen again, because if it did, it would be the end of the marriage for me. Also, I don't know how I'd cope when he had to go away on another work trip, especially if that woman was there too. He's going to have his work cut out to convince you it won't happen again.

Well I accept what you say that somebody can force a kiss on somebody else such as the situation you describe as happened to you.
I will say though that your situation was different in that you hadn't gone into the other person's hotel bedroom , which OPs DH did.
And you don't say that you were drunk - you said it was your colleague who was drunk. And his inhibitions were therefore lowered because of drink. Well OPs DH was also drunk and therefore his inhibitions will have been lowered.
Also when some one is drunk it is very usual not to have a clear recollection of what happened.
Actually I am also sceptical of the being upset over a death aspect of the story. Having read so many threads on MN about OP's partners and DHs behaving like Knights in Shining armour because they are always bumping into women in distress I am cynical enough to know saying the woman involved was upset/ needed their help is a regular excuse for crossing boundaries.
So you have every right to believe the story fed to OP by her DH. I have every right to be sceptical. Ultimately it's not our opinion that matters. It's what OP believes and if she has decided to trust him that is entirely up to her. And I wish her well.

Agree 👍

He knew exactly what was going to happen

But if someone planted a kiss on you without your consent, you wouldn’t get a therapist would you?

Some people might feel violated and need therapy to help them with it.

I think a lot of women want to think their husband is so irresistible that women just can't wait to 'coax' them into bed.

I suspect that is very rarely the case.

But that’s not why he is saying he’s getting a therapist. His reasoning is so that it doesn’t happen again.. So my point if it was really all her he wouldn’t need this. His story is BS basically.

Is the therapist meant to help him with reading people's intentions?
Because that's the only non-bs reason I can think of him, in this situation, wanting the services of one.

I don't agree. I was shocked but coped & now see it as a drunken try it on. There are many people including married men who would be traumatised by someone going in for an unsuspected snog.

@thespian14 So, your DP was sexually assaulted, and now you're wondering if you should forgive him?

I guess he shouldn't tell you next time, maybe?

Taking your initial post on face value, can you imagine if this was the other way round?

"
Hi MN, I need help, I think I really fucked up badly.

I was away on a trip with work a couple of weeks ago, and things were pretty intense, 14hr days with all breaks and meals taken together etc.

DH likes me to phone him every day before he has dinner (he has told me this before and I have agreed to it), but it's kind of been intense going straight from work to dinner and haven't been managing to do it.

Anyway, we did talk on the phone this day and it ended in a big row about it. The team went out after and I had a bit too much to drink, IDK I guess I was upset and drowning my sorrows a bit? I don't know what I was thinking.

Anyway, I was chatting to a friend a fair bit and he's been having a hard time cos apparently his dad is dying. He seemed really down and (god I feel so stupid writing this now) but he asked if I wanted to carry on talking for a bit in his room. FYI I'm autistic and struggle reading people sometimes, I honestly thought this guy was just a friend having a hard time (we've known each other for ages and there's never been any flirting or anything before). I guess maybe he started flirting a bit then, and then lunged at me and kissed me!

I was shocked and embarrassed and got out of there sharpish.

I told DH about this and he's upset, telling me I've cheated on him etc.

I don't know what to do, I feel so angry with myself, I'm so stupid. I couldn't eat for days later just thinking why did I go to his room???!!?! What a stupid thing to do.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Did your DH forgive you?

Maybe I shouldn't have told DH about it?

How can I rebuild trust? What should I do? I'm in bits.

I've found a therapist, and I'm hoping I can try and fix whatever's broken in me, but I just want my DH to forgive me. I'm so stupid I wish I had never done this stupid stupid stupid thing.
"

Good point. If it was unrequested/unwanted kiss, it’s certainly sexual assault.

But from the OP’s perspective, believing her DH on the context is the thing. If the genders were reversed, a partner would still have reason to be concerned if their other half had decided to go to someone’s room at night while both were drunk when they could have remained in public areas of the hotel. Also, if there had been any flirtatious behaviour from either party.

This isn’t to victim-blame a sexual assault. But a matter of whether they put themselves in situations that could lead to infidelity. I wouldn’t mind if my other half went to someone’s hotel room when drunk for platonic reasons. But I imagine lots of people would find that difficult or struggle to believe nothing sexual happened.

@EdithBond "This isn’t to victim-blame a sexual assault. But a matter of whether they put themselves in situations that could lead to infidelity."

Except that he didn't put himself in a position that could lead to infidelity. We only have the OP to go on here, but she says that she believes that he had no interest in this woman. His trousers weren't going to fall off on their own, he wasn't going to have sex with her while he wasn't paying attention. As many PP has pointed out, just because he is ND doesn't mean he has no agency. He is fully responsible for if he cheats or not, and apparently he doesn't want to.

She is upset because "He was absolute idiot to firstly be in a strop with me after our row, secondly to go up to her room and thirdly not read the cues". According to her, it's exactly that his poor judgement put him at risk of sexual assault that is the problem, not that she suspects he was tempted by her.

If a woman put her self in a risky situation and got assaulted - let's say she got drunk, and walked home alone, or accepted a lift home from a colleague - we might all have some words of advice for her, but would you say she was putting herself at risk of infidelity?

'So, your DP was sexually assaulted, and now you're wondering if you should forgive him? I guess he shouldn't tell you next time, maybe?'

Sexually assaulted 🙄

He went back to a woman's room, what was the plan examining the soft furnishings? Of course more went on, men don't tend to stop when sex is offered on a plate.

He has cheated. He'll never reveal the full extent but the op has to decide if she is happy to believe it was a one off. I bet it isn't so I'd keep a very close eye.

@DesperateDawn "what was the plan examining the soft furnishings?"

The OP answered that in the initial post: "He also is extremely caring and she basically coaxed him up because she was crying about her dad dying recently and she didn't want to be alone. He would have wanted to check she was ok"

@DesperateDawn "the op has to decide if she is happy to believe it was a one off"

The OP has already decided that she does believe him: "Now I do believe him. He is autistic and pretty much incapable of lying when asked direct questions".

I'm assuming the OP knows her husband reasonably well.

But it seems you don't believe the OP?

It's a bit of a leap to imagine that the OP's DH is an arch manipulator, who has been pretending really well to be terrible lying all these years, but now that he's cheated (after an argument) he's decided to actively go and tell his DW a false, "innocent" version of events (that still makes the DH look bad) so that he can... control the narrative?

@DesperateDawn you think you're better placed to make that call than the OP?

But the OP doesn't seem to be asking for advice about if she should believe her DH, she seems fairly clear on that.

She's asking about how she should react about her ND DH being coaxed up to a hotel room by a woman who then kissed him without his consent, and the aftermath. The OP doesn't say they kissed each other, she says that this woman "kissed him".

@thespian14 maybe you should phone up this woman, and tell her to leave your DH alone.

You are making leaps here, based on your own mistrust of men. I'm sorry you have clearly only met awful ones, but OP believes her husband here, and many posters have also said they would believe this of their own too.

Whatever the reason for your dislike of men, your comments are not helpful towards OP and her actual question.

'She's asking about how she should react about her ND DH being coaxed up to a hotel room by a woman who then kissed him without his consent, and the aftermath. '

'Coaxed' .

How she should react is to say 'do I look like I was born yesterday?'

How she is choosing to react is to applaud his poor me story. That is fine, her choice. Until the next time and there will be a next time with a man like her dp.

@DesperateDawn ok you're basically gaslighting the OP now.

He also is extremely caring and she basically coaxed him up because she was crying about her dad dying recently and she didn't want to be alone

He wasn't very caring about you wanting him to check in when you've been alone with his toddlers all day, was he? Something's amiss here, where you're giving him an excuse because he's so sweet and attentive (to someone else), having just fallen out with him for being inattentive (to you). Extremely caring partners listen to and respect their partners' wishes. Extremely caring partners don't go up to other people's bedrooms, drunk.

Why is he sorry enough to not eat for days, if he's done nothing wrong? Why is he seeing a therapist, if he's done nothing wrong?

Nothing adds up.

I understand your point. Whether he put himself in a situation that could lead to infidelity is a matter of opinion.

But that’s not mutually exclusive to sexual assault. Both can happen.

In your scenario, I could go back to a man’s room when we’re both drunk and being flirtatious. That could put me at risk of infidelity (due to the private setting, mutual attraction, bed and lowered inhibitions). Even if nothing happened, my partner may still not be happy about it or may struggle to believe me. But if the man kissed me without permission/warning and I didn’t want him to, I’d have been sexually assaulted. And me being in his room drunk, and having flirted with him, wouldn’t justify the sexual assault because he wouldn’t have sought my consent.

Notice how she doesn't respond to anyone who points out that her experience isn't the same as theirs? Or makes a valid argument.

she basically coaxed him
The misogyny of this is nauseating. Was she wearing a short skirt too?
I doubt the woman's story would be anything like this.