Colleague dick pic

[ByChicCat]

Eurgh, I am feeling just rotten tonight. Absolutely wracked with anxiety and misery.

A male colleague, whom I would consider a mate, has sent me some dick pics and I'm feeling horribly guilty about it? I didn't ask for these photos, I don't feel as if I have intimated that I ever wanted them but after he'd sent them I didn't set a clear boundary and it's left me feeling like I'm the one at fault for trying to handle it with a bit of deftness.

The office culture where we work is very 'lads chat' and so sexual banter is commonplace, he's also very flirty in his chitchat with all us women and we just play along as that's his character. There's no explicit stuff, it's more just wink-and-a-nudge innuendo level. I am not interested in him in any way, shape or form but I do have a tendency to 'mirror' people when I communicate with them and so I never felt uncomfortable with his being a flirty person.

Basically, I didn't want to make things awkward by being like "this is inappropriate" when he sent them, so I matched the flirty tone of his messages but in one word answers to try and close it down without any unpleasantness and to save his ego. Big mistake, I realise.

That obviously didn't work so in the end I went for the 'let's have a laugh about this' approach and said "you're not getting anything back from me 😂" because he was asking for some. Eventually he did stop asking, but he kept mentioning what he'd sent me and now I just feel dirty. I feel as though because I've allowed the (what I believed was harmless) flirty chit chat to happen in person, that I've essentially signed away any right to be miffed by this.

I have a partner whom I adore and this has left me feeling as though I've cheated on him! Receiving a photo of someone else's genitals just feels like...cheating, I can't find another word to explain how I feel! Even though they were sent without my being asked. There was also no conversation prior to them being sent, we weren't messaging or anything, he just sent them.

My partner, for what it's worth, knows what he's like because I've been very open and honest about this chap and his role as the office get around. I just didn't expect him to escalate things like this with me? Knowing I have a partner.

I don't really know why I'm posting here, I'd just like to stop feeling guilty about this because I know, deep down, this isn't my fault. I just feel at least partly to blame by not making it immediately clear how much I didn't want them, which I worry could now be construed as me having felt fine to have received them.

Oh yuck, how unpleasant. OP, you're not to blame at all. Your colleague has crossed a line here. A bit of silly flirting at work, while admittedly unprofessional, does not give someone the right to send you unsolicited intimate pictures.

Do you want to report it? I've worked somewhere like you describe and while I haven't ever received a dick pic (thank god) I've experienced some frankly quite filthy banter. I used to tell them straight out it's inappropriate but rightly or wrongly I never reported it. Thinking about it though, if it went as far as dick pics I would probably feel obliged to report as that's going too far. I can completely understand why you didn't shut him down immediately; when it's a mate doing this it's kind of hard to believe that they would push the boundaries too far and you do end up worrying that you might have encouraged them.

I would, however, tell your partner. I always told mine about the banter. If this happened to me I'd tell him, probably even show him the evidence. I'm quite sure he'd encourage me to report.

I don't work there anymore, btw. Glad to be out of it.

You can't reverse the sexes here. Men haven't been victims of sexual harassment and assault by people more powerful than themselves for centuries. They don't see women as a threat in the same way and tend to react differently.

When threatened, people react in one of four ways flee, fawn, freeze, fight. The OP fawned ie tried to appease him to lessen the threat. She now regrets it but that was her knee jerk reaction to something unexpected and shocking.

Thank you, that's provided a new perspective that I'd not considered! I appreciate it.

Stop don't message him, block and report.

It's not too late to create a boundary.

If he texts anything else, at all, or tries to continue banter at work just say

'look, I tried to brush off the pic as I was shocked but if you do that again I will need to get back up. So back off'
big smile - walk away.

Thank you, I appreciate your response. I did provide a firmer response a little later, but he then continued to discuss it in a flirty manner and so I've ignored all further messages to this point.

Thank you for this, it's helpful to be reminded that 'fawning' is a thing. I'd heard of this some time ago but had not considered that this was what was happening.

Thank you for your response. I'm not sure if I want to report it, if I'm honest I'd like to go back to work and it all be forgotten. And put this down to a lesson learned!

However, I do worry that he will be spreading this around the office and I'm not sure how I'd cope with that. It would make me persona-non-grata, of that I'm certain. He's very popular.

My other half doesn't know any of my colleagues and our paths never cross, so I'm not concerned about him hearing about it from anyone else. Still, perhaps best I mention it to him.

For what it's worth OP, and as a follow up to my earlier post, only a few weeks ago a work colleague used a racially abusive word, just in general conversation, and I, who don't usually

This is the equivalent of going up to the mail room bumping into Peter from accounting, him unexpectedly flashing you then continue flirting with you for the rest of the day because he thinks “you liked it”. This is rapey behaviour, sexual harassment and you really need to report this creep because you’re probably not the only woman he’s doing this to.

I'd be interested to know what the rest of your reply said, but it seems to have been cut off?

Thank you for sharing your experience too, that's very helpful and has provided some reassurance that my response wasn't completely unnatural.

@ByChicCat more than glad to share. I just wanted to say (and I am conscious not to give you advice solely based on my experience so it might not be correct for you), if you're going to message him telling him it wasn't ok, then you must report this at the same time. Don't leave a gap where he could act in his defense first with the organisation because he will start to feel threatened and defensive. Reason I say is because I shut him down a few times without reporting him or before anyone had and he turned quite nasty and then just found another woman to do it to. I found out later he acted the same to many other women who shut him down before he was reported but he always made them feel 'scared' to report him when they told him to stop. I would report him when he's off guard. You might not agree and again it's hard for me to give advice without basing it on my own experience.

Because lots of people don't know how to react when confronted with pictures like this!

Just as people don't know how to react when someone flashes them or sexually assaults them.

Sometimes you say or do things to appease them in the moment in the hope that it won't happen again.

Sometimes you say or do things and hope that it's just you imagining that it's an issue, or maybe it's you that's the problem.

Maybe you don't want to be called a Karen.

And then, when you're out of the moment or had a while to digest what happened and you're actually thinking more clearly it feels like it's too late and you should have said/done something sooner.

This! It's not the OPs fault. So easy to say you should have done this or that.

That's very useful information, much appreciated. I'll certainly consider this when I've had a sleep and figured out how I'd like to move forward!

There is only one acceptable reason for being sent a dick pic and that is when you have specifically "asked someone for a dick pic"

Never in all of my 48 years of life have I sent a spontaneous picture of my flaps and also never have I been asked to share said image of flaps

This is not your fault

“Apologies for my silly response yesterday but I was quite shocked and didn’t know how to respond. I’ve shared these conversation with my husband and we think it’s completely inappropriate. Do not send things like this again”,

Don't apologise to him. "I was shocked by the photos you sent and didn't immediately know how to reply. You crossed a line and it was completely inappropriate. Do not send things like this again. I've shared these messages with my husband and he agrees with me."

Yes, do share this conversation with your trusted partner and discuss with him the best way to proceed (assuming he’s the supportive type).

This is exactly how I'm feeling now. I felt a bit "uh oh, what's this" when the messages came in and sort of eye rolled.

Then I felt anxious and guilty a few hours later. Now I just feel utterly broken and like I want to hand in my notice and run away.

Thank you. And thanks for the giggle, too!

But you have a partner? Why would you need to keep it light when not only has this person disrespected you but disrespected your partner also. I agree with comments that you need to work on your boundaries. You did nothing to welcome the pictures but you sure as shit didn’t shut him down

anxiety that if he were to share this with others at work, I'd come off looking the tart and not him

It is very common to feel a sense of shame, embarrassment or guilt in situations like this. Because his behaviour was so shocking, you feel he wouldn’t have acted this way without some kind of provocation. You start to question yourself rather than questioning ‘what kind of pillock would think this is appropriate.’

So what your initial response wasn’t a blunt ‘f*ck off!’ That doesn’t mean you somehow retroactively asked for it. REMEMBER: You have pictures of his genitalia on your phone. You have all the power here, not him. You can report him, not only to work but also to the police if you want to. His job is on the line. His reputation not yours! Any work environment where you are seen as the “tart” in this situation is a toxic one and you should not continue working there.

OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you and in a way I understand that you didn't want to make a big deal at first. You have been essentially groomed in your office environment to think this is just harmless lads banter when in reality we all know this is way beyond banter and more predatory. Hes made you feel like a silly school girl which is why he's felt comfortable sharing these pics. I understand. I've come from a background where complaining about any sort of abuse is thrown back at you for being dramatic. This isn't good. Please tell your boss. Don't feel bad about causing an issues. This is really gross and also illegal and he needs to be stopped. All the best xxx

100%

Thank you for your kind reply, it's much appreciated x