Colleague dick pic

[ByChicCat]

Eurgh, I am feeling just rotten tonight. Absolutely wracked with anxiety and misery.

A male colleague, whom I would consider a mate, has sent me some dick pics and I'm feeling horribly guilty about it? I didn't ask for these photos, I don't feel as if I have intimated that I ever wanted them but after he'd sent them I didn't set a clear boundary and it's left me feeling like I'm the one at fault for trying to handle it with a bit of deftness.

The office culture where we work is very 'lads chat' and so sexual banter is commonplace, he's also very flirty in his chitchat with all us women and we just play along as that's his character. There's no explicit stuff, it's more just wink-and-a-nudge innuendo level. I am not interested in him in any way, shape or form but I do have a tendency to 'mirror' people when I communicate with them and so I never felt uncomfortable with his being a flirty person.

Basically, I didn't want to make things awkward by being like "this is inappropriate" when he sent them, so I matched the flirty tone of his messages but in one word answers to try and close it down without any unpleasantness and to save his ego. Big mistake, I realise.

That obviously didn't work so in the end I went for the 'let's have a laugh about this' approach and said "you're not getting anything back from me 😂" because he was asking for some. Eventually he did stop asking, but he kept mentioning what he'd sent me and now I just feel dirty. I feel as though because I've allowed the (what I believed was harmless) flirty chit chat to happen in person, that I've essentially signed away any right to be miffed by this.

I have a partner whom I adore and this has left me feeling as though I've cheated on him! Receiving a photo of someone else's genitals just feels like...cheating, I can't find another word to explain how I feel! Even though they were sent without my being asked. There was also no conversation prior to them being sent, we weren't messaging or anything, he just sent them.

My partner, for what it's worth, knows what he's like because I've been very open and honest about this chap and his role as the office get around. I just didn't expect him to escalate things like this with me? Knowing I have a partner.

I don't really know why I'm posting here, I'd just like to stop feeling guilty about this because I know, deep down, this isn't my fault. I just feel at least partly to blame by not making it immediately clear how much I didn't want them, which I worry could now be construed as me having felt fine to have received them.

What a dirtbag. It’s a perfectly normal female response to feel guilty. Don’t feel bad about that. But it’s not you, it’s him!

No, it hasn't. I would message him and say that he has made you really uncomfortable by sending these unsolicited pics and that you realise that you have had a friendly working relationship with cheeky banter but this has seriously overstepped the mark. If he says anything about your previous responses, tell him that you were hoping to avoid any sort of confrontation which would make your working relationship difficult but actually, having given it some thought, you feel it's better to be up front about how inappropriate his behaviour is. Men like this rely on women not making a fuss because we are conditioned to keep the peace. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Do not feel bad about appeasing. It's what people do when they're scared.

I'm assuming a good relationship with DH, do tell him about what's been happening. Then tell HR and threaten to go to the police. That should stop it.

Report to HR and maybe police. Do not forward the photos. If they need to investigate you can show them from your phone but forwarding would be an offence too I believe. You should not feel guilty or responsible, you have done nothing wrong.

Someone at my work did this years ago along with many other things and it was part of the investigation to dismiss him for sexual harassment. He too was very flirty and friendly and always covered it by saying it was banter. Sending sexually explicit pictures between consenting adults isn't illegal, but sending unsolicited images or cyber flashing is a criminal offence. Just because you didn't immediately respond in shock or disgust, doesn't mean it wasn't unsolicited. Same way in real life victims can respond in a way they would never think they would - turn it into a joke or be quiet etc...it's quite uncommon to call them up on it straight away which is why so many women don't report it because they start believing they were somehow to blame for it. I too responded in a similar way and realised I was being totally gaslighted by this person and when many other women spoke up they said exactly the same thing. Do you have some kind of anonymous report line at work for this if you don't feel comfortable giving your name to HR?

And take care 💐

This is what I think. You need to clarify your real response because the one you gave doesn’t make it clear. That’s not victim-shaming; it’s facing facts.

Thank you for sharing your experience too, that's very helpful and has provided some reassurance that my response wasn't completely unnatural.

Yes we do have an anonymous reporting line actually, you have just reminded me of its existence!

You didn't invite this at all, there's a world of difference between banter and an unsolicited dick pic. Your response is understandable too, he's supposed to be a friend and your instinct was to gloss over it.

I agree you should report it at work.

You may also want to message him tomorrow and tell him he caught you completely off guard and that you didn't know how to react, that he shouldn't have sent the picture, and you will be keeping your distance now that he has harassed you like this. That allows you to take back some control and means he can't pretend he thinks you liked it.

Thank you!

The horse has not bolted. Is absolutely fine to assert yourself now and set up a boundary with this guy. He sent you the unsolicited pics, he crossed the line. This is in no way your fault. No amount of banter or friendly flirting can justify his behaviour. He was taking a huge risk sending you photos and you shouldn’t feel responsible for his reckless conduct.

Tell your husband. Explain in the same way you have in your post and decide together how to handle it. Whether to report it or not. And what to say to this guy. You feel guilty - the only way to get rid of that feeling will be to tell your husband. You’ll feel so much better after. Even if he is a bit miffed that you didn’t shut this guy down straight away - he should appreciate your honest and can support you with how you handle it from now.

If you aren’t going to report him I would send him a message saying “I have deleted your photos. They made me and my husband very uncomfortable. If you send me anything inappropriate again, I will report it.”

Personally, I think you should report him. It sounds like the ‘culture’ in your office needs to be changed.

Thank you, I think I will do that. I'll spend some time composing a message that I am more comfortable with. I'm mortified at my initial responses and it provides added anxiety that if he were to share this with others at work, I'd come off looking the tart and not him 🙄

Personally, I would message him back now. I would not give him any leeway in case he does have plans to share your conversation with other people. This is why you need to tell your partner about this immediately.

I do wonder how the claims of acting in a coquettish manner being appropriate to appease someone who sent you photos of their genitalia would wash if the genders were reversed. Imagine a woman finding such message on her DH's phone- would she believe him if he claimed he was merely appeasing the sender, even if historic message seem to indicate a consistent fairly reciprocated flirtatious tone?

I think you should. I know it’s embarrassing and I know it doesn’t look good but keeping it secret and then it perhaps coming out later will look worse.

“Apologies for my silly response yesterday but I was quite shocked and didn’t know how to respond. I’ve shared these conversation with my husband and we think it’s completely innapropiate. Do not send things like this again”, then report.

It’s not too late, text him ‘ in all seriousness though please don’t send me dick picks’

And that’s why something firmer now that you aren’t still reeling from it is necessary,

He flashed you. That's shocking and you were in shock. This is sexually predatory behaviour and he will be doing this kind of thing to others and escalating. This isn't him being "flirty" or "the office get around", this is not the actions of a normal person towards a colleague. Even if you actually had been flirting with him and if he genuinely thought you fancied him, the facts that you are his colleague and you have a partner mean that he knowingly and intentionally crossed a line by (let me repeat) flashing you. This is how predators behave.

Sorry for the lecture - I say all this because I think you really need to feel empowered to feel outrage and to take action. He sounds like Harvey bloody Weinstein - who does this stuff?!

Don't do this. Forwarding is illegal too.

Oh a bloke doing what op has done would get ripped apart and accused of cheating and lying.

it’s not quite the same though. Unsolicited dick pics can be scary and intimidating. Unsolicited pics from a woman to a man might be unwelcome but don’t carry the same threat.

im the first to call out double standards on mumsnet and I do think the “I didn’t know what to say” defence would get short shrift from a bloke though.

I've never messaged this person before except to discuss work, this was completely out of the blue in terms of taking a conversation to private messages and very out of character of him.

If someone you knew was sexually assaulted and felt they had "encouraged " it by wearing a short skirt you wouldn't agree with them would you? I think this is the digital equivalent.

Having a joke with someone doesn't give them the right to send you these images.

Don't feel guilty by your reaction. That's panic and self preservation kicking in.

I would send him a message saying you don't want those images ever again as it crossed the line and they were not wanted. If you don't want to, you don't have to report it or use stronger language directly to him than that. Whatever you feel comfortable doing is fine. You might feel you have asserted your boundary enough though for your own comfort? If you don't feel safe to do so, then that is fine too. Don't take on what should be his embarrassment and guilt.

I would tell your partner though.

Thank you, that's a good message!

I think there's two separate things.

Flirting with someone - even as 'banter', even as 'mirroring' is not ok when you're in a relationship.You should feel guilty about that and your partner would have every right to be really pissed off with you.

But that doesn't make it ok for this man to randomly show you his grubby little willy. Urgh. It's flashing and it's a crime. You don't need to feel guilty about that. Even though you've been inappropriate with him, you didn't invite or cause this. He did.