Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

@stomachcramps

He's downstairs now doing his washing for his trip. I shouted down the instructions of what to put with what and on which cycle etc.

Yeah, stop doing that. In the way that matters, he's no longer your husband nor your responsibility. If he doesn't know how to do his laundry, he can figure it out for himself. Your only concern is DS and yourself.

This is part of the process of separating yourself, your emotions, from him. It's also a reminder to him to expect nothing and demand nothing from you.

Then as you've all already said: true colours started to emerge and he hit out with how this is his house too. And when I said about how he's paid no mortgage or bills, his response was "That's irrelevant"

And so it begins.

Just stop talking, stop. Basic and necessary conversations only. Any talk regarding the divorce needs to be nipped in the bud right away. Those conversations are to be had with solicitors only.

Especially nothing about 'helping him' pay for new digs, or anything else. You don't want or need him coming out with 'you promised' during financial negotiations. He'll need to learn to live within his own means, even if that means renting a room somewhere.

Personally I'd steer clear of telling DS that Dad has met someone else.
Just focus on mum and dad don't love each other any more and think it will be best to be apart or something of that order. I don't think it's helpful for him to process the why right now ? But you know your DS best

Echo this.

He's is getting you to do the work again. So he doesn't have to be a grown up.

He wanted to move out. Fine. He can sort his own shit out. It's not for you to solve his problems.

Doing this is all about control. What can he make you do. Even 'for the sake of your child'

Keep in mind your job as a parent is to care for your child, teach them independence and to role model good behaviour and choices in life.

Don't allow him to see his mother as just a woman who is there to be a grown man's carer. Teach him it's not ok to do this and if you do it, then you are responsible for your actions.

Your husband made a decision and it has consequences. Let him deal with the consequences.

But won't they need a reason as to why he's moving so far away?

He is the enemy and I'll have to kill him with kindness whilst subtly shoving him out the door with not much more than the clothes on his back and the keys to a car.

This isn't how this is going to play out. He will go after a 50% share of everything you own and the law is on his side.

true colours started to emerge and he hit out with how this is his house too. And when I said about how he's paid no mortgage or bills, his response was "That's irrelevant"

You need competent legal advice, and you need it now.

I don’t think you should talk to him about the house/finances again. Quietly get on with getting very good legal advice while he’s preoccupied.
It’s not long till it all fails with this other woman, and when that happens, he’ll dig his heels in about his so called claim to be in the house.

I am afraid he is right that, as you are married, the fact he has not paid towards the mortgage or bills is irrelevant. He will be entitled to a fair settlement. Your assets and his assets will all go into the pool along with any joint assets. No-one on here can tell you whether a fair settlement means he gets 50% of the pool, more than that or less than that.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor and get proper legal advice ASAP.

Op you need to stop being so gullible and talking to him, he is going to take you to the cleaners.
Get some solid legal advice now from a solicitor.. If you're married he's probably going to get 50% of all of your assets.. Yes that includes the house doesn't matter if he's paying or not he's legally entitled to 50% of everything.
Hes not your friend.. Stop looking after him.

He has convinced the world that he is a harmless, lovable if a little useless bloke. You and your son are the only ones he saves his true self for, he has treated you like shit throughout yet still managed to convince you that you needed to financially and emotionally support him. Stop talking to him or he will eventually wear you down. Get the divorce ball rolling today. See a solicitor as soon as you can. Just forge ahead. The best chance your son has of an emotionally healthy future is a household without this manipulative manchild in it.

The more you post, the clearer this becomes. Stop having heart-to-heart conversations with this man. He is playing you for a fool.

What I'm getting is that it already seems to have gone tits up with her and she's reversing faster than an Amazon lorry with a dodgy satnav down a mud track.

You have had a perfect mask-off moment with the comments about the house ownership. He's right; he co owns it. This is who he is.

Tell your son the truth. That he has fallen for another woman and he's going to live with her and her children hundreds of miles away. That he doesn't want to be with the two of you any more.

That you're not happy, you're very upset and shocked and sad. But you'll work hard at feeling better soon, with him. And help him feel better too.

And be prepared for worst case scenario - him telling you he wants to go and live with Daddy and be near the grandparents. The time he is due to spend with them soon could be used for a spot of brainwashing. Are you sure it's a good idea under the circumstances?

@stomachcramps I personally think you should tell your child the truth. no lying. he is 11 and I am sure he is pretty much aware of what happens in the world. he will have seen children in school from one parent families. do not treat him like a baby!! remember a standing cock has no conscience and you, at this time have to grow a pair of balls for both your future and your son's future! dont make things easy for the cocklodger in your life. once he is out, he is out and he is never admitted into your home again. I hope you are going to see solicitor tomorrow!

Everyone else has said what needs to be said but I want to reinforce the point people are trying to make about DS’s relationship with his father. You absolutely should not promise anything for (or with) ex to your ds. your ex is going to default on whatever he promises now and if you make promises on his behalf, like a cosigner on a joint debt, when your ex defaults you will also lose standing with your son.

Just be calm, model resilience, be honest with your ds “this sucks and its uncharted territory for me too. The one thing I can promise you is that ds, you and I are a team. I will do everything I can to protect you and we will thrive. What dad decides to do is up to him.”

Do not act as go between. Do not soften or excuse things. Don’t substitute your expertise for ex’s duty of care. Do not try to force ex to be a good father or live close or anything else. He won’t sustain it and your son will just go through round after round of abandonment.

He's leaving his marriage for a woman he's never met who has a 14-year-old and 20-year-old and who is telling him he shouldn't have jumped the gun? This is going to go well for him!

The fact that he's already staking a claim on the house is showing you who he is.

OP, you're not really listening to the excellent practical advice you've received on this thread. You (think you) know best.

Thread, it's worth remembering this line from the opening post -
> I ignored most of the advice given <
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

You've got this! He's an unbelievable twat but you'll be fine in the end and better off without him. Him on the other hand. . .

His tears and 'I had to tell you' confessions are a red herring. I think he has been planning this for a while. Why does a man in his 40s not know what washing machine settings to use but knows that he is entitled to a stake in the house despite not paying the mortgage or bills? He is going to be ruthless - stop saying you will help him, he is prepared to help himself to whatever you have built up.

I think there’s a line between being amenable in order to make divorce be as easy as possible and being naive .
Saying that you and his dad fell out of love is a lie. His dad has decided to leave the family for pastures new- that’s the real truth.
I would be matter of fact about this and truthful to your son. His Dad has made this decision not you.
Your H has spent his life putting on a facade of being a nice chap - to you and people he meets. The truth is he’s a lazy two timing leach .

Stop looking at him with rose tinted glasses . The manchild you married was a chameleon who changed to suit the situation.

I would not trust him an inch to behave like a decent human being.
Please find a solicitor who will play tough and get you what you are entitled to. This man will not play child maintenance.

Change your insurance, pension will etc beneficiaries to your children . My mum didn’t and when she died suddenly dad used the insurance money she had for her funeral for his honeymoon in Cuba . My mum thought he was a trustworthy man - they had been together over 40 years before he left .
Fortunatley mum had done a legal separation, changed her will so dad was only entitled to a share not everything as he had planned.

Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt OP he’s not the man you thought he was

Wanting your DH to be a good father won't make him into one.

When you have time - think in a realistic way about what your ex can really offer as a parent.It is likely he will be even less good without you.

Aim for making the best of what he has to give a son but don't build your plans on ideas about him as the parent he ought to be.

It is difficult to decide how to frame things for your DS. I'd say, don't leave him thinking that all relationships will end like this and that is just what happens. Nor that women are fine about their husbands moving out and leaving their children.

He might be a much better kind of man than your ex and should not be left to see all his future relationships as temporary.

Mumsnet mantra: This too shall pass.
I would add to this: it may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass
There may be a rocky road ahead but you can navigate it @stomachcramps

Of course he will come after half the house, he’s entitled to it after all and his solicitor will advise him to. That’s the downside to marriage if you’re the one with assets and your partner is a lazy arse. But it’s too late for that now.

You need to factor that in to your plans.

It’s also inevitable that he will go an live with OW and if that doesn’t work out another one. He’s quite a weak man without a backbone and he needs to the supported financially by other people. So I would be planning on a LD relationship with DS and managing the logistics of that.

I don't think she was a school girl when he left if that's what he's saying?
If she's 38 now, 14 years ago she would have been 24 (and your DH 30?).

They could well have know each other and he's just not telling the truth. Perhaps he looked her up on Tik Tok to see what she was up to these days. Happens a lot!

As someone who has worked with kids for years and u being a teacher will know that the most important thing is to keep an eye on the children in this senario. Please don’t start shunting them from this house to that. It is so hard for them.

I would tell your DS the truth.

I wouldn't facilitate anything. You'll have enough on with your DS, the house, heartbreak and getting through without managing his relationship with his own child.

He's got to go for good and as a poster up thread said he can't figure out the washer but he knows enough he will get 50% of the house.

The guilt is fading fast and his tears are about manipulation. Him and her think he's in for a windfall and they will either live of it or buy somewhere.

He has chosen this so he can get on with it. Except he will soon find out that's not what he wanted. It's time for him to grow up.

Please don’t listen to any more sob stories from him, please try and untether yourself emotionally from him. He doesn’t deserve your help. I’m sorry but I think he will let your son down too. Hope you have a good solicitor, good luck x

I don't think things are going to move forward with this woman so I am left wondering where you go from there?
As many others have said you need proper legal advice. Unless you are a very high earner as much as you are determind to keep your family home you may need to sell. When you go through solicitors and possibly the courts these things can take many, many months.
The mortgage is in his name also and basically you can ask him to leave but if he does not comply then you are stuck as he has as much right to live there as you.
Over 10 years would be classed as a long marriage, starting point would be a 50/50 split.