Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

Ok. I know I said I wouldn't keep going with pointless non updates. But here I am.

I am reading and taking on board all your comments.

I'm taking a while to catch up - it's incredibly difficult for me to accept what he is and that it's completely over. But I do. I honestly do.

I've told him I'll be starting divorce proceedings next week. He was all what's the rush? Blah blah. I said that now it's over, and it is, I need to move quickly - I can't bear things as they are. I asked him to imagine if the roles were reversed and it was HIM sitting waiting whilst he cultivates new relationship or if it fails to come back and wait whilst I look for the next one and we go round the circle again.

I pointed out that he may be entitled to some things legally, but not morally and how can he look himself in mirror knowing he's paid for nothing and then acts like this and tries to take it away from us.

Our mutual friends stopped in car as I was returning from walking dog and asked how I was. So I told them.

He said that surely he should have been one to tell them. I said you were showing no signs of it so I did you a favour.

He's too lazy, too skint, too stupid and too confident that I will fix things for him to seek legal advice.

By his return I will have the ball rolling and then it's just a question of suck it and see.

He will probably just return to his parents when sees that I'm not letting him stay here.

If he won't leave then I'll just ghost him until I can sort something.

Our son will be told at the point that he's got a definite plan in place for leaving - to wherever that may be.

Our son will be told that we love him and that what we do doesn't detract from that.

I will facilitate and support their relationship but I don't force it.

This time I really AM listening to advice and I will take it.

I realise that the man I loved so much hasn't been around for years. He's been seeking confidence boosts and attention online forever, it's never stopped. He loves / loved me as much as he is capable of. As an intrinsically stupid and selfish man - that love amounts to not much at all.

I reiterate that I WILL seek legal advice. I will not back down to him.

Thanks again to everybody who has posted.

You are doing really well, OP! Just plow forward. You have been carrying this fragile man baby for years like someone carrying a toddler holding an egg. Now he’s smashed it. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men/could’nt put humpty dumpty together again. No matter what the toddler thinks.

Good for you lovely. You, re getting there, he needs to know you mean business. What a twat he is, also making an absolute fool of himself, hope it massively backfires, you, ll have the last laugh, trust me.

I think you're doing amazingly well!

You are doing great.
I echo what a previous poster wrote about not drinking when alone, obviously not saying you are! It’s great advice though.

he thought his announcement was a big deal where you moving things forward for yourself and your son is very much the biggest deal, well done!

I think you're doing brilliant but I echo others saying stop talking to him! Stop explaining what you're doing, and he has a legal right to things etc. Shut down conversations. He will use it against you. Don't pay for his legal advice, you don't have to and it won't help you get what you want/need to get. I know it's hard.

This puts it beautifully. Good for you, OP. So many of us are rooting for you x

Why have you been keeping him?

Why are you continuing to look after his best interests, to the detriment of your own?

You are being so strong. I hope you get some headspace after he leaves tomorrow. I also hope you pack all his things and dump them at his parents next Wednesday, but I know you have to do things your way.
Best of luck.

I agree that you need to stop having conversations with him about your plans, stop discussing what he may legally be entitled to, it's just giving him ammunition. You want him lazy, flippant and on the back foot in this.

Did you say you paid for both cars? Maybe you don't need them both, but don't discount taking them and selling one, remember he's paid nothing towards your assets, and will take whatever he can get his hands on.

Don't offer him any help, money or advice, he won't be doing you any favours, OW can have that job now.

Well, you're in a great frame of mind and sounds like you're on the right track. Spoil yourself rotten now while they're away and make a start on the important stuff too when you're ready. It's great you're off for a few weeks too. It's happening at a good time, might be just meant to be and then you can slowly start afresh. It can only get better from here!

@stomachcramps just want to say I felt sick and so angry for you reading your OP, my husband dumped me 6 months ago and we have an 11 year old. I’m still absolutely fuming that he’s done this to our son. Sending you so much strength and love x

As hard as it is Îd try and put a brave face on it and say fine off you go asap . Get dressed up tomorrow put your lippy on if you wear it or anything else that makes you feel better. Try and do some exercise ( fast walking listening to music has always helped me or jogging when i was younger, ) Do not let him see you are devastated. Make an appointment with a solicitor asap.You’re strong . It’s his loss. Living with someone 15 years younger will be such an effort after a while imo. That’s his problem. I’m so sorry he’s doing this to your son and you.

You could tell your sons school too so they know and can give him support or leeway if necessary

@stomachcramps i wouldn't share any of your plans with him, forewarned is forearmed, and the only weapon you want him to have is a rusty spoon compared to your chieftain tank.
Hold your head up and make sure you do something for you whilst your sons with the dick head. You will get through this, and I'm willing to bet like so many of us, that you'll be happier without the dead weight.

It’s so tough. I know we’re all full of advice, just want to send love too x

You sound f*king awesome! So strong 💪 even while it hurts so much. The pain will fade with time but you will keep getting stronger.

They deserve each other but don’t be surprised if you see a new nasty side to him in the future, protect your assets and your son, and ensure he pays for your son’s upkeep.

Please stop telling him everything and throwing away any advantage you have. I'm feeling scared for you because you think logic and niceness will win the day when he believes in neither. As hard as it is to face he isn't your husband or friend. Please start giving yourself that care you are offering him, you and your son deserve nothing less.

Unfortunately @stomachcramps had one good civilised divorce so has zero expectations that this will be different. She's a teacher chiding a pupil. With long explanations.

Wait till he starts telling their son a different sob story about wicked mean mummy.

I agree with everyone else, pls stop being so kind to him OP. I feel as if he is able to 'trigger' you into mothering him.

This. You are helping him by over explaining. Please please stop giving away your tactics. You’re parenting him through this and giving him ideas.

Oh and he will seek legal advice. You can be sure of it because someone will tell him he is entitled to a share of your house. But do not mention it to him again. Do not tell him what he might be entitled to. Don’t tell him all your moves before you make them.

Grey rock now OP. Only discuss DC. And only when he instigates. Let him work it all out for himself. Tell him to go and stay with his parents for a while. Make it your aim that he won’t come back through the door. But don’t tell him that. Be swift because I don’t think OW is going to take him in and when he realises he’ll try and move back in and you need to be on your way to divorce by then and all his stuff needs to be gone.

💐

Absolutely right. The Op's hopefully soon to be husband is an immature, pathetic piece of work. Its never been a proper relationship. He looks at you as his mummy. He is literally a loser on every level. And he cheated on you before you were even married. I strongly suggest you get some therapy to get some proper insight into your own enabling and lack of self respect that you thought this was a proper partnership between two adults. It wasn't, isn't and never will be, And leave all proceedings to a decent lawyer. For your children's sake, even if you can't seem to care about yourself. Harsh but after reading all of these pages, its time for harsh.

Thank you for your response.
I’m not defending him by any means.
I’m only baffled that someone could be this stupid to act this way and be serious about it. I cannot believe he means what he’s doing.
So I’m just trying to understand what would make him behave like this. Did he lose his mind? Is he in a very dark place and possibly even suicidal?
Anyway, I know she doesn’t have to put up with this or anything else. But I also know she said she still loved him and considered the marriage to be successful for the most part until now.
Men do act like kids sometimes because they don’t know how to communicate their true feelings. It seems he’s suffering himself. So it all doesn’t add up to me. I don’t know.
I feel we are very eager to tell someone to end their marriage when it’s not our own. I’m not doctor Phill and I’m not asking to give him 90 days. I will say though I’m thinking people jump the ship way too quickly, especially here in LA. A few would take time to analyze the situation because it’s easier to move on to a new person.
What is really happening in this marital union? We don’t know that. Does she know that? I’m not so sure.
Is she going to be ok without him? A 100%! Is her marriage owed a fair investigation and is she owed an explanation? I believe so.

He's going away with Ds to stay with his parents after recently telling you the marriage is over hes on about going there to live whether it works out or not with this women he's very chilled about video calls everyday to DS no real plans about anything really, I would be worried he isn't being honest and he does have plans and one of them are he doesn't plan on returning DS and may plan for him and DS to live long term with his parents the type of guy you have described I don't think he would want to be the residential parent but the no decisions or any real thoughts would worry me concerning DS. Tells his wife it's over as met someone else with no actual thought out plans in place no matter how much of a man child he is it doesn't add up to me.