Colleague dick pic

[ByChicCat]

Eurgh, I am feeling just rotten tonight. Absolutely wracked with anxiety and misery.

A male colleague, whom I would consider a mate, has sent me some dick pics and I'm feeling horribly guilty about it? I didn't ask for these photos, I don't feel as if I have intimated that I ever wanted them but after he'd sent them I didn't set a clear boundary and it's left me feeling like I'm the one at fault for trying to handle it with a bit of deftness.

The office culture where we work is very 'lads chat' and so sexual banter is commonplace, he's also very flirty in his chitchat with all us women and we just play along as that's his character. There's no explicit stuff, it's more just wink-and-a-nudge innuendo level. I am not interested in him in any way, shape or form but I do have a tendency to 'mirror' people when I communicate with them and so I never felt uncomfortable with his being a flirty person.

Basically, I didn't want to make things awkward by being like "this is inappropriate" when he sent them, so I matched the flirty tone of his messages but in one word answers to try and close it down without any unpleasantness and to save his ego. Big mistake, I realise.

That obviously didn't work so in the end I went for the 'let's have a laugh about this' approach and said "you're not getting anything back from me 😂" because he was asking for some. Eventually he did stop asking, but he kept mentioning what he'd sent me and now I just feel dirty. I feel as though because I've allowed the (what I believed was harmless) flirty chit chat to happen in person, that I've essentially signed away any right to be miffed by this.

I have a partner whom I adore and this has left me feeling as though I've cheated on him! Receiving a photo of someone else's genitals just feels like...cheating, I can't find another word to explain how I feel! Even though they were sent without my being asked. There was also no conversation prior to them being sent, we weren't messaging or anything, he just sent them.

My partner, for what it's worth, knows what he's like because I've been very open and honest about this chap and his role as the office get around. I just didn't expect him to escalate things like this with me? Knowing I have a partner.

I don't really know why I'm posting here, I'd just like to stop feeling guilty about this because I know, deep down, this isn't my fault. I just feel at least partly to blame by not making it immediately clear how much I didn't want them, which I worry could now be construed as me having felt fine to have received them.

That's a good point, I'd not considered that. I don't really want him to lose his job, I'd just like this to not be mentioned again. I wonder if that's wishful thinking on my part.

Dick pics? In which universe would that ever be ok?

Christ! Who does this? I mean it’s never ok but if he was some clueless teenager then it would be easier to understand but a work colleague?! This is the equivalent of you popping into the kitchen at work to grab a coffee and he pops his cock out for you to admire. It’s so inappropriate, creepy and predatory and raises big reg flags for me because this goes beyond ‘banter’, it’s intrusive and off and it makes me question his boundaries. How can he possibly think this is remotely ok?

Your workplace sounds like a horrible environment to be in.

How long have you been there? Do you have the same line manager? What he has done is probably not his first time.

Sorry OP but you’re being to nice and too naive, you want this man to loose his job because he’s sexually harassing you and other women. You want this creep far away from you. This man deserves to loose his job.

Cyber flashing is an offence that can carry up to two years imprisonment.

Tell your partner. You have suffered a form of sexual assault and your reaction here is very frequently seen in victims.

It was not your fault. As others have said, your reaction is classic female-socialised fawning and appeasement when feeling threatened.

Then to HR.

Please read these:

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/cyberflashing-to-become-a-criminal-offence

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/cyberflashing-nude-pictures-whatsapp-online-safety-bill-b2511251.html

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-68543605

You can find your strength. You can change your reaction. It sounds like you’re relatively early in your career, you can fake this mentality until it comes automatically. Most of us do to begin with.

Next time he says or messages something, find your anger and come out punching. You can do it! Don’t let this awkwardness caused by some prick define your future career.

Yes that's a good point, I suppose. I'd not considered it against it's real-life counterpart.

Not long enough to rock the boat, unfortunately. And yes, we have the same line manager. They are very good friends, so I'm onto a loser here.

He's not popular with any of the other managers though so perhaps I could sidestep ours...

Yes, I know you're right. I am trying to find a fuss-free way through this but I suppose that is not the answer.

Thank you 💗

Thank you for the advice, I will channel this going forward as best I can!

Op I can see how it could be that you mirrored his communication style. It's easier sometimes isn't it. But that doesn't mean you encouraged this. What he done was out of order.
I'd maybe message and say to him look for future reference I have a partner so no more pics I've had a think and it was disrespectful to him.

How shocking. Fucking dirty creep. I'd be going higher up with this. Definitely report. And tell your OH ASAP.

This is the best message to send him - from a previous poster:

‘I haven’t been clear enough in my response as I was embarrassed and shocked. Don’t send me any more pictures. It is inappropriate and illegal. Please keep all interactions with me professional from now on.’

WTF. It’s disrespectful to OP! It’s sexual harassment of OP!
Is it OK to flash single women because they don’t have a partner to disrespect?

There is no boat to rock though because you have done nothing wrong.

Did you ask him to send you pics? Did you send him a picture of your vagina and then asked if he’d reciprocate? Are you involved sexually with him? Its a hard no to all of the above.

He has, entirely out of the blue, indecently exposed himself to you and you are on MN saying you feel anxious and worried.

Id definitely be side stepping your line manager and having a talk with someone above both of them about your toxic work culture and the fact that this asshat thinks it’s ok to send you pictures of his cock. He’ll be gone by tomorrow close of business!

Yes true, I suppose. And you're correct, hard no to all of those - failing to set my own boundaries with the allowing of flirtation, but nothing further.

Despite that, I still feel this is my fault. I can't shake it at all and I don't know what will stop me feeling this way.

I keep playing over our last conversation and thinking "ah yes, I said xyz and that's why he's sent these. Oh I responded to abc with xyz and that may have given him cause to think I would be open to this..." I'm just over analysing it all now and trying to find the moment that gave him a free pass.

OP please don’t feel like you have to justify your reaction in response to comments like this. There’s no rulebook governing a response to what you received in order to make it ‘genuine’ or not.

It’s also incredibly normal to go through the feelings of self doubt or ‘blame’ that you’re experiencing now. Even without unhelpful comments like this. However please know that they are unwarranted - the only way in which you could have legitimised this man’s actions would have been by asking him ‘please send a dick pic’. which you clearly didn’t.

Please do speak to HR with the support of a trusted colleague. Very sorry you experienced this.

Thank you so much for your kindness, it is greatly appreciated.

I really like this response.

OP. It's NOT your fault. I'd have probably reacted in the same way when I was younger and the laughing emoji would be my way of covering up my embarrassment. I would giggle at inappropriate comments, not because I thought them funny, but I just didn't know how to respond.

I have worked in those kind of environments in the past and hated them. It's great to be able to take on this kind of behaviour, but your first responsibility is looking after you. I think, pragmatically, looking elsewhere, would be something to consider, going forward.

I think if I were your husband I would want to know. You didn't deliberately encourage him, and a grown up conversation about lessons learned and strategies to handle men perhaps could be helpful. You know your husband best, of course.

Whatever you decide, just keep remembering it's him not you. Good luck :) xxx

Don’t over think this.
just because you have entertained his banter doesn’t mean he can just send you pics

very stupid of him to do this to a work colleague.

I feel so sorry for you. Your response is natural but this isn’t your fault, not at all.

He's a digital flasher and you're blaming yourself. It's not uncommon for women to think 'I must have led him on' - across the whole spectrum of shitty sexual behaviour from men. There's something in what PP have said about the fawn and freeze responses - it's a choice, often made un/subconsciously, at lightning speed - your nervous system's assessment of your best option to keep yourself safe. They're less well known than fight and flight, but they're all in service of your safety. Nothing to be ashamed about.

He's a creep. I'm wondering if his previous 'banter' was his way of testing the water, softening you up, kind of grooming you bit by bit. Normalising the erosion of boundaries that should be taken for granted in the workplace. I'm angry on your behalf.

Now this has happened, do you think he's sent dick pics to any of your colleagues, or that he might in future?

I don't think you should blame yourself OP, or worry about his popularity. I wonder if he has form for this kind of thing and that is why he isn't popular with other managers.

Were the messages on work phones? I'd assume this was against most workplace rules if nothing else!

It seems like a power play to me. This stuff sucks. You are a victim when it happens, and again when you deal with it or change jobs as a result.

My quite elderly mother once encountered a flasher. She told him that she'd seen bigger earthworms. She reported him to the police who thanked herbon the basis that people like this often escalate.

For what it's worth somebody once grabbed me after work. He was married, I wasn't and I was his boss. He definitely didn't get any encouragement from me. I was mostly terrified that a colleague would stumble on the scene and assume something was going on. He took one look at my absolutely horrified face and backed away and neither of us referred to the incident ever again. He later took advantage of the rather drunken and very young receptionist at a staff party. These men always have an eye to the main chance whether encouraged or not.

Tell your colleague that you were so shocked you didn't initially know what to say. If he does anything like that again you will report him to HR in an instant. I understand you felt you were responding in kind but my mother, apart from opining about earthworms, always told me that "just because you see somebody on the way to hell, you don't have to follow them". I have found this a very useful rule.

This guy has no brains. No tact.

1. sending those pics can get him instantly fired.
2. Lad culture? Would he send those to a guy? No, not your fault.

If he wanted “more” from you, he should have used his words, gently, kindly. Not ick dick pics.

IMO you should keep his photos, messages, just in case things get worse and you need evidence.
Keep your communications with him G rated going forward.