To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

Yes. It is.

You're perfectly able to argue with the people who are pointing out that you're being abused. Channel that ability into your dealings with him and get out of the relationship.

@Tulip2478 OP, the people are like children are those who are rude, abusive, and hateful to other people. Kindness, thoughtfulness, and compassion towards other people are the aspects of maturity. You have 3 children that you have a caring attitude towards, so to me, that means you are more grown up than most people.

I don’t understand why he’s taken responsibility for all bills but you’re responsible for childcare meaning you may have to give up the only bit of autonomy you have. Respectfully Op but if it walks like and duck and quacks like a duck…

Can you make a list of all the things you think you should know and learn to do them?
In the nicest possible way your DH is a lot older than you and so there is a good chance that one day you will need to know.
You could learn about them with your kids too.
I'm teaching my teens about finance as I learn too. Garyseconomics on IG is helpful for understanding the wider view of that.
There are great beginners courses on loads of things in loads of places.
Keeping you ignorant must work for your DH but it's not great for you.

Please don’t register your home rights for the moment. Once you do, he will be notified and start asking questions. I would hold off on doing this until you have made the decision to leave.

Try to find out about the basic household incomings and outgoings and be involved in this. If the worst happened and your husband unexpectedly died tomorrow, how would you know what's what and cope?
A lot of older generations were this way and the dependent spouses really struggled when the other died.

This post is so shocking, I’m not sure it’s real, but if it is. This marriage is extremely abusive and you need help to get out of it.

Why would it not be real?

That's why I'm trying to get practical help by posting on here. Because i am extremely naive about finances. I know its probably not a good situation to be in but tbh i thought this was normal. You werent brought up like me so you have no idea what i was led to believe is normal. I'm glad you're out if you think the whole thing is 'weird'. This is my life though nothing weird about it.

OP, from your perspective your relationship is entirely normal. It's what you grew up with (religion?) where men are the dominant species and have the right to the woman they married.
Most women commenting here will not have grown up or experienced this, this is why so many are perplexed why you appear to be accepting of your husbands treatment of you.
From what you have disclosed he has (in our eyes) sexually assaulted you, financially abused you and lied to you.
I am so sorry. This must be a shock.
None of this is anything to do with you not being a grown up.
It's to do with coercive control and abuse.
I'm very concerned that you said earlier you are paying half the mortgage? I'm also concerned that after you questioned your H about the deeds he's decided that your shifts clash and it means you should give up your job.
Do you feel able/want help with this? Outside help I mean?
YOU deserve better 🪻

Your situation is far from normal. Most women share finances with their partner, work, share childcare costs, are on the deeds and mortgage, aren't sexually abused and pestered and have control over their lives.

As proved when you asked your husband about the deeds, he obviously doesn't want you involved in the finances and doesn't want you on the deeds. I'm guessing that when you ask him about household finances, he'll yet again fob you off.

Can you contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline today and have a chat? They'll be able to confirm to you whether or not he's controlling. 0808 2000 247

I don't think I will be able to today because my sister is coming to my house. Do you think u should still try and ask him to write everything down for me? If I can today u will try and find all the mortgage statements and bills and try and work out the outgoings.

Thanks for your message. I would like to tell somebody what's been going on, the more opinions I get the more it doesn't sound normal. But u haven't got anybody I can talk to. I did mention to my best friend a couple of years ago about the finances not being shared and my H doing things in my sleep but she didn't seem to bothered and said he's a lovely man. She still gets on well with him. So I thought maybe I was overreacting and put it to the back of my mind. Its only the past few weeks where I realise I'm not even like a proper grown up that iv started questioning things again.

Your husband is lying to you. You can be on the mortgage, it doesn't matter that you're on a low income. For a mortgage, the bank will look at your combined income, so his and your salary together.
Surely you can Google what deeds are, or how mortgages work?

If this story is real, then your husband is definitely, definitely abusive. Abuse isn't necessarily about shouting, insults or hitting, it can be more underhand, like what your husband is doing.

In a normal, non abusive marriage you should be equals and you should feel able to discuss finances, property and jobs without feeling like you're treading on eggshells, which is what you're doing. No one should be crossing sexual boundaries, ever.

Just look at the facts:

-a 40 year old man senior in his job went for someone much more junior and only in her 20s. Why is that, why would he not go for someone of his own age and status who is an equal?

-he's refusing to share finances, put you on the mortgage/deeds and give you access to money, even when you were raising his children. He shows annoyance and gets cagey when you want to discuss finances.

-he's now trying to manipulate you into giving up your job by making childcare difficult for you - getting angry when you ask him about his shifts, refusing to compromise. It shouldn't be only you working around his shifts, you should be working around each other.

-you say he pulls down your pants around the house and has had sex with you in your sleep?? Wtf, this is rape and it's bullshit that he "didn't know". Even if it's true that he didn't know, it's still rape. He treats your body like property. It doesn't matter if it's not happening anymore because you don't sleep in the same room, the fact it's already happened shows you what sort of person he is.

I'm sorry, I know you don't want to believe that he's a bad person, and he may well have some good qualities - abusive people aren't always all bad. That doesn't mean they aren't abusive. It's why leaving an abusive relationship is so hard.

Whatever you do, don't give up your job. You'll be even more vulnerable and dependent if you don't have an income of your own, however small.
Get yourself clued up on finances, websites like Money Saving Expert and Nerd Wallet are good starting points.
And speak to Women's Aid, they'll have good advice on abuse.

To me it seems unreal, tales of daily sexual assault, rape when asleep, financial control, etc. none of which is normal in the slightest. Reads like a drama series. But if this is real, please get help cos it is shocking. And to think there’s children in this mess too makes it even more shocking.

It depends what you want to do OP re finances. I think it's an excellent idea to get as much financial information as you can - pensions, investments, debts, insurance, utilities etc but I would not tell your husband that is what you are doing. Take photos of all documents or if you have access, take photocopies.

I would get legal advice from a family law solicitor about your rights. Another great resource is the Citizens Advice webpage. It has all the information you need there.

I would contact a domestic abuse organisation for support and advice.

You don't have to do anything OP but it's wise to get as much information as you can and get organised.

OP you have been told on various threads now that you’re in an abusive relationship.

Your husband is abusing you sexually and financially and emotionally.

You now know that being raped in your sleep, having your dress pulled up and pants pulled down, being told your vagina belongs to him so he can touch it when he likes, are all things women do not have to put up with. PP including myself are finding it hard to believe that you are so naive still about what is being done to you, and are beginning to wonder if you are here to wind us all up. That’s how bad it is. Please listen.

Have you contacted Women’s Aid at all? You haven’t responded to anyone who has suggested it.

If you can find the financial documents today while he is out, then find them. Take photographs. I don’t think you should ask him about the finances. He’s already lied about the deeds. Does he think you are unable to search things online? Does he monitor your access? Check your search history? Start doing some research of your own if it’s safe to do so.

Again, childcare does not have to be paid by your wages. Tell your husband you will stay in the job and he has to pay at least half of the childcare. After all, you pay half of the mortgage now so it’s only fair.

It is possible to get a joint mortgage with just one income - especially if it’s a high one. Likely he lied about that too.

Have you told your sister any of this? Could she help you find things out? If she is a follower of a particularly strange religion I would not bother. Is your crappy friend also in the same religion? Trying to imagine me hearing about my friend being raped in her sleep and saying ‘your DH is a nice man’.

There is a better life waiting for you and DC away from this arsehole of a husband.

OP, your husband is a criminal.

He is a rapist. That is a crime.

He is coercive controlling you - and coercive control is a crime.

He lies to you and keeps you subjugated, like an object he owns, and treats you like a possession.

You mention religion. Can I just check that you are legally married in the UK? You have had a legal marriage and not just a religious one? If you aren’t legally married here, then you don’t have any of the automatic rights and protections that brings. It puts you in a very precarious position.

You need to talk urgently to Women's Aid and, hopefully, the police. Nobody deserves the sort of life you are being forced to lead.

OP I think it would be good to have a breakdown of all bills and your incomes, then you can see what you're working with. If your DH won't share the below with you, then it'll give you pause to think why is that?

Monthly Income - Yours and His. (including Child Benefit if you receive it)

Then subtract all of your Outgoings

Mortgage - any statement will tell you this
Council Tax - you can find out this online
Electric / Gas
Water
TV license
Subscriptions - netflix / amazon etc
Childcare costs
Car payments
Insurance - house, car,
Mobile phone contracts
Broadband
Food
Any other monthly outgoings

Anything left is money that you can put into savings and use for day to day - once you've got this, you'll then know where you stand.

I too was a very young bride and mum (married and 1st child early twenties) with an older husband. Only when I divorced him did I fully appreciate the above cost of being an adult. It's a hard lesson to learn and I hope that the above gives you an idea of what this all looks like. Knowledge is power OP.

For those asking about religion, I am white British amd so is my H, and yes we are legally married. The religion is a Christian one and we'll known but not a mainstream one. My H is not in the religion and doesn't have a religion. But my friend who I told about his behaviour in my sleep is in the religion, as is my sister and my parents.

I am going to try and and find documents today and take pictures.

That's great news OP. Keep us informed on how you get on.

The rape in my sleep hasn't happened in a long time, and I have posted about it before. As for the daily pulling clothes off, I didn't realise this was assault and something that wasn't considered normal for a husband to do and just a way of showing he wants me. But yes he does make me feel objectified but it's my first proper relationship and I wasn't really shown what a good relationship was as a child. I know you're judging me and a lot of people on here are but I genuinely thought all this was normal. After all I don't know any better.

OP are you able to access and use contraception that you can control? I’ve read that your third baby was unplanned, and assume you wouldn’t want a fourth. If you’re not able to leave your husband, and he doesn’t care whether you are consenting or not, keeping you pregnant and caring for young children is just another way he’ll control you.

OP the night rapes stopped because YOU moved into another bedroom - essentially using your children as a shield. Please stop glossing over this. He told you he would carry on with them when you confronted him.

Please don’t get pregnant again.

You seem to have a long way to go to understand what has been going on here.

Is your internet access limited/controlled by him?

Women’s Aid. Contact them today.

He then jokingly said sorry, why what are you planning? I just casually brushed it off

This one, @Tulip2478 Why did you brush off this question, rather than tell him that you're planning to gain a better understanding of your marital finances, so that you feel less like a child?

What do you think he would say if you told him that? Why can't you just come out with it?