To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

Its only the past few weeks where I realise I'm not even like a proper grown up that iv started questioning things again

It sounds like you're starting to mature and want to 'be more adult'. That won't happen though until you leave him, he's sucking the life out of you. He should be in jail for what he's done to you. Honestly, it's like reading a horror story.

No one is judging you, at least certainly not myself. That he hasn’t raped you in your sleep recently doesn’t redeem the fact that he has done in the past and what’s going to happen if you ever go back to sharing a bed? Many have told you that this ‘man’ is abusive, yet you keep saying he’s an amazing father. My father was amazing, he never raped my mother in her sleep or sexually assaulted her daily in our presence by pulling her pants down and putting his hands in her underwear. Get some help and remove yourself and your children from this marriage. Ring women’s aid

Tbh I don't really know. I know it sounds stupid but iv been this way ever since we were married, terrified of sounding stupid in front of him. It's just how I feel, he can be a bit patronising sometimes. All he said was 'why, what are you planning?' In a joking way. I'm not sure what he would say. Do you think that's how u should phrase it?

My Internet isn't limited and I'm not sure how he would have control of it? I don't think he does. For contraception he wears condoms on he rare occasion we aren't busy with the kids. He really doesn't want another rchild so I'm not concerned about that

OK. I just wondered why you hadn’t googled all these things before. And thought maybe he checks your internet history.

I am not shocked to hear that condoms are your only contraceptive. In fact I would have put good money on that. I wouldn’t trust him with those condoms as far as I could throw him. I would get some alternative contraceptive sorted out and you don’t need to tell him about it.

Please contact Women’s Aid. Start the conversation with them. You won’t have to do anything. 💐

Probably because i kept pushing it to the back of my mind and I'm not very good and understanding things. I can't handle hormonal contraception.

Can anybody help? Are these documents the deeds to the house? Or just information about the deeds?

Looks like they're the documents that go with the deeds. You can find the deeds online.

https://www.gov.uk/search-property-information-land-registry

I checked on your link thank you. I had to pay £3 to access them. It's as my husband says it's only his name on them. Iv no idea where the paper copy is. Iv also had a look through all the folders and I can't find any statements anywhere, so I assume they're all online.

The deed document you’re looking for will be called something like ‘register of title’ and it has a section called proprietorship register which lists the names and addresses of the owners.

Have you considered the copper coil? It’s long lasting and not hormonal.

Yes thank you I have found it. It is only him on the title. No I wouldn't want it for reasons. But like I said he is dead set against having children and he never tries without a condom.

So you don’t own the house you live in. How does that make you feel?

You seem curiously passive OP. Why aren’t you angry?

Is it curious? She’s been conditioned to allow people to dominate her her entire life.

I'm not being passive on purpose. I don't know what to make of it all. I feel actually quite upset. I feel closer to being ready to leave than when I posted over a year ago. I'm not sure whether to have a Frank chat with my H about finances and ask him why I'm not on the deeds and if he can share things with me, and have a joint account. I won't get angry at be accusatory with him. And also if or when he undressed me or touches me randomly I will tell him how it makes me feel and ask him not to do it again or I will report him. Do you think this would work? I have a feeling he will either laugh at me or be upset, but if I don't try then he won't have the chance to change his behaviour.

It's not curious given your past, @Tulip2478 . It's almost a dead cert.

All he said was 'why, what are you planning?' In a joking way. I'm not sure what he would say. Do you think that's how u should phrase it

There is no 'should'. If there was a should, there'd have to be someone in charge, wouldn't there? Or a set of rules we were meant to obey? There aren't (aside from laws) So, we have to set our own rules, according to how we feel, as individuals. You're not comfortable with not knowing about this stuff, so ask. If he thinks you're planning something, you are, so you can tell him. What is it that you struggle with, here? What do you feel might go wrong, if he said 'What are you planning?' and you said 'Knowing more about my own financial situation'. Is there a hidden meaning in his question? What is it? Do you think he'll interpret your answer wrongly? In what way?

I have a feeling he will either laugh at me or be upset

So, neither of those would be the end of the world. What would you do next, in each of those situations?

OP please listen carefully. Your husband is abusive and he's not going to change.

He's not making mistakes by witholding financial information or pulling down your clothes, he's deliberately trying to humiliate you because he wants to control you.

I can tell you now that he won't give you access to a joint account or other finances because he wants power over you.

Don't talk to him about it. Please get advice from the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or find your local domestic abuse organisation. If you type domestic abuse help and where you live, it will come up. This is the only way forward and out of this situation.

Helpline 0808 2000 247

If this was the case of a fundamentally decent man making financial decisions out of stress or fear, then ordinarily I would support any woman in having those conversations with him.

As it stands, he is not a fundamentally decent man. He is a sexual abuser and you should not attempt any reconciliation with anyone like that that. He is not a fit human being to be a partner, father, friend or employee, and he would be jailed and struck off from his job for his crimes. This is real life and this is the truth. No one should be entering into any conversations or arrangements with him about anything; he is only fit for prison.

Make a plan without his knowledge. Execute it and get out of there.

I'm sorry OP, if this is real, you need help.

To put it into context, no your DC should not be witnessing abuse. If they said in school or nursery that dad undresses mum and touches her in front of them, all kind of safeguarding referrals would be triggered.

This isn't a healthy environment for them. It's clear you're really trying to make a good childhood for them but you're an adult and you need to make progress pretty quickly here. Women's Aid can help, or even Citizens Advice. Google is your friend - you could do entire finance courses online if you wanted to.

Good luck

Have you got family support? Would your parents help you get away from this man?

My mum would probably want me to stay amd my dad would probably blame me for everything. He treated his family terribly. I don't really have anybody in real life I can talk too. I'm not very popular and never been a person who has lots of friends. I do gave one friend iv known since teen years. I have thought about talking to her again. Iv told her little bits a while ago.

This is absolutely not normal. Of course you're not his property, although he obviously thinks you are.

@Tulip2478 you say you don't have anybody to talk to?
I'd advise you to call Women's Aid , tell them everything.

I think you need to spell it out to your mum so she knows exactly what’s going on. If she isn’t sympathetic, as others have said, call Women’s Aid , try talking to your friend.