Colleague dick pic

[ByChicCat]

Eurgh, I am feeling just rotten tonight. Absolutely wracked with anxiety and misery.

A male colleague, whom I would consider a mate, has sent me some dick pics and I'm feeling horribly guilty about it? I didn't ask for these photos, I don't feel as if I have intimated that I ever wanted them but after he'd sent them I didn't set a clear boundary and it's left me feeling like I'm the one at fault for trying to handle it with a bit of deftness.

The office culture where we work is very 'lads chat' and so sexual banter is commonplace, he's also very flirty in his chitchat with all us women and we just play along as that's his character. There's no explicit stuff, it's more just wink-and-a-nudge innuendo level. I am not interested in him in any way, shape or form but I do have a tendency to 'mirror' people when I communicate with them and so I never felt uncomfortable with his being a flirty person.

Basically, I didn't want to make things awkward by being like "this is inappropriate" when he sent them, so I matched the flirty tone of his messages but in one word answers to try and close it down without any unpleasantness and to save his ego. Big mistake, I realise.

That obviously didn't work so in the end I went for the 'let's have a laugh about this' approach and said "you're not getting anything back from me 😂" because he was asking for some. Eventually he did stop asking, but he kept mentioning what he'd sent me and now I just feel dirty. I feel as though because I've allowed the (what I believed was harmless) flirty chit chat to happen in person, that I've essentially signed away any right to be miffed by this.

I have a partner whom I adore and this has left me feeling as though I've cheated on him! Receiving a photo of someone else's genitals just feels like...cheating, I can't find another word to explain how I feel! Even though they were sent without my being asked. There was also no conversation prior to them being sent, we weren't messaging or anything, he just sent them.

My partner, for what it's worth, knows what he's like because I've been very open and honest about this chap and his role as the office get around. I just didn't expect him to escalate things like this with me? Knowing I have a partner.

I don't really know why I'm posting here, I'd just like to stop feeling guilty about this because I know, deep down, this isn't my fault. I just feel at least partly to blame by not making it immediately clear how much I didn't want them, which I worry could now be construed as me having felt fine to have received them.

Are you working today @ByChicCat ? I hope you've been to see HR?

This is good. It's detached and professional. Send it then screenshot everything.

Email it all to HR and let them decide how to proceed.

Contact the police and report it.

Please do all of this as if you don't you will regret it later on. I didn't report my rapist because my reaction was to freeze and fawn and I thought it was my fault. I deeply regret that now. I wish I had gone to the police.

This man is a sex offender. It's not banter. It's not fun. It's criminal.

Please report him and know that whatever happens isn't your fault, it's his.

In fact, screenshot everything, then send it, then screenshot that message.

I think that you are minimising in your mind what you colleague has done. Just because he flashed you by phone rather than in person does not make it less of an offence.

When I was a teenager there was a guy who used to hang around near our school and flash us when we were coming back from PE. Did we think that we were inviting his behaviour because we were wearing little PE skirts that flapped up when it was windy? No we thought he was a sad little man and got the Head to ask the police to speak to him. Your situation is no different - his behaviour is not your fault.

Thank you all for your considered and kind responses, I have read them all even if I've not personally replied.

I'm feeling very nervous today, I'm not at work now until next week so haven't done anything yet. I'm trying to get to grips with where my nervousness is coming from and what exactly it is that is causing me so much anxiety.

I've spoken to my mum about this and she's told me I'm making a "storm in a teacup" and that I need to stop making such a big deal out of something so small.

However, everyone's responses on here have shown me that this is not something small. The issue is, I certainly don't have this level of support in person so it's difficult to move forward. My partner is currently away and I don't want to tell him this over the phone, so will have a while before he is home.

Feeling a bit lost atm.

Your mum OP belongs to another generation that was taught women should be silent. Sexual abuse despite being rampant was not something “good girls” complained about so that “storm in a cup of tea” is good ol gaslighting from your mom. Now I understand your reluctance to speak up, because this is how you were raised. how you’ve survived so long in that predatory lad minefield that is your job with such a lack of boundaries intrigues me. One doesn’t survive, thrive and climb the corporate world by being “a good girl, shy non-confrontational females with no boundaries don’t last very long in those ‘cut throat environments’.

So how long did your mum work in the corporate world That she seem to know better than you?

Yes that's very true, I do have to remember that she is of a different generation and she is also a lot more confident than I am. She would have immediately told him to fuck off and would have thought no more of it, she's not a worrier like me.

She worked decades in a very high powered, male dominated career so I expect she is used to dealing with men like this. I'm not, because I've not worked in an environment like this before and it's still quite new to me so I'm still navigating it. I know all this and yet it doesn't provide me much comfort, unfortunately.

My rational mind is telling me that I've done nothing wrong, but everything else is screaming at me that I've encouraged this and ought to be ashamed of myself. Which I am.

Don't listen to your mum, she's wrong. You're welcome to keep posting here for support. I suggest you phone ACAS while you're off work so you know how to proceed once you're back.
https://www.acas.org.uk/contact

Thank you. I've found posting here to be a great comfort and I really do so appreciate all the support, I don't really feel as though I deserve it but I'm appreciative all the same.

Those of you who have taken the time to send some kindness to a complete stranger are absolutely lovely people, bit of faith in humanity restored here!

Your mum (with all my respects) seems to be quite ‘old school’, when sexual abuse happened (and it was rampant) women needed to keep silent (maybe tell the guy to fuck of in private but that’s it). Good girls don’t complain about sexual abuse, they just deal with it in silence.

And this is why these predators have been able to get away with it for so many years, for exactly this same reason.

Yes I believe you're right. And she is very old school, in a way I wish I was because then I'd not be so worried about this!

In addition it was pretty commonplace and there weren't policies to stop it or if there were, they weren't followed. You'd be managed out for not fitting in with the culture or derided for being such a 'girl'.

Women also had to prove themselves, that they were just as good if not better than men and needed to keep quiet to climb the ladder. You often had to be one of the lads or you didn't stand a chance.

Not RTFT, but what you're doing here is exactly equivalent to a rape victim wondering if she provoked it by wearing a short skirt to the pub. This is not your fault. It's his fault, and the management's fault to allow this kind of laddish work culture where women feel coerced into tolerating shit behaviour.

Yes you're absolutely right, we have spoken at length about her career and the culture and this is exactly it!

You're right, I wouldn't dream of apportioning blame to someone who had been sexually assaulted so I wonder why I can't treat myself with the same kindness.

Never have been able to be very kind to myself, I'm tremendously hard on myself in all aspects of life and absolutely whip the shit out of myself for any and all mistakes.

This really comes across in the way you respond here too. I'm not saying it to criticise, but I have noticed that you've agreeably nodded along to all responses regardless of content. Mumsnet loves that - you would have a much harder time here if you'd been arguing back or not seeming to take the advice - but remember you are not here to please us or anyone else. I am glad if my advice or anyone else's has helped you - I truly hope you benefit from the good advice in this thread - and I think it's great that you are self-aware enough to recognise your tendency to be so hard on yourself. Something to explore regardless of dick pics. I wish you all the best.

Oh come on send the sleaze a
Please do not send me any further genital photos.
People like you need to realise he has done this what is he going to do next?
Some women fight to prevent this shit in the workplace happening, you do not want to be seen to not be one of the group...oh please.
If he touches you or inflicts this on some other woman is that ok?
Sick twisted workplace.
Hope you like your job and it is worth the degrading bs.
1980s?

Im older so probably more you mums age and sadly there was a culture that women should put up and shut up if they wanted to keep their jobs

I’ve worked in investment banking all my life and the 80’s and 90’s were another world compared to now. It was very much a lads culture and women were treated like fluffy little air heads

Thankfully the world has moved on and that shit is no longer acceptable

Tbh I was expecting far more scalding responses that I've received, I've been pleasantly surprised that I've not really had to defend my own honour, so to speak.

That said, I am aware that I have a tendency to 'be agreeable' and toe the line, even when I know it's not right. So I'm going to make a conscious effort to work on that going forward and instil some strength of character in myself that has been lacking!

Have you considered that by reporting this you may be doing the other women a favour, too? It’s possible that this evidence of his behaviour will be a gift to management in dealing with him, as they already have him sussed, but he’s been playing the ‘banter’ card.
I was in a similar position early career and spoke out, and the sleaze was fired. Several people thanked me, from colleagues to a senior manager.

ByChicCat I am exactly like you and have ended up by giving men the wrong impression in the past by mirroring their behaviour. Then afterwards I've been so mad at myself. Could you tell him that your partner saw the pic a dis furious? It may shut him up for good.

Could you ask around other women at work whether anyone else has received one? Because this may not be the first time he's done this and if you make a joint complaint to HR you may be more likely to get something done. Or you may find he is not the only guy doing this in which case the workplace culture needs changing.

Don’t do this, as it could be interpreted as you stirring up trouble (I know that wouldn’t be true, but don’t give him a chnace to make that argument to deflect).
if you report your experience either through your anonymous reporting channel or via your company’s Grievance process, a full investigation may unearth other incidents.

@SamW98 I also worked in banking in the 80s. I worked in the securities dept of Barclays Bank in one of their large main branches, working in an almost completely male environment. The treatment the few women received from the majority of the men was disgusting and made my life a total misery. Management just weren't interested when I tried to complain, in fact, the Office Manager was one of the worst culprits, as he was having an affair with a young junior. I am appalled to think this type of behaviour is still happening in workplaces today. I can easily understand, through trying to "keep the peace" how OP has ended up in this situation but the blame for all of this lies entirely with this vile man and he should be reported immediately.

God I must be getting very very old if dick pics are considered “normal” or “no big deal”

Sorry op but with respect your mum is wrong on this one.

Personally I wouldn’t involve police but I would reply as per *Happinessgame *
and take it to HR.

And you’ve nothing to feel guilty about. I hope this doesn’t sound patronising but it’s natural to want to fit in with the group culture (“laddish” in this instance) when you are young and speaking out is hard.

Many of us older women used to nod and smile along, or even join in, with things we didn’t necessarily agree with when we were younger, especially in the slightly more tense atmosphere of the office. It’s not as easy as speaking up among friends. It sometimes takes decades to build up the confidence to do it and only now, with grey hair, am I confident enough to do so.

That is why grey haired women are labelled as “difficult” and with the misogynistic term “ a Karen” because we won’t put up with the nonsense any more.

I am sorry you are having such a stressful time and I hope those you report it to are supportive, including your dh if you decide to tell him (sorry haven’t t rtft). Most decent men would be supportive hopefully.

Edited to say: Hopefully, more and more younger women now do feel confident and brave enough to speak up but look at what happened to Amanda Abbington (sp ???) the Sherlock actress. Our current sexist culture is not very encouraging of whistleblowing is it?