Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

300 miles isn't far enough.
I hope you're ok.
The younger shinier model that's 15 years younger will no doubt want someone her own age soon, when a married man is no longer married and is just not as palatable!

I assume he’ll be entitled to 50% of the pension that the OP has accrued during their marriage and vice versa, although I suspect the OP’s is worth considerably more.

No she's only 6 years younger than him I think. She's 38ish and he's 44. OP is nearly 50.

So she split with the hubby 5 weeks ago, happened to meet your hubby on tiktok 5 weeks ago and now they are going to be together?
I think this is going on longer than they say.

In the future if you meet another bloke and decide to marry/live together for God's sake get a pre-nup. You need to protect yourself from anything like this happening to you again.

OP you have to stop the meaningful chats with him while he is in this frame of mind. He doesn’t care. He thinks he’s in love. Thinks he wants to be with OW and he’s had a few weeks of thinking about it.

Don't offer to pay for him to get a place near you. He wants to leave. Let him go. Even if he has to live at his parents.

Get on the phone. Get appointments made. Act swiftly. Protect your assets. He has already indicated he’s going to try and get a share of your house off you. He isn’t going to play nice.

Your tactic now is to get rid of him as cheaply and quickly as possible. Make an offer after speaking with a solicitor. I did this 3-4 days after my ex said he was off. He saw the pound signs and agreed straight away. Strike while the iron is hot. Look he can always come back one day if you’re daft enough. But you want to get rid now without having to sell up - so be clever. You won’t persuade him to stay with you, and if you do the relationship is ruined anyway.

Keep your powder as dry as possible. Stop pointing out that he can’t afford to leave or he won’t have a job in the new location because he will leave anyway and then start to come after your money.

He really is a fucking stupid twat and I hope he's being catfished.

Not even sure OW wants him. Probably shitting herself that he’s moving to be near her if it is just 5 weeks. I mean he’s no catch is he? Disloyal cocklodger cheater who is willing to leave family for another woman after 5 weeks of online flirting?
Red flags ahoy. Love bombing. Bet she ghosts him.

On the bright side if he’s lazy and not very clever that can work in your favour. My lazy ex didn’t bother getting his own valuation of the house (that I bought and paid for but he was sadly entitled to half of). So we went with my very favourable to me valuation.
He was terrified I’d want his old cars (basically wrecks) and didn’t want to pay a solicitor any more than the bare minimum so he agreed I could keep my pension if I agreed he could get everything in the garage…
Also because of his laziness and cheapness he didn’t want to pay to get a proper financial disclosure so accepted what I said was ‘roughly’ the amount of the mortgage. 😅
I still had to give him money but he agreed to 40% of equity (Based on my valuation and mortgage estimate) and the contents of the garage.
It still rankles that I had to give him anything but it was much, much less than it might have been thanks to his sheer laziness and cheapness.

Oh and when his shit was still in my garage a year later my dad got what he fancied from it and I dumped the rest. Turned out my ex was too lazy to even take it away.

"I asked him what she had said:
"That I should have waited"'
Appart from anything else he should be kicked out for being such a walking cliché. Its like a bad soap opera.

Age differences are not the issue, the issue is you are his Mum and he is your charming naughty boy.

But he isnt either a boy or charming.
Do NOT back down, or feel sorry for him as I feel thats a possibility given his previous infidelity and your ignoring of advice here.

This parental dynamic is your wakeup call.

@Spotto you're dead on. Im sorry for the terrible consequences of their ... well, lies.

"He is the enemy and I'll have to kill him with kindness'
please dont play games.
Best to just ignore him as much as possible and show no emotion, maintain both your dignity and your resolve.

if you play at 'kindness' that will get a similar response and your boundaries will be weakened along with your self respect. He will pull you into his drama and you will feel needed again intentionally or not. Use clean controlled anger or your health will suffer too.

Sooner he is out the house, the better. Or you.

I've seen this game backfire too often.

.

Me: no that's not happening. If you're not with her then there's no need for you to be so far away from him! You'd have to get a place down here where he can get a bus to school. If you had him a couple of nights then there'd be no need for you to pay child support.

Dont organise him, thats the dynamic right there.

@stomachcramps

I must disagree with telling DS 'the truth and nothing but the truth'. He's still too young to truly assimilate the 'facets' of infidelity. And saying "Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore' may only plant in his head that 'love ends' perhaps making him wonder if you or his dad may stop loving him someday. Sure, it may feel satisfying to hear STBX 'own up' to his own child, but I don't think it serves the greater purpose.

All he needs to know for right now is that 'Sometimes Mums and Dads don't get along anymore. When that happens it's better for everyone if they don't live in the same house'. At some point, he will either figure out or can be told the truth.

Mr. Useless Cocklodger is about to rinse you. I wouldn't trust him with a ten foot pole. And as his meal ticket neither should you

So sorry OP. After you've thrown all the things and screamed all the swear words (and got him out obviously), and the dust has settled, have a look at this fab team of separation experts - if you can hold your nose in the medium term and agree to enter the process jointly/civilly, you could save yourself a shedload of money on lawyers: https://amicable.io/ But more than understandable if you just want to take him to the cleaners as much as possible!

Yep.

Don't underestimate how uncivilized and grabby people can become when things have irretrievably broken down.

I wouldn't be giving him an inch if I were you OP. He will only take a mile.

You need to be very hard OP. He is not your husband, lover or friend, he is a total twat who thinks he is in love with someone on Tik Tok he's never met. Look after yourself and your son, especially financially, because he won't and if it doesn't work out with her (amazing as that thought is) there will be someone else eventually.

So he's put zero deposit into the house paid zero mortgage payments. Well a friend was like this married six years zero contribution to the house payments. It all went to court. On the day the judge awarded her £1k for every year of marriage and not a penny more. And her husband was the cheater but financially she had contributed nothing.

OP I read all your posts from the start. It's incredible how an amazing and competent woman like you ended up with a man like him.
You said before you still love him.
You don't, believe me, you really don't.
You are really kind and caring, a really decent person, but thats not love. Please follow the advise to seek legal advice and therapy afterwards.
You will be so unbelievably happy when you realise how good life is without him.
He really and truly didn't deserve someone like you. You are also an incredible good mum.
I am convinced he will be coming back soon so please move fast specially with legal advice, child custody, and a quick divorce. This looks to me very likely a catfishing situation.
Please keep us posted
You are incredibly strong and super funny
I laughed with some of your comments. You got this xx

OP, it’s not necessarily a fifty-fifty financial split. Current family law says if married, fifty is the default unless it can be shown considering all the circumstances of the marriage that 50/50 is unreasonable and not a true reflection of marital finances. But you really really need to speak to a solicitor now. Every conversation you have with him - because you are a kind person - weakens your position and strengthens his. This man is not financially reliable and doesn’t sound like he’s going to be a financially active father. Thus every penny you give to him is a penny you take away from your son.

He plainly wants to move to his old area so that he can sponge off his parents.

I do wonder what TikTok Tracy thinks she is going to get out of this relationship - assuming she is a real person and not a catfish.