Husband 'cheated' but I think it's ok? Opinions please

[thespian14]

First off, DH is an excellent partner and father. Gives 100% at all times, no complaints there. We have 2 under 5's.

A couple of weeks ago he was on a 2 week work trip. Very intense project in a small team of 5 people, 14hr days with all breaks and meals taken together etc. One of the team was a woman he used to be former colleagues with, have always been friendly. I had no jealousy or worries before he went.

Midway through the trip me and him had a row. The frustration on my side was that he wasn't calling us in the evening before he had dinner with the team. He took it as I didn't want him to go out, I said nothing of the sort I was just frustrated that he was going straight out and not checking in with us before he did. He has been on trips before and been bad at this and I had thought we had discussed it. From my side it wasn't a big deal - I might have been a bit OTT with him but I had been home alone with 2 toddlers losing my mind a bit.

He basically went out, got drunk - the woman he was friends with invited him up to her hotel room to keep drinking he said yes and they went up chatted a bit she dialled up the flirting and kissed him. He said he stopped it immediately and left.

Now I do believe him. He is autistic and pretty much incapable of lying when asked direct questions. I am cross that he put himself in that position (ie going up to her room) but I do understand that he is absolutely rubbish at reading social situations. He also is extremely caring and she basically coaxed him up because she was crying about her dad dying recently and she didn't want to be alone. He would have wanted to check she was ok. He also doesn't usually drink. He was absolute idiot to firstly be in a strop with me after our row, secondly to go up to her room and thirdly not read the cues.

I did the initial ''aaaaaah he cheated on me' but since I have calmed down and listened to him and I think that it is ok? He also since he has been back has found a therapist (completely his own idea) in the hope he can learn some more coping mechanisms to stop anything of the sort happening again.

This isn't divorce worthy is it? I still love him, I believe he still loves me and wants to do everything to fix it. He was desperately sorry and distraught - he didn't eat for days.

I have utter disgust for cheaters, but I don't think I'd end an otherwise good relationship over this. You believe he didn't intentionally set out to cheat, he stopped it once he understood the situation, before it moved beyond a kiss, and he's sought help to make sure it doesn't happen again.

My main problem after this would be the colleague. Maybe it's not the best move, but I'd feel like letting her know he's told you what happened, that it was a mistake, and that he regrets it bitterly (and without saying as much, that you see her and will be watching like a hawk). If his job means he'll be continuing to spend time with her at work, that would make me uncomfortable, to be honest.

I agree - OP you’re making him sound like a vulnerable little boy, not a married man. So typical to blame the woman. He’s the married one.

He isn't normalising it, though: He also since he has been back has found a therapist (completely his own idea) in the hope he can learn some more coping mechanisms to stop anything of the sort happening again.

As it happens, I'd say that's a bit over the top but it does show commitment to better behaviour!

I have to say I don't see kisses as cheating. It's potentially risky behaviour - very much more risky in a bedroom with no others present - but not cheating in itself. I'd be wanting to know how long, how many 'kisses', how much tongue, what are all four hands and legs doing? 😳

In a situation like OP's, I'd be reading a long riot act and demanding detailed analysis - and secretly pleased that he'd told me. I'd be more pissed off about having to perform outrage than about the kiss. But I'd perform it, because a kiss can be a step towards actions I do see as cheating, and I'd like to discourage that.

I think it would be ott to divorce over this.

But I would want to speak to the other woman to get her version of events before going forward.

A single instance of an unwanted dunken kiss isn’t cheating in my book.
I’d be a bit pissed off but nothing more.

Nobody would end a marriage over only a drunkern kiss. The problem is, did it really stop there. I would sadly guess not.

Faithful trustworthy people do not go back to other people's rooms and cover it up with 'it was only a kiss'. Yeah right.

Shee even got the autistic bingo card out. Poor mite.

'He also since he has been back has found a therapist (completely his own idea)'

They always find therapists, as if it's some kind of kind out of jail card.

My main problem after this would be the colleague. Maybe it's not the best move, but I'd feel like letting her know he's told you what happened, that it was a mistake, and that he regrets it bitterly (and without saying as much, that you see her and will be watching like a hawk). If his job means he'll be continuing to spend time with her at work, that would make me uncomfortable, to be honest

How typical to blame the other woman. HE is the person responsible. It is her husband she should be 'seeing and watching like a hawk'. If another woman ever approached me to say they 'saw me' and 'would be watching like a hawk' I'd truly think they were pathetic and would pity their lives.

How did you find out about it?

Yes but that colleague doesn’t owe the OP loyalty and faithfulness. The cheating husband does.
I’ll leave the woman out of this if I’m honest, and tackle the spouse who went up to someone’s hotel room to be alone with her in the first place. If he didn’t go, there wouldn’t have been a kiss or potentially more!

OP is fighting hard to keep not see the truth and keep her head buried in the sand. I understand but….. this might just be the first of many heartbreaks

HAHAHAHAHA, France is incredibly well known for its tolerance of mistresses yet your post is going on like "sacre bleu, this sort of behaviour doesn't happen in ze Waitrose!".

You truly could not have picked a more ironic country to state than France, they may not cheat like they eat toast there but they certainly do cheat like they eat croissants 😂

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/rampage/wp/2014/04/16/mistresses-really-are-ok-in-france/
https://www.irishexaminer.com/world/arid-20255677.html
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1195624/French-women-dont-just-tolerate-husbands-affairsexpect-them.html
https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2014/01/14/french-more-accepting-of-infidelity-than-people-in-other-countries/

If you can trust that he’s told the truth (kissed and left), the fact he’s been up-front with you (when you’d never have found out) counts for a lot.

But (and I hate to be the one to put this thought into your mind), could it be a half-truth? Could it have gone a lot further, he feels guilty or worried you’ll find out he went to her room, so has confessed part of it (just a kiss) to head it off.

I’d take him at face value, but be alert to further signs of philandering, either with the OW or others.

Agree with PPs the ‘coaxed into her room’ shows he’s not taking responsibility. It was his decision to go to the room of another woman at night when drunk, when hotels bars are often open late and lobbies all night. Autism or not, he must own that decision: he’s not a dog following a row of biscuits.

It’s funny how this happened after he and OP argued though.

He’s also gone out of his way to find a therapist, when all he needs to do is not go to drunk women’s hotel rooms.

He was so distraught that he didn’t eat for days 🤔

It’s all very dramatic.

He’s either the innocent victim of a devilish predator, who preyed on an autistic, vulnerable man by getting him drunk and lying to get him into her hotel room.

Or more likely, they were both drunk and he went up there knowing full well what was about to happen.
They may have started kissing and he stopped because he regretted it or things may have gone further.

Some posters here really do think that bad things only happen in Britain. Not in 'small EU countries' where everyone is steadfastly loyal and devoted to their partners. And certainly not in famously faithful France!

If I'm out a works do and some bloke makes a lunge for me, I pull away and walk out, should my husband file for divorce?

If you genuinely believe that is what happened and you want to put it behind you, then you need to do that.

Maybe he needs to be more aware around booze and definitely booze and the colleague in question, but thats a different conversation.

Whatever you decide OP, I hope all works out how you want it to.

@Thanksforyourlackofthought depends if you were in this blokes hotel room after he'd spun you a yarn about how his wife doesnt understand him and he needed a bit of company.

I believe you 100% CAN move past this & forgive. I don't think it warrants breaking up the marriage, if you love him, he loves you blah blah blah. If you are willing to overcome this, great.

Having said that, keep your eyes open & never believe he won't ever cheat again because he's shown you he's willing to cheat, under certain circumstances.

When I was (much) younger, I met a guy in a bar one Friday evening. We kissed. We went back to my place. We didn't have full sex but we fooled around quite a bit. He left after a few hours and I didn't think much more about it. The following Friday he approached me again in the same bar. He told me he'd felt very guilty as he was married with children and he told his wife about me. I was really taken aback because a) he had removed his wedding ring b) in my twenty something year old mind there wasn't any point in telling her c) he asked me out on a date. Yes the same week he told his wife about what he had done, he came back and asked me out on a date. Twenty something year old me laughed in his face. Forty something year old me would find it hard to believe his nerve.

The worst thing that still makes me cringe to this day is I remember him stroking my stomach saying how flat it was. Little did I know at the time his wife had given birth to HIS children and he was comparing our stomachs. What an absolute twat.

If I'm out a works do and some bloke makes a lunge for me, I pull away and walk out, should my husband file for divorce?

You mean after you had chosen to go up to his hotel room?

Not sure if he should file for divorce, but if I were your husband I would not be happy and would want a very good explanation as to what you were doing in another man's hotel room at night.

But we have no idea what his side of the conversation was.

What does that matter. Judge on actions not words.

Saying that, im not sure its a reason for divorce but he needs to learn his lesson and stay away from women from now on.

He wasn't busy working when he was drinking in a flirty woman's hotel room after dinner. I think you're missing the issue

I wouldn’t be too bothered about this either. It’s not the planning and lying kind of cheating, that’s unforviageable I think, but as a one-off and only a kiss I don’t think this is a disaster, as long as he learns from it.