Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

OP, I am so sorry, handhold from me.

a lot of people have given you advice, not sure about some (scratching car etc) but others are brilliant. Please start by seeing a lawyer to understand your legal position.

I have a sense that it could be good to get him out (but check with lawyer) and I also think that pre-paying school uniform and child support etc would be great.

My advice would be:

try to see a lawyer today - but don’t tell him.

then (if getting money and kicking him out is the right thing to do)

> speak to him, access all your grief (you never loved anyone that much, you are broken, you have no idea how to manage financially and get him to transfer money for child support up until Christmas before leaving).
> pack his things over the weekend and drive up there with them, drop his things, pick up your DS (you are helping out, missed your DS and you really are too upset to see him). Be sad but strong in front of your parents, and talk about trying to do the right thing and staying strong.

hopefully that will leave you in a position you want (house and money) and you can revert to efficient co-parenting if possible and refuse to speak to him about anything not related to your child.

also, please treat yourself to something every day for getting through the day (a hot bath with bubbles, paint your nails, a new lipstick, a walk in nature, a good TV show).

Wait. What? Just read they’ve never even met???
But if he found her on TkTok which I thought was for kids btw then who else, what else has he been searching for.
He’s mad, completely batshit mad.
I feel like offering to come over and spit on him for you.

It's actually laughable. A five week online relationship on bloody Tik toc and he's leaving me and all we've built together.

Well, I doubt it will last, will it.

He'll want to come crawling back when he realises what he's lost and for nothing much at all.

Be strong, do what you need to, take professional advice, change the locks. You will survive and, with love and care so will your DS.

Best of luck.

What an absolute dickhead, OP. I'm so sorry, but you are well shot of him.

Move fast, get all your ducks in a row, buy him out of the house (lowball him as much as you dare) and focus on you and DS. By the time this thing is over (I give it a matter of weeks) you could have everything locked down just how you want it.

Do NOT do any of these.

Gosh I feel so sorry for you and the DC'S is there anyone who can give you specific advice on how to broach all of this with the DC'S (I'm thinking specifically about the adoptee here)?

Why should she have to spend her weekend doing that though? Better to tell him now that he needs to take all the stuff he's not going to need while serving out his notice at work up to his parents this weekend, and he needs to phone them to forewarn them that that's what he's doing. Also to forewarn them that DS may not be very happy, if he wants to go at all. Then when they come back he can take the rest of his stuff off to an AirBnB until he's served his notice out.

He’s leaving his wife, his child, his family home to move 300 miles away to be with a woman he hasn’t even met yet and that he has only been speaking to for 5 weeks. What a complete fucking idiot. It’s actually laughable if it wasn’t so devastating for you and your child. Please do not take this man back when his new relationship falls apart, he will come crawling back, please tell him to fuck off.

This. You should sit with DC and tell them together. He should take some responsibility.

This is awful. I'm so sorry.
I need to show this to my DD. She's just found out that her fiance has cheated on her. The wedding is in 3 weeks time but she's cancelled it. She's in bits. Everyone is stunned etc but better the pain now than in 10 years time etc. It appears that a leopard really doesn't change it's spots.
Stay strong and try and get him out of the house. xx

I haven’t read all the reponses but it seems to me you need to be really careful here OP.

He hasn’t actually met her so actually leaving may never transpire and that leaves you in limbo land with a cheating arsehole who you appear to be financially supporting!

I would be asking him to leave immediately. Telling your child so you have the whole summer to deal with this for their and your own sake.

I would also very much be getting my ducks in a row financially. Get copies of all paperwork put to one side. Any joint accounts should have half removed. Good that most your finances are separate.

And yes tell everyone and get all the support you need in person. I suspect he will try to come crawling back once he realises what he’s done and you need people around you to support through it.

Sending you love as this is just really shit!

Who owns the car? If you do, remove it from the property. I wouldn't be letting him swan off in it to meet the sort of woman who is prepared to move in another man with her children five weeks after she separates. Who knows if he delays she might have found another one if she has a few spare minutes to get online. I can't shake the feeling though it might a red haired chap with greying stubble called Boris.

Also I wouldn't take half of the joint account, I'd take what I contributed. Open a separate account for your salary that you keep separate from joint money. In fact you should check with your solicitor if you need two - one for the proceeds of the joint account and for your totally separate account for your salary.

I would tell your son sooner rather than later. Children can sense something is wrong and what they can imagine may be worse than the truth. He's going to notice your husband is not there for a start. I wouldn't sugarcoat so when your useless husband is back pleading to be part of your lives again your son is not fooled into wanting you to take him back. Good luck.

Well, no, very daft suggestions.

Move on, don't look back, be happy is the best revenge.

Go see a lawyer.
But not even this?

@Butwhybecause

That was the only sensible one on there.

Fuck me, this has made me feel murderous.

Time to get what mumsnet calls a SHL (shit hot lawyer). If he’s jacking in his current job to move 300 miles and become a carer, that’s not a very well paid position and you don’t want to end up paying him alimony!

If this tic toc woman is real…..what is she thinking??

No he hasn't. They've never met!

How does he know she's real? Could she be a catfish?

Ordinarily, I am someone who gives second chances, and have done so. He had his after his stag do.
This time round he is just embarrassing himself. I wouldn't want to be with someone who could end a marriage for someone they had never even met. It's pathetic. And I would definitely be telling as many friends and family as I could. Except his, as they will try to talk sense into him.

At some point soon, he will try to backtrack. He will try all the sob stories about mental health etc. And then he will get nasty once he realizes that there is no way back in. Use this time while he is loved up and thinks he is about to have unlimited sex to get all the financials sorted.

I am sorry this is happening.

I give it a month tops before he's on your doorstep crying.
Don't let him back

In my eyes, you are an absolute inspiration! You forgave him and tried to move on, but he is a vile man. You've got your beautiful daughter to focus on. You're being so pragmatic.

You need support though so please confide in a friend/family member. You've got nothing to be embarrassed about. He's the total dog.

Get copies of everything. All debts, investments, money etc. Take pictures/screenshots and email it to yourself.

You might have some free legal assistance available through your home insurance or maybe works employee assistance program.

You don't need to organise everything now but it sounds like being busy will help you.

I would tell your daughter so she has the summer to adjust. Poor girl. If you can, try and be as calm and emotionless as possible. Don't show how hurt/angry you are. She will soon realise what a pig her father is.

Sending you hugs and strength. Also book a holiday, if there's money in the joint account use it to take your daughter away for a few days. It's the least he pay pay for!

It's a son everybody!

Yes, that would be quite a twist in the tale. Fool.

@stomachcramps You have had some brilliant advice on here (and some a bit more iffy!)

Don’t know about other jobs and how things work but with teaching:

Make sure you protect your pension and change you death in service nominated person. A colleague of mine had issues when divorcing her ex as he tried to claim he was entitled to some of her pension. He didn’t get it but he tried it on.

Whilst it might be good that he’s thrown this at you now with it being his he school holidays so you have time to sort things out, make sure you look after yourself as this should be a well deserved break for you after a long year. Don’t run yourself in to the ground or you’ll be shattered before the new year starts.

I sincerely hope you and your DS are ok. Sending positive vibes from a fellow teacher who has been there and got the t shirt (and is a million times happier)

The is loads of good advice on here but a bit of not so good advice. You must remain the better person and however much you want to, don't vandalise any of his belongings. You have to be a decent human being for your son, because as far as your husband is concerned that ship has sailed.

Get him out of your home quickly with only things that are 100% his. Clothes, toiletries etc. but nothing else. To allow things to drag on will only make the trauma worse. It's a shitty situation of his making so he doesn't get to dictate terms.

I find it hard to believe that a 40 something "grown" man can behave like this. It sounds like the behaviour of a 14 year old. Do adults actually watch/do tictok? In a month or two, when the gloss has worn off, and he tries to come crawling back to you, remember how you feel now. Write down your feelings, the hurt and betrayal and the effect it has on your son. If he can do this once, don't give him the opportunity to do it again.

You are obviously a strong woman and have all the advantages in this situation so don't give him an inch and if he starts crying again just leave the room. You've already wasted 10 years of your life on this loser so don't waste any sympathy now.

Look for the positives to keep you going, you have your son who is your number one priority and once your initial anger wears off and you start to feel down don't show any weakness. All the sorrys in the world won't make up for how you feel right now.

For your son's sake your husband has to leave immediately so there is time for him to get used to his new way of life before changing schools. When I was at secondary school my Dad's job moved him about 300 miles away, coincidentally quite close to where his Mum lived, but because he didn't want to uproot the family he commuted and stayed with her during the week and came home on Friday afternoons. This lasted for a couple of years till the job moved him back again and he could travel from home. My Dad had no choice, but made the best of it, your husband has made this happen so when it all goes tits up, and it will, he will only have himself to blame.