Colleague dick pic

[ByChicCat]

Eurgh, I am feeling just rotten tonight. Absolutely wracked with anxiety and misery.

A male colleague, whom I would consider a mate, has sent me some dick pics and I'm feeling horribly guilty about it? I didn't ask for these photos, I don't feel as if I have intimated that I ever wanted them but after he'd sent them I didn't set a clear boundary and it's left me feeling like I'm the one at fault for trying to handle it with a bit of deftness.

The office culture where we work is very 'lads chat' and so sexual banter is commonplace, he's also very flirty in his chitchat with all us women and we just play along as that's his character. There's no explicit stuff, it's more just wink-and-a-nudge innuendo level. I am not interested in him in any way, shape or form but I do have a tendency to 'mirror' people when I communicate with them and so I never felt uncomfortable with his being a flirty person.

Basically, I didn't want to make things awkward by being like "this is inappropriate" when he sent them, so I matched the flirty tone of his messages but in one word answers to try and close it down without any unpleasantness and to save his ego. Big mistake, I realise.

That obviously didn't work so in the end I went for the 'let's have a laugh about this' approach and said "you're not getting anything back from me 😂" because he was asking for some. Eventually he did stop asking, but he kept mentioning what he'd sent me and now I just feel dirty. I feel as though because I've allowed the (what I believed was harmless) flirty chit chat to happen in person, that I've essentially signed away any right to be miffed by this.

I have a partner whom I adore and this has left me feeling as though I've cheated on him! Receiving a photo of someone else's genitals just feels like...cheating, I can't find another word to explain how I feel! Even though they were sent without my being asked. There was also no conversation prior to them being sent, we weren't messaging or anything, he just sent them.

My partner, for what it's worth, knows what he's like because I've been very open and honest about this chap and his role as the office get around. I just didn't expect him to escalate things like this with me? Knowing I have a partner.

I don't really know why I'm posting here, I'd just like to stop feeling guilty about this because I know, deep down, this isn't my fault. I just feel at least partly to blame by not making it immediately clear how much I didn't want them, which I worry could now be construed as me having felt fine to have received them.

2 things can be true

the bloke was awful to send pics.

the op wasn’t behaving great before that flirting at work

This was pretty common when I worked in various companies with a lot of men (also very bantery casual offices), they knew I had a partner, I didn't flirt with them at all though, they were just random as everyone had access to all staff phone numbers so sometimes they'd be drunk and send them.

It's not a big deal. You won't care about it in a few months. Genitals are just genitals, porn isn't cheating (maybe flattering them a bit too much there haha).

It's quite common for women to fawn when in this sort of position. I've responded similarly to guys who have sent unsolicited dpics or explicit/ inappropriate messages or other content.

In a work environment it's not some stranger you can risk a straight forward angry or stern response to, because they aren't someone you can just walk away from after. She has to see this guy every day. And in an environment with all that 'lads banter', it doesn't sound an easy one to navigate a complaint in.

So I can understand brushing it offthis way.

Yes I accept this, I'm certainly not under any illusion that I've behaved impeccably.

How grim for you OP.

You are not the first person he has done this to. He has used inapproprate beahviour to change the power dynamic so you feel scared of him (fawning and freeze response) and have become compliant. Sending unsolicited pictures of genitals for any purposes is never acceptable.

1. Your priority is to get a new job. Yes its unfair and rage inducing that you have to deal with this- but your saftety and sanity are a priority here.
2. Stop replying to his messages after hours and mute him. Dont respond to any flirty banter any more.
3. When you feel safe again report to the police. You have the evidence and you can even show them this thread as proof of you mindset at the time. It would be good to strike while the iron is hot, but as this is your income you need to get some security first. I reported a sexual assault 15 years after it occured with no evidence and the police still investigated it.

Best of luck X

This is NOT your fault in any way.
Do you have any reason to think he has only sent them to you? Could there be several other women going through just the same traumatic feelings as you are now?
This is why he should be reported so he can be stopped and others don't go through the same distress as you are.

Some men are just vile.
for you.

I certainly hope that you are right, if this could all blow over I'd be pleased enough with that.

Well I think then, when you have sent your response and feel calm you should tell OH. Or, you could tell him everything, about how you want to send a message to be clearer, and ask him to help you write it?

You said your work place has a culture of misogynistic banter. For that reason alone I would look to move on and get yourself out of that environment. You will surely be able to get another job you like outside of that kind of culture?

I believe that if you report him and he gets sacked, which he should do, that you will find you are unofficially ‘blamed’ by some of those bantering colleagues and they may make work difficult for you. If they don’t sack him it would make things very awkward for you. So although it is absolutely the right thing to do in principle, it’s something to think seriously about.

If you choose to leave, I would I make sure HR know the reasons and I would show them the evidence in person (not forwarding the messages).

Good luck OP.
Some men truly are repulsive.

💐

One female colleague mentioned having received similar, she is a friend but I'm not sure I trust her 100% yet and I don't want to further risk this getting out by involving other people. Hmmm

And thank you 💗

Thank you for your response x

Don't apologise for anything! You have done nothing wrong.

Sexual harassment is a criminal offence.

Thank you, I appreciate your response. Lots to consider, will sleep on it and see how I'm feeling in the morning x

No bother- see how you feel in the morning and if the thought of seeing him makes you stressed get signed off for a week of sick leave and have a break.

Even if you can "deal" on a daily basis it will wear you down. Look after yourself first.

I completely understand why you mirrored his behaviour to some degree. Women are conditioned to not cause drama, to be 'cool' with innuendos and go with the flow. Males leading and calling the shots obviously. I'm trying to teach my daughter that she doesn't need to be this way but I get how difficult it is, especially when you don't want to make things awkward. HE is in the wrong here! I'd suggest taking it further as it's not appropriate. And try to remember the boundaries you need and feel comfortable with.

Thank you, I appreciate that. Yes it can certainly be difficult to navigate and I've long struggled with asserting myself, definitely something to work on going forward.

I'm also aware that my boundaries need strengthening and I think that's going to be the hardest hurdle, because I've always allowed them to be pushed. In every area of life.

Definitely do not apologise. You've done nothing wrong.

I think you should:

1. Tell your partner.
2. Send a stern message to the creep making it clear you did not want the pictures, that he should never do it again & that you want no contact with him going forward other than professionally.
3. Don't forward the messages but make sure they're backed up as proof.
4. Keep your distance at work.
5. At the same time, report to your line manager, HR union rep and police.
6. Insist that action is taken against this creep. He needs to be sacked.

Good luck.

Remember he is 100% in the wrong. You're not to blame.

Thank you, I appreciate that. Good steps to follow, I'll get the ball rolling tomorrow.

OP, I have worked in a similar, male dominated, macho, lads chat industry in London my entire career. I know the type of banter you are talking about. And I have grown close to my male colleagues, particularly before kids when I used to work day and night and travel the world for work week in, week out.

I have quite a few stories of extremely inappropriate behaviour where the flirtatious banter has been taken too far, not dick pics (before my time) but very inappropriate touching or groping by my male work friends. Every single time I have snapped and put them in their place immediately. It is extremely important to do this. Swiftly and aggressively and then move on. I have literally swung around and said “get your fucking hands off my arse before I break your fingers”. Each individual has never done it again. Although there was often another one waiting in the wings.

They understood immediately that they had crossed a boundary. And it never affected our future relationship. I remain work friends with most of them.

Plenty of women wouldn’t agree with my approach. Plenty of women would feel that I shouldn’t have dealt with it myself and should have passed it to HR. They may not be wrong but it has worked for me. But what you definitely cannot do is not act at all.

If I were in your situation I would simply message him “send me your dick pics or mention it again and your tiny prick goes viral”.

Wow. Talk about victim blaming.

Ever heard of women freezing or smiling while backing away from men on public transport who touch them inappropriately?

It happens quite often because women
-are initially shocked and it takes a while to process overt sexual aggression
-women have been socialised to be polite and compliant
-women can feel instinctively afraid by something so confronting.from someone who is physically stronger than them.

A dick pic is not so far removed from the above except it comes in digital form,
and it is totally designed to shock. He knew exactly what he was doing by sending it. It’s as much about power and what he can get away with as it is sexual.

This man has obviously been testing op’s boundaries at work for a while. These types always try it out on people who don’t want to cause any bother and “want to be a good sport” . He relied on the fact that it would be awkward for op to protest in a professional setting which has a “lads culture”.

Report him op. You haven’t done anything wrong. His behaviour on the other hand is totally inappropriate.

Be prepared to have to get another job though. Sorry to say that as It’s not remotely fair but men like this tend to run in packs.

I absolutely love this approach and it is one that I like to think I would be capable of. But then I show myself up by being a fucking wallflower and completely lacking in strength.

One of my colleagues once told me that my job requires "strong women" and he meant mentally strong, like you have described above. I fear that's not me, I'm not sure how to instil this approach in myself...

I don’t think you need to change jobs, I do believe that if this goes to HR he’s the one who is going to need a new job. Any conversations with HR stay there, and if he gets fired (which he will), I don’t think it’s in his best interests to tell people it’s because he was sending unsolicited dick pics to his female colleagues. These types prey on females because they know they’ll keep quiet about it, once you don’t they loose their power. The ball is on your court here OP.

Thank you so much for your considered response, I appreciate it.

Yes I fear you're right on your final point and I am considering that unfortunately consequence.