Husband 'cheated' but I think it's ok? Opinions please

[thespian14]

First off, DH is an excellent partner and father. Gives 100% at all times, no complaints there. We have 2 under 5's.

A couple of weeks ago he was on a 2 week work trip. Very intense project in a small team of 5 people, 14hr days with all breaks and meals taken together etc. One of the team was a woman he used to be former colleagues with, have always been friendly. I had no jealousy or worries before he went.

Midway through the trip me and him had a row. The frustration on my side was that he wasn't calling us in the evening before he had dinner with the team. He took it as I didn't want him to go out, I said nothing of the sort I was just frustrated that he was going straight out and not checking in with us before he did. He has been on trips before and been bad at this and I had thought we had discussed it. From my side it wasn't a big deal - I might have been a bit OTT with him but I had been home alone with 2 toddlers losing my mind a bit.

He basically went out, got drunk - the woman he was friends with invited him up to her hotel room to keep drinking he said yes and they went up chatted a bit she dialled up the flirting and kissed him. He said he stopped it immediately and left.

Now I do believe him. He is autistic and pretty much incapable of lying when asked direct questions. I am cross that he put himself in that position (ie going up to her room) but I do understand that he is absolutely rubbish at reading social situations. He also is extremely caring and she basically coaxed him up because she was crying about her dad dying recently and she didn't want to be alone. He would have wanted to check she was ok. He also doesn't usually drink. He was absolute idiot to firstly be in a strop with me after our row, secondly to go up to her room and thirdly not read the cues.

I did the initial ''aaaaaah he cheated on me' but since I have calmed down and listened to him and I think that it is ok? He also since he has been back has found a therapist (completely his own idea) in the hope he can learn some more coping mechanisms to stop anything of the sort happening again.

This isn't divorce worthy is it? I still love him, I believe he still loves me and wants to do everything to fix it. He was desperately sorry and distraught - he didn't eat for days.

It's your choice.

Lots of things you say suggest that he can read a social situation (or have the intelligence to predict the outcome) and being autistic doesn’t mean he can’t or that he can’t lie.

That said, if you can move forward with your relationship then that is your decision to make.

I wonder if this is why divorce rates are high ff the hook nowadays. Not to condone or condemn you or your husband but do you really need nameless, faceless women on the internet to tell you what to do on something as serious as your marriage?

How is autism an excuse for this?
He's working with this woman, socialising with her after work hours...why does he think it's also appropriate to go up to her room after all the hours they'd already spent together to continue drinking? Sorry but no I don't think it's appropriate as a married man, seems to have all the time in the world for this woman but can't be arsed to phone his wife? Each to their own !!

I’m autistic too and could lie if I needed to.

Autism isn’t an excuse for cheating.

I’m not sure I’d believe it was only a kiss tbh.

It also sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself that your socially incapable husband was taken advantage of by the emotionally vulnerable woman who preyed on him by inviting him to her hotel room.

Also if they kissed it was both of them, at the very least he didn't move when she was leaning into him...he sounds like he's covering his own arse incase the other woman trys to out him

That was my first thought too.

If things genuinely did happen they way they are outlined here, then it's probably not that big a deal and not worth ending the marriage over. But blaming the woman for 'coaxing' him is cringey. He's a grown, married, man and chose to go up to a woman's hotel room. "Coaxed"? Come on!

I'm autistic and I'm very good at lying.

I wouldn't tolerate the cheating in my marriage but everyone has different boundaries.

Someone kissing him is not cheating.

But I would question why he would even tell you this.

It’s likely that more happened and like most men, will ‘admit’ to wrongdoing but only tell you part of the story.

There is absolutely no shame in forgiving him but it does sound like you are minimising this and trying to find excuses (blaming his autism and her actions) for his behaviour.

Perhaps deep down you know that something doesn’t sit right with you.

Only in the West though, particularly the UK. In my small EU country and in France where I lived, such behaviours are not normal and yet here, people cheat like they eat toast. It is a moral decay

Maybe you could cut back on your expectation of contact when he is away on/for work.

work being the word, he is not away on holiday.

' also my 4 yr old wanted to talk to him before she went to bed and it would have taken literally 20 seconds '

remove the expectation from your children that they will talk to daddy when he is at work,

along the lines of ' oh that's nice, we can tell daddy that if he phones '
and ' if daddy isn't able to phone tonight as he is at work I will write it down for you so we remember to tell him when he does get a chance to phone '
and ' if daddy is too busy at work to phone, then we can tell him when he gets home '

if you are struggling looking after your children for 2 weeks whilst he is away at/for work, can you meet up with family for a day during the time ? can you meet up with friends that have children and have a play date ?

Can you find some money and have a babysitter for an evening and you can get out on your own - to go to the cinema or something. I guess your eldest goes to nursery ? or somewhere and often the staff are happy to babysit.

He didn’t kiss his colleague. She kissed him.

This.

Cheating is by definition clandestine. For all you know, everyone on your street in your 'small EU country' could be cheating on their partners. Your partner could be cheating on you. And citing France as a country where cheating doesn't happen is a first.

Hi OP,

You sound really sensible and kind and a great Mum.

I think the drinking was probably the problem in this situation. I think that if he can figure that out and make a deal with himself to give up drinking then it will be okay. He needs to make the decision though as he is going to have to police it himself.

That's great that he found a therapist on his own initiative. He sounds like a great DH and I certainly would be standing by him.

I'd forgive this if I believed it was all that had happened, but this (or things like it) is one of a number of reasons my partner and I don't drink any more - not that it made us snog colleagues left right and centre - but it did make us react unnecessarily badly in arguments, make rash and hurtful decisions in the moment, etc.

You say your husband rarely drinks, so that in itself is possible - would be happy changing "rarely" to "never", or at least agreeing not to drink when he is on trips away from you?

Because it does sound like alcohol was behind the issues here - if there hadn't been drinking involved, your argument would I imagine not have been as bad, and he wouldn't have gone to her room in the first place. And SHE probably wouldn't have kissed him in the hotel room if they were both stone cold sober.

Honestly, I think if you removed alcohol from the face of the planet, about 75% of adulteries probably wouldn't take place. It lowers inhibitions, makes you behave more impulsively, knocks your moral compass..... At least, I freely admit it did for me, and I don't believe for a second I am the only one......

I don’t think a woman can coax a man up to her bedroom if he doesn’t want to go. I don’t think any man would misread what being invited up to a woman’s bedroom after a drink late at night was for, either.

That said, he came to his senses and left, so I’m not sure it is a massive deal, but only you can decide that.

My issue with this is his chosen behaviour of "we have a row, I deal with it by getting drunk and disrespecting our relationship by getting busy with the first needy female that throws herself at me"

So now, you kind of have to be a good little quiet wife, who can't confront, can't get angry if you feel he's not stepping up how you like/need in family life because if you do..... well you triggered him and this is how he equalises or soothes his ego. His love and fidelity is conditional on you not 'upsetting' him.

Normal people get into a tiff with the person they love, fume a bit, maybe let off steam to a mate, calm down, reflect and ask themselves if you are unreasonable or they are or both of you and then see how to make the situation better. They don't immediately do what he did because the opportunity threw itself at him.

He needs to learn that when he is unhappy with his wife, he doesn't react with FUCK YOU behaviours.

If he's autistic is it possible he has an element of Rejection Sensitive Disorder? This means when he feels at fault or criticised or seen badly he overreacts and goes into an escalating spiral with it and acts out. He CAN get help with that, it's not an excuse for poor behaviour, but it can be an explanation.

I still think that walking someone back to their hotel room can be innocent.

I think someone who doesn't think about social cues in the same way as a NT person, and who is drunk when they normally wouldn't be, would potentially see "let's have another drink in this room" as literally "let's have another drink in this room" with no other motive.

Yes, he put himself in an awkward situation. But the trust only goes out of the window if you think the intent was there to behave poorly.

What kind of person would end their marriage and condemn their children to being brought up in a single parent household over one drunken kiss?

Honestly please try and imagine (hypothetically) looking your children in the face in 20 years and saying “darling I kicked your father out and made you grow up without him because he kissed someone once when he was drunk”.

All anyone is talking about is the OP’s hurt feelings, no one is talking about what this would do to her children. If you’re going to destroy your family I think it needs to be for something a lot more serious than this.

I don’t know if anyone else already asked but how did you find out in the first place @thespian14?

Did he decide to tell you?

I would agree with you. Doesn’t sound from your posts like something to break up over especially given you have kids.

I don't think a woman reaching for a kiss would bother me but I would be bothered that he went into another woman's bedroom to continue drinking. That is the same as walking someone home and going in when invited. I don't believe it didn't cross his mind that it was only the two of them in her bedroom.

I also don't like that you are inferring that the argument between you before the drinking session started seemed the catalyst of entering another woman's bedroom. Arguments are normal in a relationship. Going drinking in another woman's bedroom isn't.

What a load of bollocks. Him finding a therapist is a thing abusive men do to try and appease their spouses.