Husband 'cheated' but I think it's ok? Opinions please

[thespian14]

First off, DH is an excellent partner and father. Gives 100% at all times, no complaints there. We have 2 under 5's.

A couple of weeks ago he was on a 2 week work trip. Very intense project in a small team of 5 people, 14hr days with all breaks and meals taken together etc. One of the team was a woman he used to be former colleagues with, have always been friendly. I had no jealousy or worries before he went.

Midway through the trip me and him had a row. The frustration on my side was that he wasn't calling us in the evening before he had dinner with the team. He took it as I didn't want him to go out, I said nothing of the sort I was just frustrated that he was going straight out and not checking in with us before he did. He has been on trips before and been bad at this and I had thought we had discussed it. From my side it wasn't a big deal - I might have been a bit OTT with him but I had been home alone with 2 toddlers losing my mind a bit.

He basically went out, got drunk - the woman he was friends with invited him up to her hotel room to keep drinking he said yes and they went up chatted a bit she dialled up the flirting and kissed him. He said he stopped it immediately and left.

Now I do believe him. He is autistic and pretty much incapable of lying when asked direct questions. I am cross that he put himself in that position (ie going up to her room) but I do understand that he is absolutely rubbish at reading social situations. He also is extremely caring and she basically coaxed him up because she was crying about her dad dying recently and she didn't want to be alone. He would have wanted to check she was ok. He also doesn't usually drink. He was absolute idiot to firstly be in a strop with me after our row, secondly to go up to her room and thirdly not read the cues.

I did the initial ''aaaaaah he cheated on me' but since I have calmed down and listened to him and I think that it is ok? He also since he has been back has found a therapist (completely his own idea) in the hope he can learn some more coping mechanisms to stop anything of the sort happening again.

This isn't divorce worthy is it? I still love him, I believe he still loves me and wants to do everything to fix it. He was desperately sorry and distraught - he didn't eat for days.

I wouldn't say it was OK. Forgivable, maybe, but not OK. And having a row with your spouse is not an excuse for cheating.

Forgive him if you want to but his behaviour still points to someone who goes to the very edge of acceptable behaviour. If you can live with him doing this kind of thing again then by all means brush it under the carpet.

I doubt they kissed and he left. Autistic or not, for a man to be kissing a woman in her hotel room inevitably will lead to sex no matter how much he is now desperately denying it.

The thing is, once people cross the line they normalise their behaviour and there will always be some desperate woman (or man) happy to oblige.

So yes, as a one off shrug it off just be on high alert though as I would bet a tenner a similar situation occurs.

She kissed him and he pulled away, he did the right thing, I'm highly strung but even I couldn't get mad at that, I being in her room is another thing but he is obviously trustworthy and honest. But he needs to learn social cues.

How many 'years ago'?

Affairs are as old as time

Just easier today because of technology and the ease with which you can hide communications

I can very much believe that if another woman kissed my husband unexpectedly, it wouldn't go any further. So if he'd told me this, I would believe him.

It's about what OP knows to be true and whether she believes her husband is telling the truth.

This, although you'd be well within your rights to make sure he doesn't mix with this wayward temptress again.

Well you have a disagreement on the phone and his reaction is to get drunk, go up to a woman's hotel room and , at the very least, kiss her. It doesn't take much for him to find an excuse to behave badly does it? And he seems quite adept at putting the blame on the other woman. It comes over as he knows how to play you and get round you.

If you are happy to accept his version of what happened and feel you can trust him going forward that's up to you.

Personally I would be very sceptical and going forward would find difficulty trusting him.

I think the fact he fessed up right away and you didn’t need to do any sleuthing means he is telling the truth. I think I’d let that one go, after telling him he’d been a twat and that he needed to make sure he checked in with me in future and to avoid getting drunk on business trips.

"In the same way that not all men are awful, not all women are saints."

Exactly that, we're all individuals at the end of the day- no matter our respective genders.

This is a reverse isn’t it? You are the cheating husband aren’t you OP?

'I can very much believe that if another woman kissed my husband unexpectedly, it wouldn't go any further. So if he'd told me this, I would believe him.'

Unexpectedly kissed in her hotel room? What was he thinking he was going to her room for, a game of scrabble? Please don't be so naive. Cheats will lie all the time to get themselves off the hook.

Has he honestly got to the age he is without knowing that an invite into a woman's room late at night, when both have been drinking, may at least have the potential for romance or sex? I find that rather implausible, autism or not, as he manages to work, travel and interact with colleagues well enough in social situations the rest of the time.

If he needs urgent therapy or intervention to spell out these social niceties, obviously do that, but I think his autism here is being used as a bit of a cover by him (and by you) to explain how he could end up in this situation.

He feels bad, he doesn't want it to repeat, you only have his word for what really happened (which may or may not be he resisted a kiss).

I don't have the answers, OP, and I have friends who have overlooked 'just a kiss' and far worse over the years, but I would be deeply disappointed and it would affect how I felt in the future, even if I was not going to end the marriage over it.

Mine wouldn't be there. But OP can believe that he ended up there innocently. And it could be anywhere. It's still about the trust between wife and husband.

Yes but he didn't "kiss her", she kissed him then he stopped it immediately and left.

Imagine, if the shoe was on the other foot and OP's partner was a woman, I doubt you'd be as tough on her to be quite honest.

Yes but once someone goes back to someone's room all bets are off. There isn't any trust because they've shown they are untrustworthy.

As I say as a one off fine ignore but it may well be who he is. A cheat. I'd be on high alert going forward

How did you find out? I would want couples counselling before I decided whether I could put this behind me.

Yep all her doing. He’s totally innocent of any single thing. It’s the evil temptress’s fault so it’s not even cheating at all. If anything he’s even more exonerated than before because he’s sought out counselling which proves just how much he hasn’t cheated or done anything wrong and how much he loves you.

Is that how it goes? Blame the woman entirely and it all magically goes away… 🙄

Whatever you need to tell yourself op. But if can hold down a responsible job, he knows exactly what choices he has as far as his lips are concerned. She didn’t pucker them up for him. He’s a cheater.

If you do choose to stay, I’d make it extremely clear to him that you don’t want him to put himself in these situations ever again, ie alone in a hotel room / bar with another woman, and to check in and call you when on work trips to reassure you, it’s the least he can do after breaking trust.

I think your take on it is reasonable op.

I don’t see this as good but I don’t see it as cheating. It’s a drunken kiss, not initiated by him and ended by him. ASD may also make him more naive than others might be and also he may have misread the flirting signals. You’ll know best if he tends to misread things etc. I would not end an otherwise solid relationship over this but I would talk to him about how to avoid getting into this situation in future. Just because you are not going OTT doesn’t mean you are minimising, you’re taking a proportionate approach. It is of course hurtful though, so I’m sorry for you that you’ve had to experience this.

Yes, likewise

Hmmm.

Taking your post at face value, I'd say he fucked up and is very sorry.

You know what, sometimes people fuck up and it is possible to forgive them.

The conditions to do so are stringent, but from what you are saying, this situation meets them.

Sorry I'm not sure what you mean - are you being sarcastic here?

They kissed. It takes 2 to kiss. In the version he told OP the woman was the instigator. In his version of the story he told OP he was the innocent who naively saw nothing untoward in a married man going up to a woman' s hotel room. How does any one know what went on?

And yes if the situation was a married woman going up to a man's hotel room and kissing that man I would be equally sceptical of her version. I would also suspect she was cheating on her DH

It reads as though you are minimising what he's done.

Even if he's telling you the truth (and you can't know that for sure), he went up to another woman's hotel room and they ended up kissing.

And that's on top of the fact that when he's away for a few days he doesn't want to check in with you and his 4 year old- because it might seem rude to his colleagues. Does he value his colleagues' feelings above his child's? Why does he think it's rude to talk to your family? Why isn't he dying to talk to his young child just once a day?

I can't imagine being away from home for several days and not wanting to talk to my small child - espeically knowing that small child wanted to talk to me.

And on top of all that, you'd told him it bothers you when he ignores you when he's away, but he ignored that too.

So even without the kissing another woman, he's not being a great husband and father. With the kissing - I'd say he has a lot of work to do to make sure nothing like this happens again, and to show that you and your child are more important to him than his work colleagues.

And until you can trust him 100% again (if you ever can), I would expect him to go on no more work overnights that involve the woman he cheated with.