Colleague dick pic

[ByChicCat]

Eurgh, I am feeling just rotten tonight. Absolutely wracked with anxiety and misery.

A male colleague, whom I would consider a mate, has sent me some dick pics and I'm feeling horribly guilty about it? I didn't ask for these photos, I don't feel as if I have intimated that I ever wanted them but after he'd sent them I didn't set a clear boundary and it's left me feeling like I'm the one at fault for trying to handle it with a bit of deftness.

The office culture where we work is very 'lads chat' and so sexual banter is commonplace, he's also very flirty in his chitchat with all us women and we just play along as that's his character. There's no explicit stuff, it's more just wink-and-a-nudge innuendo level. I am not interested in him in any way, shape or form but I do have a tendency to 'mirror' people when I communicate with them and so I never felt uncomfortable with his being a flirty person.

Basically, I didn't want to make things awkward by being like "this is inappropriate" when he sent them, so I matched the flirty tone of his messages but in one word answers to try and close it down without any unpleasantness and to save his ego. Big mistake, I realise.

That obviously didn't work so in the end I went for the 'let's have a laugh about this' approach and said "you're not getting anything back from me 😂" because he was asking for some. Eventually he did stop asking, but he kept mentioning what he'd sent me and now I just feel dirty. I feel as though because I've allowed the (what I believed was harmless) flirty chit chat to happen in person, that I've essentially signed away any right to be miffed by this.

I have a partner whom I adore and this has left me feeling as though I've cheated on him! Receiving a photo of someone else's genitals just feels like...cheating, I can't find another word to explain how I feel! Even though they were sent without my being asked. There was also no conversation prior to them being sent, we weren't messaging or anything, he just sent them.

My partner, for what it's worth, knows what he's like because I've been very open and honest about this chap and his role as the office get around. I just didn't expect him to escalate things like this with me? Knowing I have a partner.

I don't really know why I'm posting here, I'd just like to stop feeling guilty about this because I know, deep down, this isn't my fault. I just feel at least partly to blame by not making it immediately clear how much I didn't want them, which I worry could now be construed as me having felt fine to have received them.

Men like this guy shouldn't be humoured or excused in the workplace.
Oh that's what Steve's like.
No the Steve's of the world needs telling from the start about any inappropriate behaviour.

I prefer @Strangerthanfictions message OP.

One of the other ones you liked includes an apology (you have nothing to apologise for), and seems to imply that the reason the picture was bad is because your husband didn't like it.

The reason the picture was bad is because it was sexual harassment.

Good luck.

I'd sue them, get a pay out n stop the misogyny on the way out. Horrible op. It is illegal what that man has done. No different to exposing ones self in an alley or bushes jn park really. Online is real life.

There’s always one 🙄

Of course it’s a big fucking deal. It’s a criminal offence so send an unsolicited dick pic. The vast majority of women would be horrified - if you want to brush it off crack on but don’t act like it’s a normal every day situation women should just accept

Although nothing like as serious as what happened to you, I once had a, more senior, colleague behave inappropriately to me. I acted immediately to him, then reported it, and my reaction to my boss. It escalated behind the scenes, and although I never said anything to anyone other then my boss and the HR director, word for around and several younger women at work admitted he had done the same to them.
I felt like I gave them a voice. Please report it, who knows how far the creep might push it in the future (or indeed, the past).

As all pas have said he's out of order and if you don't report him you need to threaten you will.

The recommended practice against school bullies is a kind of 3 strikes you're out: 1-tell them, 2-warn them if they don't stop you'll repor, 3-report. It sounds like you've done step 1. Next time, step 2.

The conversation among us men about dickpics is "learn to sexualise the chat". If a man talks to you about the weather (or sticks to the local laddish culture...) for ages, and then suddenly sends those, he needs to learn ways to shift the chat into another gear earlier instead. If you want to tell him something positive, that's useful advice to give him for his next sex interest.

Ah, and: no means no means next.

Also that you are worried boss will support him. Don't let horrible men like this win. I had to do si ilar in a misogynistic workplace. Was hard but I did the right thing, now they are gone the workplace is a lot better.

Why do people think its EVER OK to send a picture of their dicks, tits, vag? Who tf wants to see these things? No one.

id delete the messages. Send him a message to say thats not ok and do not send anything else unless its work related. If it continues, just block him

The conversation among us men about dickpics is "learn to sexualise the chat". If a man talks to you about the weather (or sticks to the local laddish culture...) for ages, and then suddenly sends those, he needs to learn ways to shift the chat into another gear earlier instead. If you want to tell him something positive, that's useful advice to give him for his next sex interest.

Why do you think trying to shift a chat into a sexualised gear is a good way to attract a partner? How about simply asking the woman on a date? If she fancies you, she'll say yes; if she doesn't, she'll decline. You can then see if your mutual expectations are a good fit in a sensible, mature way - if you both want no-strings fun, or if you're seeking a relationship.

Women are not going to be beguiled by attempts to turn a chat about the weather into something sexual, however gradual. It might work if she is already interested but there's a high chance, even then, that she'll write you off as a sleaze.

Absolutely this. I can’t speak for anyone outside my own friends but without exception the minute a bloke starts to turn an innocuous friendly chat into sex talk, we’re out!

I don’t think this is a good response OP - it somehow suggests that you only decided it was inappropriate through speaking to your husband. Stand your ground and make sure this man knows how violating you say (not “think”) this is, regardless of partner.

Just to warn the man then could feel humiliated and so something to backlash, but you’ll feel best I reckon if you stand your ground in all accounts

The best possible responses found to to receiving unwanted dick pics is to reply " why on earth have you sent me a photo of a toddlers penis you absolute pedo?" Or " Christ, what is that? I can't make it out? Have you had an accident of some sort as that looks like a car crash trauma . I had no idea you were struggling with deformity. "

Dirty fucking perves. Invading inboxes with their unwanted genitals like they are delivering a special gift. Just fuck off dave, it looks like a shelled prawn and probably smells like it's been left out in the sun too long. Bleurgh!

I think you should say something like “I wanted to follow up on this. My initial reply was shock and I didn’t know what to say. However, now I have processed I want to be clear that it is inappropriate and in fact a violation for you, or anyone, to send unsolicited “dick pics”. Never do that again, to me or anyone. There is a clear line to work banter and you have fundamentally crossed it.”

Don't respond to him any further. You've done the right thing stopping any chat. Now block his number.

This is all on him, including if he loses his job. It's important that you do report this at work, and you can go to a different manager if you're not comfortable with your line manager.

You have the right to work without fear of sexual harassment or harm. Your employer will have policies around dignity at work. Don't let this disgusting man take away the job you love. Do something about it.

Only don’t include the apology.

Be sharp and to the point. But the longer you leave it to send it, the more it looks like hindsight not your real response so wriggle on op.

I get that this isn’t pleasant but those of us saying your response wasn’t adequate are not victim-shaming ; we are victim-protecting.

I realise you didn’t want it, I don’t blame you, but I want to warn you that at this stage the response you sent looks more like you were bantering along - and that’s what’s in writing, whatever was in your mind.

You've had some great responses and support here, OP.

Christ, what sort of man would send a dick pic to a cleeague? (Its a rhetorical question - I know the answer) but seriously? It's bad enough on dating apps but someone you work with!

In your shoes, I'd tell my partner. For a couple of reasons. Firstly, I know he wouldn't blame me and would be some real life support. You say your partner is supportive and only wants the best for you so i assume he'd be similar? And, secondly, your reactions to sexual assault (which is what this was) come in waves. At the moment you feel guilty (misplaced but understandable). You don't know how you will feel in a day/week/month or so. You might really need him for support.

Also, and I know it's already been said, but you were in no way responsible for this. If you'd gone out and met a man in a bar, looked attractive, chatted, flirted would that give him the right to sexually assault you? Of course it wouldn't. Would it make it understandable that he thought that behaviour might be appropriate? Or desired? No.

This is no different.

Oh and I agree, don't include the apology. You have nothing to apologise for. Certainly not for how you respond to someome who's sexually assaulted you!

Noooooooo this is NOT normal. I’ve worked closely with male colleagues for 26 years and no one ever sent anything like this. It’s gross misconduct in pretty much any workplace. This should absolutely not be normalised, it’s revolting.

Sending a dick to a colleague is NOT normal.

I agree with you.

To the op - this is an actual sex crime. That’s why you’re having so many unexpected feelings.

I would report this to the police. It is not ok.

Better. But I personally wouldn’t send. I would go straight to police.

It is a big deal.

it is also a crime.

Definitely don’t do this, by sharing and sending on yourself you are committing a crime!
you should show them to HR. And today.

Jesus Christ, which victim ever behaves “impeccably”?

You: responds to flirty banter in an office which you know makes you uncomfortable, but has spent a lifetime as a woman being told to fit in and make others comfortable

Him: commits an actual crime against you with digital flashing

Some MNers: Well, you’re as bad as each other really

Really, OP, please report him both to work and to the police. He doesn’t deserve to get away with this and other women don’t deserve to have it happen to them too. x

He should get fired as it's gross misconduct as well as a crime and management needs to come down like a tonne of bricks on this 'banter'.