Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

OP, I’m a child of trauma and went through the care system for 18 years. You sound like an amazing mum and I’m sorry that you and your DS are facing this upheaval. I just want to say that children who have experienced early years trauma can be amazingly resilient. With your love and support I’m hopeful that your DS will get through this x

But - there was a case years ago where a lady cut the legs off her cheating H’s expensive suits and gave away his prized wine collection to the neighbours. Made the national news. I suppose as they’re marital assets she could do that. In this case, as OP bought the car, she can scratch what she likes on it.

Slander is too far, I agree.

A five week online relationship on bloody Tik toc

He plans to jack in job and go and be a carer where she lives.

She's five weeks split from her husband and has two children.

Please, please, please come back and let us all know how that goes...

Can't believe he stayed in the house!
He needs to move out immediately.

Don't do this,except see a lawyer,you don't want your child to witness any more trauma than she needs to.no matter how tempting it may be!.

Op big handhold from me. What a twat and I guarantee you he will be back. Fuck that shit though. You can do this x

Greyrockin · Today 08:42
SwordToFlamethrower · Today 08:37
Burn his clothes or throw bleach on them.
Key his car, spray it with the words "cheating bastard"
Shred his passport
Destroy his hobby items (pour water on his xbox etc)
Tell his work he is a pedo.

Go see a lawyer.
In that order.

WTF?

Greyrockin It's because OP's getting far too much attention. Happens every time. Derail and divert.

Tell him to stay with his parents. Do not let him come back. Make sure he knows this is a one time decision that he can’t reverse.

when this crashes and burns the last thing you want is him hanging around the house like a bad smell feeling sorry for himself.

stay angry

Don't fuck him! He's been fucking someone else!

He has made his decision, so he has to go,today.He will only make it worse for you all by hanging around.Bastard.

While you're at it pay for next year's holiday and solicitors fees out of any joint funds. Might as well get the bastard to pay before it disappears into Ms TikTok's bank account.

I know you're devastated right now but I'm sure you will see in time what an absolute loser he is and a total and utter shit to abandon his children. I'm sure they will be ok in time but I wonder whether it's worth looking for a child therapist to help them process it, especially given your ds's history?

What an absolute tosser he is in blowing his life up because of someone he hasn't he even met 🤯 You almost have to feel sorry for some men that their dicks rule their life and make them act so stupid

Yes I 100% agree what I mean if I was with someone that long id want to know exactly how long it was going on for I wouldn't dare want to have anything to do with him but still id personally want answers.

He doesn't get to decide when he's leaving. You do. Don't let him back after the trip to his parents.

Make an appointment to see solicitor ASAP, and tell your DS today (without giving DH any option to be part of that). That way it gets DS prepared sooner rather than later. Let the solicitors deal with the financial details, but absolutely dig your heels in - our friend's ex did this, despite it being an equal break down of marriage and she got together with someone she already knew immediately after break up - he ended up giving in and she got more than half of assets.

If he becomes in any way unreasonable in the way he's treating you, then lock him out. Either way, tell him he's going in next 48 hours even if he changes his mind.

OP fellow teacher here..also have younger H...and sadly midlife hit him....you know the rest.
One thing that occurred to me is if he is being conned..let him get to parents house before you tell him he is out of the house...as getting him out while in it maybe tricky...change locks then.
As for him coming back with his tail between his legs...be very clear what you want before he starts crawling back.
It's a tough place to be and I never thought I would have said this...but got my kids though and out the other end..can do what I want, when ever I want ...loving the freedom...mind you have just taken early retirement from teaching! Good luck, you have got this!!

He's going home to his parents.

OH kick him out let her have him. He was too bloody lazy to go to the next village to meet his tiktok woman, that doesn't bode well for her

I would be wishing him Bon voyage and telling him his travel ticket is only a single . What a complete and utter idiot, Tik Tok love affair, my teenagers use this site 😂 the situation is actually laughable . He will be kicked out within the month !!

Tell him to leave the house now / that he’s made a decision and to leave you in peace. Call a friend first and get the friend over and just say in front of them / you have told me that you are cheating on me and have been for some time, you cheated on your stag do, you have told me you are leaving for my peace with DC you need to leave right now, this is emotional abuse to tell me this and then keeping popping in - I can’t think and I need to think and look after my own well being and my child’s, so do the right thing and go now. Do this in front of your friend calmly and hopefully he will be so shame faced he will go.

Any joint accounts ? Any finances together?
get on to the csa today. Solicitor today. Hopefully and change the locks

You will find your anger but later. For now concentrate on telling dc.
Then a list of the practical things as a pp suggested.
And he should move out now, the constant popping in to your room is to salve his conscience.
I feel for you, he’s put you in an awful position but always remember this is on him, he chose to do this and if OW lives 300 miles away he went to some effort.
💐

Gather ALL financial paperwork and keep, think pensions, savings etc. If you have a joint bank account make sure you have a separate one. Anything of value don't let it leave your house. Ask now what maintenence he will be paying and when, get a SO sorted so you know its set up.

Unfortunately you will be better telling your child earlier then later but try and avoid the your dad is leaving us, as it can make child feel its partly their fault. Explain that he is moving away but make sure that Dad explains that he will visit and when he will visit so that your child doesn't feel left.

Get a very good solicitor and go low or no contact as your husband will try to guilt trip you when it gets expensive or want you to make up excuses as to why he's not visiting your child.

Good luck and harden your feelings to your husband

Op you need to pay a blinder here be cool as a cucumber 🥒 wish him all the best and tell him you just want he's name off everything and for everything to be amicable protect your house darling x

I agree with him taking his stuff now and going to his parents. Even if Tik Tok is not ready to have him move in, they can have their relationship up there and you can have a clean break. Over the summer you can clear his stuff out, maybe hire a van or something. Tell him you'd really appreciate doing it this way and hopefully utilise his guilt (and his lust to be with her) a bit. He probably thought he was doing you a favour taking time to do this.

I think it's clear that this relationship won't last and if he's not fully out of your house, it will be harder. He may even go up there this week and decide it's not going to work/ realise his life with you was way nicer - so you need to decide how you will react to him begging to come back. I think it's clear you can't take him back as you will have zero reject and trust for him, whatever feelings of 'love' there may be. The more people you tell about this the better as hopefully they can keep you straight when he's crawling back.

“Daddy wants to live nearer his Mummy and Daddy for a while- but that will be exciting- you’ll be able to visit nanna and grandad every holiday if you want to!

Daddy knows we will be fine here because I’m an awesome mummy and you are an awesome son. We’re fabulous and we’ll have a great time together.

Yea this. You sound amazing OP, and what a lovely wonderful protective mother you are !

Tik Tok. That will be over soon and then he’ll be fucked!