To feel like I've never fully grown up?

[Tulip2478]

Posted here a couple of times before but I'm a long time reader of the helpful advice on here. Feeling really down the last few weeks and feel like it's because I never fully grew up. I'm 33 with three children and yet I feel stupid, immature and I second-guess my decisions constantly. I just don't feel like I know enough for someone my age.
As a backstory, my childhood wasn't the best but by no means the worst. My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, my mum struggled a lot because of it. My parents didn't really show me how to do things I.e ride a bike, swim, weren't interested in my education or career. They just didn't seem interested in my life during and after school so never helped me make good decisions regarding opportunities, or taught me anything about adult life.

I'm not trying to solely blame them but I don't think my childhood helped. Even though I'm older now I still feel useless and like a child. I think even my husband sees me like this in the nicest possible way. We met at work, he was 41 I was 24 and he was in a very senior position- he was so amazing in every way and I was and i still am in awe of him. He kind of took all the responsibilities of the house upon himself, i have a feeling he thinks i cant be trusted to make good decisions. We don't have a joint account, I don't have access to any of his money or cards, and I went back to work after babies because I had to ask for money and I hated it. He has always made the major decisions in our family I.e. extension on house, decorating, moving house. I have no idea of the monthly outgoings or how to ideally run a house. I'm also not on the mortgage. I get the feeling it's because he sees how immature I am. He loves me dearly though and I know that. But I feel so inadequate and like I never fully grew up and its embarrassing. I guess I'm just wanting to see if other people have ever felt the same way and if there is any helpful advice.

I'm suprised that I could still be allowed to be on the mortgage when my H told me he would put me on it then said I wasn't allowed by the bank. Why would he say that it seems so strange?! My credit rating isn't bad either. I am going to try and look for mortgage statements tommorow.

OP are you afraid of his reaction if you don't leave? It would be a bad idea to leave your job as it would mean you were completely dependent on him for money and you've already experienced how he won't give you money.

You should be sharing finances, the childcare shouldn't be solely paid by you.

Why would he say that it seems so strange?!

Because he wants to trap you!

Please try and do everything you can not to leave. If you leave, he will make life so much harder for you.

Have you got any savings of your own, OP? If not, I would strongly suggest you start building up some in an account. In the link I put on here, Martin Lewis has good advice about how to choose a bank account. These savings will be so helpful to you. With a job and some savings, you have an outlet and you have leverage and power. Please remember the power you have.

I’d also strongly suggest you contact Women’s Aid or Refuge, as they will be able to support you now and in the next few months and years.

I wish you and your DC all the very best luck in the world.

I almost can't believe this is real. The drip feeding etc etc. and believe me, I am not troll hunting but surely nobody is switched off that they fail to mention their husband pulls their pants down every single day?!

I hope it's not real anyway. Because if it is, you are really letting your kids down.

l can't be on the mortgage, my H said the bank won't allow it because I don't earn enough.

He is telling you nonsense. I’ve always been on the mortgage (joint names with DH) and spent 8 years as a SAHM and then many years part time with a fairly low income. It’s your joint income that matters and if he earns enough to get a mortgage on his salary alone the bank won’t be bothered with what you earn but you can of course and should be named on the mortgage.

It’s really not worth the risk making an accusation like this, even if you do suspect it.

Women in these conditions aren’t letting form their kids. The sole blame lies with the abuser.

@Didimum don't you think that mothers have an obligation to protect their children from harm though? Even if they're being abused themselves?

Children can't get themselves out of these situations so yes, as a parent, you owe it to your children to get them away from abusive rapists

You have no idea about my life or why I don't understand what a healthy relationship is.

But thanks for making me feel like an even shitter parent before i go to sleep, your comment did a world of good so well done you 👏. Yes my children do deserve better than me ill agree with you there. That's the whole point of the thread

@Tulip2478 I didn't say your children deserve better than you. But they deserve protecting from what you describe as a monster - and who is doing that protecting?

I just struggle with the casual dropping in of him now pulling your pants down in the kitchen every day and you not recognising this as well, an actual crime tbh.

@Acapulco12 I am going to look into a savings account tommorow. No I have no savings at all. I am also going to try and find out all the outgoings etc of the home.

I wish you the very best of luck.

I didn't just drop it in. I have mentioned it on a previous thread which many people were referring too. And no u didn't think it was a crime actually because he's my husband. I was raised to believe a husband is the head and that a woman has a duty to her husbands needs. The only person I have told about my husband having sex in my sleep is my best friend, also brought up the same way in the same religion and she wasn't even shocked or bothered by it, so it's clear why I was confused. Like I said you know nothing about my life.

@Tulip2478 you stated that you think that 'maybe' your children do see your husband sexually abusing you when he pulls up your skirt people down your pants. Those were your words

And that is very very wrong and should not need pointing out the damage that will do to them

I believe abusive relationships are highly complex situations in which women very often have been indoctrinated into beliefs about themselves and their realities by systematic and/or forceable means.

@Didimum me too.

But where does that leave three innocent young children?

Leave her alone please.

Stop it now please. She is posting on here for help and understanding. Allow her to access the help she is reaching for. You are doing more harm than good.

@Didimum oh I intend to.

But when kids are being potential witnesses to sexual abuse - you may be comfortable with pretending OP didn't say that but I wasn't comfortable with it

However I'm out because the whole thing is just very very weird

Please can you stop writing messages like this, talking about ‘three innocent young children’?

The OP is clearly in a horrible situation and has been for several years. It’s going to be very difficult for the OP to get out of it and she’s going to need a lot of support and resources. She obviously knows her children are affected by the situation too. It’s not like she doesn’t know. Your emotively worded messages asking about her children make it sound as if she is unaware and uncaring about what happens to them - I’m 100% sure that’s not true.

It would be much more helpful - I think - if you could write a message of support or practical advice for the OP rather than mentioning the OP’s children and the situation they’re in.

Sure. I have been on this thread several times today offering advice at every turn because I am ‘comfortable’ with OP’s situation.

I assume you have a bank account in your name - do you get child benefit paid into it? If you want to look at your overall financial situation, I’d also recommend looking at the benefits calculator https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/survey/1/4fe5b90d-9539-415d-8c2b-99519c2e5c92 which can help you see what you’d be entitled to if (hopefully when!) you leave your H. Worth noting that you could get benefits for all three of your children (the normal 2 child limit wouldn’t apply) because you had them in an abusive relationship: https://www.gov.uk/guidance/child-tax-credit-exceptions-to-the-2-child-limit#a-child-born-as-a-result-of-non-consensual-conception

Your husband has made you feel this way.

You would be feeling perfectly fine and wholly different if you hadn’t been targeted by the older male colleague who wanted a young impressionable wife he could bully.

There is nothing wrong with you. You’ve probably just been too nice and married into submission. Your husband has things just the way he likes it by the sound of it. Do you have your own savings?

Omg I'm so sorry but he is sexually abusing you. And financial abuse too. It sounds like your standards of behaviour from others are a bit 'off' as a result of your parenting.
Maybe start a new post in the relationships board where you can get practical and supportive advice.