Colleague dick pic

[ByChicCat]

Eurgh, I am feeling just rotten tonight. Absolutely wracked with anxiety and misery.

A male colleague, whom I would consider a mate, has sent me some dick pics and I'm feeling horribly guilty about it? I didn't ask for these photos, I don't feel as if I have intimated that I ever wanted them but after he'd sent them I didn't set a clear boundary and it's left me feeling like I'm the one at fault for trying to handle it with a bit of deftness.

The office culture where we work is very 'lads chat' and so sexual banter is commonplace, he's also very flirty in his chitchat with all us women and we just play along as that's his character. There's no explicit stuff, it's more just wink-and-a-nudge innuendo level. I am not interested in him in any way, shape or form but I do have a tendency to 'mirror' people when I communicate with them and so I never felt uncomfortable with his being a flirty person.

Basically, I didn't want to make things awkward by being like "this is inappropriate" when he sent them, so I matched the flirty tone of his messages but in one word answers to try and close it down without any unpleasantness and to save his ego. Big mistake, I realise.

That obviously didn't work so in the end I went for the 'let's have a laugh about this' approach and said "you're not getting anything back from me 😂" because he was asking for some. Eventually he did stop asking, but he kept mentioning what he'd sent me and now I just feel dirty. I feel as though because I've allowed the (what I believed was harmless) flirty chit chat to happen in person, that I've essentially signed away any right to be miffed by this.

I have a partner whom I adore and this has left me feeling as though I've cheated on him! Receiving a photo of someone else's genitals just feels like...cheating, I can't find another word to explain how I feel! Even though they were sent without my being asked. There was also no conversation prior to them being sent, we weren't messaging or anything, he just sent them.

My partner, for what it's worth, knows what he's like because I've been very open and honest about this chap and his role as the office get around. I just didn't expect him to escalate things like this with me? Knowing I have a partner.

I don't really know why I'm posting here, I'd just like to stop feeling guilty about this because I know, deep down, this isn't my fault. I just feel at least partly to blame by not making it immediately clear how much I didn't want them, which I worry could now be construed as me having felt fine to have received them.

@ByChicCat There is nothing wrong with being a "nice, agreeable person". Please don't apologise for your personality or feel you have to change it. I'd much rather work with someone like you anyday. It is him and only him who is in the wrong here and he is the only one who should have to change the way he behaves around other people. He has taken advantage of the fact that you are nice and haven't told him where to go, like some others may have done. This is not your fault!

The only way you could have encouraged it would be if you had sent him a pic of your bits first.

Look at it this way, even if you were into him, single, wanting to hook up, would you have wanted to receive a dick pic from him??? I love my DH, I fancy him, happy to have sex with him, but I still don’t want a fucking dick pic from him!

It’s ok to have boundaries and to let people know if they have crossed those boundaries. It sounds like you didn’t mind a bit of banter, but this pic has crossed your boundary.

With regards to your anxiety and not being sure what to do, think about what you want to have achieved by the end of all this. Your ideal end result. Picture that, then work backwards to figure out what you need to do to get to that point.

For example, would you like to get to a point where you no longer work in this environment and you have done everything you can to ensure this person doesn’t do it again? If so, report through the proper channels in your office, brush up your CV and start looking around for opportunities.

Or would you like to carry on working there and for everyone to get on minus the sexual harassment? Then speak to him directly and tell him to stop this shit as it’s pissing you off now.

Or maybe you’d like to move internally to a different team? Then just focus on whatever you need to do to get transferred and ignore the rest of the noise.

Just think about your end goal and how to get there.

I think this is really useful, and practical advice.

It's an excellent approach @ByChicCat so try and work out what it is you want from happen.

What I will also add is that if you want to talk to this asshat directly, I'd put in all in an email so you have a paper trail.

Op I think your emphasis here is not helping you in this situation. This isn’t really about ruminating on whether you have done something wrong, or are a victim, or what your mum thinks. The critical issue is about how to respond.

Sometimes to be kindest to yourself isn’t about exonerating yourself or otherwise; it’s about taking the steps you need to pragmatically deal with the situation in the wisest way.

The problem at the moment is that he has sent you an inappropriate text. You need to respond to it appropriately - and so far you haven’t. Essentially, you need to respond that you are not happy about it. So far you have not done so, as I understand it . You have sent an ambiguous response about how you aren’t sending him any photos, avoiding any mention of disapproval of what he has done. Without that disapproval being conveyed, you even risk sounding like you were being playful in not immediately sending one.

Please just forget about worrying if you have done something wrong etc. None of us are here to judge but to advise. Just act now to address the situation. It’s really important you tell him you don’t want to be sent those sorts of pictures.

Great post 👏👏

Some really great advice from Calliopespa

and

Pookerrod

Wise and practical

Why not just be totally honest oP? Just text him and say something like:

“I am still reeling at the shock of getting that text photo. It has really upset me and please don’t ever send me anything inappropriate again.”

I think you need to send some acknowledgment of your change of tone:

something like:

“I’ve tried to fit in with the team at work where there is a lot of laddish banter but honestly, your explicit photos were a shock. They are inappropriate and a line has been crossed. Please don’t send anything like that to me again »

Or even better stick with Happinessgame’s wording:

Happinessgame · Today 07:48
I think you should say something like “I wanted to follow up on this. My initial reply was shock and I didn’t know what to say. However, now I have processed I want to be clear that it is inappropriate and in fact a violation for you, or anyone, to send unsolicited “dick pics”. Never do that again, to me or anyone. There is a clear line to work banter and you have fundamentally crossed it.”

I think your mum's response speaks volumes! I am the mother of daughters and one of them came to me upset about something I might consider trivial I would never tell her what your mum did.

As you now know, what happened to you is not trivial, it's a crime. A crime that should get him sacked.

If your mum is not as supportive in other aspects of your life it explains your stament I am aware that I have a tendency to 'be agreeable' and toe the line, even when I know it's not right.

But you've now got the might of mumsnet behind you and if you're as young as I suspect, you are on the path to growing stronger and if you ever have daughters will be able to pass that strength on.

Learn from this OP. You don't have to be agreeable or #BeKind.

If he loses his job it's on him. And hopefully the men in the office will learn from it!

I'd leave out the please, tbh. It's an instruction not a request.

I'm sorry you're by yourself at the moment. But you've got us.

I'm sorry your mum's failed you on this one. She's wrong. It happens. I'd stop discussing with her.

Do not engage with him at all, by text or any other way.

And stop apologising, stop agonising over whether you 'failed' to deal properly, or behaved in a wrong way, or were in any way to blame. He. Chose. To. Do. That.

Again, you are the victim of a sexual assault currently dealing with the aftermath.

As you have free time, today write it all out, make a police report and get a reference number to quote. Reassurance: Cyberflashing is a criminal offence, and there have already been convictions. https://lawcom.gov.uk/cyberflashing-to-become-a-criminal-offence/

Then how about sending it to your husband? Hopefully he's the good sort who'll support you all the way. (I'm finding myself imagining him going to your workplace and giving him a short sharp shock, and have surprised myself with how much I'd like that).

Then also email your account direct to your HR department, tell them you have already reported it to the police (so they can't minimise) and formally request a meeting on your return to discuss your grievance. Everything in writing, formal terms, don't back down. Quote the law.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/cyberflashing-nude-pictures-whatsapp-online-safety-bill-b2511251.html

Do you have access to your staff handbook/ code of conduct etc? It should have clear guidelines on gross misconduct, bullying and harassment etc. Quote the company's own policy.

Do you have a union rep? They should back you and support you at a meeting.

And have you kept the picture? Unsavoury though it is is, I'd store it on your home computer, ready to send as evidence. Ensure they know you have it but don't send it unless requested.

He's done it before. He'll do it again.
Taking this action could help protect other women and girls from him doing worse in the future. And you could say it's doing him a favour, stopping him escalation into even worse behaviour.

We're here.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread. I used to work at a similar kind of place, please just be so careful with these 'men' , I was young and the same as you just going along with the banter at work.
Very dangerous for a female. I went out on a night out with these work colleagues and someone spiked my drink, I am unsure of what actually happened that night and ruined my self confidence and who I was as a person. I wish I had gone to HR but I ultimately left.
Please stay away from these men and just sit on your own if possible and probably find a new job elsewhere.

This is really good advice, thank you so much. That's helped me see the wood for the trees a bit actually!

It's not necessarily a popular option, but my end goal is for this to not have any negative impact on my life whatsoever. In that I don't want to be subjected to any blacklisting from him or other colleagues, don't want to have to go through any lengthy internal investigations, just want to be able to move on with my life.

As it happens, I'm due to move teams soon anyway and will be working in a different building to him and our paths will not cross. That is a small comfort.

Christ, I'm so sorry that happened to you! I hope that you are okay now.

Yes certainly lessons learned, will go it alone from now on and not be so concerned about 'fitting in' with the culture.

One day at a time. Some people don't get affected by this and some do.

Remember you can have some sick leave to process the stress.

HR will make the judgement call on who is most valuable to the company. The business is the prioity not you. If this person brings in revenue or has more social standing, then they will make a decision based on that. This is the risk with HR is that they will put the business first in the short term.

You are your priority. He chose to cross the line, and you can't unsee it,.Shat do you need to feel safe?

Ugh, vile man. You should definitely report it. At "best" it was misjudged but in reality it is sexual harassment . Unlikely to have only been directed to you, there may have been other previous victims unable to speak up. I had to report sexual comments many years ago, it was nasty and made me feel vulnerable in the workplace.

It's not your job to 'keep it light' though is it. He has harassed you and your main concern is being nice to him. Did he extend the same courtesy to you?

Usually I would suggest making an official complaint through the company grievance procedure but it sounds like the kind of set up where everyone is terminally thick about these things.

Leave, tell them why in writing and understand that 'lads banter' isn't the norm anymore. Forget these shitty little offices in terms of your future employment.

Understand you don’t want any hassle out of this. I’m afraid to say though that if this guy is as much of a boundary-less arrogant “laddish” wanker as he sounds, then I don’t think not doing anything now will be in your favour. It’s quite possible he could tell others the story like it’s a funny story and he’s waiting for your nudes back, or that he could try again with you etc. I really think you need to set a boundary and make sure he knows you think it’s vile. If you’re moving teams soon you can set that boundary and then be reassured you get away from him soon. Even if reacts badly and says dumb stuff, it’s quite possible it will be a cover up for his humiliation and anger at realising deep down that he’s fucking gross

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply, again I have read all responses even if I've not personally replied.

Just wanted to provide an update, as I have now taken steps to address this and he has been made aware that I was not appreciative of his conduct.

To that end, I have also used this as my first opportunity moving forward to assert myself and clearly set boundaries. I was amazed at how liberating it has felt and I truly feel in doing so that the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders!

I'm not going to go into detail about how this has been addressed and with whom, just know that I have taken on board lots of the advice posted here and done what I feel is right.

I want to say a sincere thank you to everyone who has offered me support, I really can't overstate how much of a comfort it has been and I'm so unbelievably grateful to have had such a display of kindness from strangers.

What a fab bunch you Mumsnetters are 💐

I'm proud of you OP. Well done 😊

Well done OP!

Bravo!

Really well done @ByChicCat !!! Give yourself a big pat on the back! It's not easy (for some of us) to put boundaries in place and I'm really proud of you! xxx

Brill to hear, thanks for not only for yourself but for women across the world and sticking it to the patriarchy

Well done, OP.

And this

I was amazed at how liberating it has felt and I truly feel in doing so that the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders!

This is why it's so important that we do advocate for ourselves.