Colleague dick pic

[ByChicCat]

Eurgh, I am feeling just rotten tonight. Absolutely wracked with anxiety and misery.

A male colleague, whom I would consider a mate, has sent me some dick pics and I'm feeling horribly guilty about it? I didn't ask for these photos, I don't feel as if I have intimated that I ever wanted them but after he'd sent them I didn't set a clear boundary and it's left me feeling like I'm the one at fault for trying to handle it with a bit of deftness.

The office culture where we work is very 'lads chat' and so sexual banter is commonplace, he's also very flirty in his chitchat with all us women and we just play along as that's his character. There's no explicit stuff, it's more just wink-and-a-nudge innuendo level. I am not interested in him in any way, shape or form but I do have a tendency to 'mirror' people when I communicate with them and so I never felt uncomfortable with his being a flirty person.

Basically, I didn't want to make things awkward by being like "this is inappropriate" when he sent them, so I matched the flirty tone of his messages but in one word answers to try and close it down without any unpleasantness and to save his ego. Big mistake, I realise.

That obviously didn't work so in the end I went for the 'let's have a laugh about this' approach and said "you're not getting anything back from me 😂" because he was asking for some. Eventually he did stop asking, but he kept mentioning what he'd sent me and now I just feel dirty. I feel as though because I've allowed the (what I believed was harmless) flirty chit chat to happen in person, that I've essentially signed away any right to be miffed by this.

I have a partner whom I adore and this has left me feeling as though I've cheated on him! Receiving a photo of someone else's genitals just feels like...cheating, I can't find another word to explain how I feel! Even though they were sent without my being asked. There was also no conversation prior to them being sent, we weren't messaging or anything, he just sent them.

My partner, for what it's worth, knows what he's like because I've been very open and honest about this chap and his role as the office get around. I just didn't expect him to escalate things like this with me? Knowing I have a partner.

I don't really know why I'm posting here, I'd just like to stop feeling guilty about this because I know, deep down, this isn't my fault. I just feel at least partly to blame by not making it immediately clear how much I didn't want them, which I worry could now be construed as me having felt fine to have received them.

No, he’s acted like a flasher, just digitally. You’ve done nothing wrong. Forward the pics to the boss.

It's not your fault, at all. You should report him, absolute creep.

Stop him now. Just plain tell him you are not flattered and find these inappropriate and offensive. Please tell your partner asap.

Definitely crossed the line. It's asserting his authority over you rather than flirting. Your partner would be livid I imagine. Get him reported and sacked. Sounds like a complete shite place to work.

I don't know, I can't help but feel complicit because of engaging with his flirtatiousness in person. Obviously have never felt weird about that until today, now I'm thinking back on every innuendo and vaguely sexual conversation (usually as part of a group, I might add) and thinking 'yep, you've done this to yourself, idiot!'

I don't understand how, if you were genuinely as disgusted as you so eloquently describe, you'd respond to an unsolicited dick pic with: "you're not getting anything back from me 😂" .

Also isn't sending of such photos unsolicited a crime in the UK now? I'm pretty sure someone has been jailed for doing this.

It's not your fault that he sent those pictures, however you really need to work on your boundaries, because they are nearly non-existent. I can't imagine you'd be very happy if your partner "mirrored" flirty behaviour with another woman. Report this creep and you may need to consider telling your partner before he finds out from someone else.

Nah, lots of office places have cheeky banter at times but sending a dick pic is going waaaaay to far. You didnt invite it and although you didnt immediately tell him what the f**k, it's still not right.

As for your partner, I imagine he'd be mortified and he likely will find out if he knows of this guy.

Because I wanted to try and keep it light, instead of turning it into an uncomfortable, serious conversation. I realise now that this was not the way to go and I do wish I'd taken a firm and no-nonsense approach, but that horse has unfortunately bolted.

Cyber flashing is illegal and you'd be within your rights to take the photos to the police. I'm fuming at the so called banter in your office. It is not acceptable and it needs to be shut down.

I would contact your union or call ACAS for advice then go to HR and try and get this sorted out. I would not continue working there if it wasn't stopped and would start looking for another job.

At work you should be treated with professionalism and respect.

Yuck I’m sorry you experienced this. What a dick. Literally. I don’t think you can raise this without telling your husband who may not understand that you didn’t want to offend. Yes work on your boundaries for the future but right now block and delete.

That's not a good response from you OP although I understand you felt under pressure to make light of it. I think this is the way to go. Speak with your manager and explain that you were caught off guard and didn't feel strong enough to express your disgust. Ask the manager to speak with him so that he doesn't keep doing this to women in the workplace. It's sexual harassment.

I agree. I think that response was way underbaked. When did he actually send them because personally I’d follow up and make it clear you didn’t appreciate it and that you were so embarrassed you didn’t know how to redline. You need to be clear. Your response tbh sounded coquettish - as if you wanted him to beg. I think you know this deep down and it’s why you feel guilty . Also, if you really, really don’t fancy someone, mirroring flirty behaviour isn’t that easy.

Are you going to share any of this with your partner or will you keep it a secret (as you acknowledge it won’t look good)?

Not a clue, I've not got my head around that bit yet. I've been thinking of looking for employment elsewhere anyway so may just find a new job as I'm not entirely sure I like the culture at my current place anyway.

There’s victim blaming going on here, it’s not good. The OP knows she could have responded differently but it’s not unusual to be completely taken aback and get it wrong. How was she to know how he would react if she had been honest?

Thank you, that's very kind of you to say. I do feel tremendously daft!

Freezing and fawning are common reactions to threats. You've done nothing wrong, most people wouldn't know how to react. In future nip any sexual banter in the bud.

Yes, I certainly will do! Lesson learned the hard way here.

You can still report this even though you responded like that. The laughing face emoji is disappointing but I know many women appease inappropriate men just to avoid escalation or aggression. You were flustered and shocked and didn’t quite know how to handle it. That’s understandable.

This is disturbing behaviour, especially from a colleague, and it’s upsetting. That’s enough to make it a police issue with HR copied in. Women shouldn’t have to put up with this. I can’t fathom why men think anyone wants to see their grim genitalia.

In future just remember you don’t have to laugh or go along with boorish peurile men or put up with ‘sexualised banter’.

You've hit the nail on the head here, I did appease him. I think this is why I feel so guilty 😞

I’ve found some of the responses unreasonably harsh regarding your response. You’d think people would be more understanding nowadays, the information is out there! We don’t know how we’d act in traumatic or upsetting situations. Many people react to sexual harassment with a “survival mentality” I.e. your brain just says do what you need to do to get out alive/not rock the boat. It’s so understandable to fear upsetting the perpetrator. You haven’t asked for this at all.

I do think you need to talk to your partner about it sooner rather than later. You shouldn’t have to grapple with this alone.

It's a crime, tell your partner, boss and police.

I understand the crap office 'banter' and your first instinct in that moment to de-escalate this with him in the way you did, it's how we're socialised.

However this was not OK, you didn't ask for this, and this shame is not yours to bear, honestly.

Screen shot the whole conversation (pics included) and go to HR or management. Try to find out what f he’s doing this to other colleagues before going to HR, band together with more colleagues. This creep needs to get fired. Sending unsolicited dick pics is considered a crime by law now.

Your workplace sounds vile, your colleague more vile still - this kind of toxic environment with 'lads banter' or whatever minimising name you wish to give it, has absolutely no place in 2024.

He should have been 'shut down' long ago (and I apportion no blame to you here OP) - the fact that he hasn't gives him a green light to carry on acting like a complete sleeze. I would not hesitate to go straight to HR or, possibly even report it as a police matter. You owe him nothing and the only way to stop disgusting, sexually intimidating behaviour like this is for him, and those of his ilk, to face direct consequences for their actions. If he were to be dismisssed, as I hope he would be, whose fault is it but hiis own?