Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

Flipping heck. He's really a prize wally isn't he?

He has chucked his life down the drain for a woman he doesn't even know how old she is and hasn't met yet.

Does he even know her real name? (Serious question at this point).

He has seen her on camera right?

Does he have access to joint finances? He hasn't sent her money or something daft like that has he? You might want to double check.

He's worried it isn't going to work out with her.

Yeah, he should be.

Admitted that he hasn't told anybody bevahse this way he can pretend it's not happening.

It's not happening? As if it's something that just happened to him and isn't something he entirely engineered himself?

Does he actually understand that the thing he's trying to pretend isn't happening is the thing he actively and intentionally did?

It was just a guesstimate biut I'm certain there's no previous cross over or prior knowledge.
She's not on his Facebook and I don't recognize her name at all. Definitely new

I'm afraid I agree with @RedToothBrush. You can't force him to spend any time with your son if he doesn't want to...if he's not working it's unlikely you'll get any child support from him, either.

I would start thinking that you are either going to have to give him half the equity in your house, or some of your pension... I think he'll probably be advised by a solicitor to go for both.

You definitely need some proper legal advice right away about protecting your financial interests. Could you buy him out?

Did they actually meet on TikTok? Have you actually seen proof of this?
could she be a cam girl he’s fallen for?

He doesn't know how old she is? And he's left you both and doesn't even know her age! What!?! Does he even know her full name. I 100% think this is an online prank gone wrong (for the prankster) and he's going to have serious egg on his face.

He's getting nasty and grabby and showing no regard for your son so definitely agree with all other PPs who say get a solicitor ASAP!

Easy to say from behind a screen when I'm not there, but try not to engage with him anymore until you have spoken to one.

There is much good advice on here and you sound to be approaching things in a careful steady way despite the shock you have been served.

One more thing to consider as you decide how you are going to relate to him in future. You seem to be making plans based on the man you used to think he was (the one who could never do this and would never take what was not his.)

A man who can let you down this badly and with so little thought for his son is very likely to let down his son badly in future.

A good relationship with both parents is a wonderful thing.

However, a good relationship with ONE good parent and protection from the other will be better and safer in many cases.

If you encourage contact with a man who is so careless about his son's feelings - you might be setting your son up for greater hurt in the future.

I'll be getting advice soon. I'll also look at all the links that people have kindly sent me.
I know I'm going to take a hit financially, but no matter what we are staying in this house.
We will also tell our son together and emphasise that Dad has met somebody else and it's nothing that me or son have done / not done. It's nobody's fault and sometimes these things happen.
That mum is fine with dad having a new relationship and that mum and dad will still be the best of friends and all that either of us want is for son to be happy

I really admire how strong and collected you're being for the sake of your son, when you've just had your life explode. I think you and your son will come out of the other side of this so much happier and better, when you don't have his immaturity holding you back.

This.
Focus on the man he is showing himself to be. Not the man you thought he was. You can't change him or fix him.

He is showing that you were always Mrs Right Now and never Mrs Right. He's kept looking until he got a better offer. Or he thought he got a better offer. Thats never ever going to change. You were always nothing more than his best option for the time being, so he might as well go with it until he got a better option. He doesn't love you.

There were previous posters who said to remember what he'd done when he came back to you. You are at risk at forgetting that already.

I think what you are planning to tell your son is admirable.

However you need to wrap your head around the idea that your soon to be ex husband may not be on the same page and may just villify you for not forgiving him to your son. If your husband is selfish he won't be as civil as you plan to be.

You need to brace yourself for this and the possibility he's not going to be reasonable or rational and may deliberately try to drag your son down with it.

Big hugs OP. You can do this. I’m so sorry he is such a prize idiot. You will come out of this, and your son will do too.

May I just sensitively suggest that you don’t say anything which isn’t entirely true when disclosing this to your son. At this point in time you are not the best of friends, and you don’t really know if you will be. You are, however, his parents, and you can explain your relationship to your son in those terms. Don’t make promises you can’t keep - kids pick up on everything we say.

Op, you sound like an amazing mum. Your son is lucky to have you

When you tell your son, I wouldn't make any promises for your idiotic DH and instead say how you will always be there and how much you care. I wouldn't say you will still be the best of friends because you won't be. As much as you want to facilitate the relationship with your son, he sounds like he won't make the effort, he's moving 300 miles away and you don't want to open up more disappointment in the future. DH is a tool, honestly this is one of the worst things I've seen on here and you are being amazingly strong.

edited: added the instead

Absolutely

We will also tell our son together and emphasise that Dad has met somebody else and it's nothing that me or son have done / not done. It's nobody's fault and sometimes these things happen.

That mum is fine with dad having a new relationship and that mum and dad will still be the best of friends and all that either of us want is for son to be happy

Is this type of approach still advised by professionals or whoever ?

My mum in her best intentions took this approach and it fucked me up for a large portion of my life and left me very vulnerable to mistreatment. I've heard similar from friends with similar backgrounds.

It was not helpful for me to receive the message "people who love you will decide to essentially abandon you for pathetic reasons and that's all a-okay and nobody's fault" in my formative years.

I had to spend years undoing that bollocks. My life improved immeasurably once I realised that actually, people who love you don't do things like that and it isn't acceptable - it was painful, but finally going through that realisation and finally being able to have that period of pure anger for what he did allowed me to raise my standards for future relationships.

Maybe me and the people I've known are outliers and this approach really is best. I don't know. But I'd urge you to look into it deeply and research in any case.

this all sounds pretty pathetic. Do you think he’ll try to come crawling back when all this goes bad? As it will.

Ah. Maybe the best of friends thing isn't the way to go after all.
I'll have some breathing space from tomorrow whilst the pair of them are away.

Son isn't the easiest in the world so I'm looking forward to the break.

I've got until Wednesday until they return so I can have some laughs and a nice time with my sister, nephew, and friend.

Going to try to stop posting incessantly now. Will update only if something to actually update. Not sure it's helping me to keep going over and over it all and round in circles.

Won't disappear! Just calming down a bit.

Didn't expect such a wonderful response- people have been so kind and helpful.

Thanks, all.

Mumsnet mantra: This too shall pass.

It sounds like him telling you that he's leaving "not now, but soon" is likely an attempt to leave the door open while he gets his foot into the next one. You can't legally force him out (until divorce settlement) but I'd be telling him to leave as soon as he can. Because it also sounds like his new woman is more a fantasy than reality, since they've never even met. Chances of them hitting it off in person after an online only fling are slim. The last thing you want is either of them coming to their senses before he's moved out of your house. Because then he'll be back tracking and begging for forgiveness, trying to guilt trip you into having him back.

Don't feel too bad about it, consider it as the new woman doing you a favour, taking this loser off your hands.

Good luck! Enjoy the time with your sister. I would look after yourself, look at the ADVICE NOW section on the divorce board then try and see a solicitor before Wednesday. Apart from that, taking time out from here and everything sounds like a good plan.

You're obviously a good DM and want your husband to stay close to his DC but please be careful here Op. He already knows it's all going wrong for him and that he can't afford to live on his own so the chances of him not coming after money from your house are very small, even though he admits he's contributed nothing.You offering to help him stay locally for his DS's sake is never going to work out Op, you can afford to keep you and your son but how will you find the money to pay your DH's rent and why would you?
Frankly Op, he knows it's all blown up on him so now he's going to emotionally blackmail you to let him stay- that's why he's said he;ll still move away, that's why he says he can't afford to live alone, because then you won't chuck him out for your DS sake. He is a user and a man baby, too used to everyone in his world looking after him and paying for him. Now he has to face providing for himself I forsee him turning nasty pretty quick

I don't think you are pathetic @stomachcramps, not one bit. I think you have been conditioned and manipulated by a "manchild" for a long time and that is going to be really hard to untangle yourself from. But you must. Again, this man is not daft. He has convinced the world that he is a harmless, lovable if a little useless bloke. You and your son are the only ones he saves his true self for, he has treated you like shit throughout yet still managed to convince you that you needed to financially and emotionally support him.
Stop talking to him or he will eventually wear you down. Get the divorce ball rolling today. See a solicitor as soon as you can. Just forge ahead. The best chance your son has of an emotionally healthy future is a household without this manipulative manchild in it. Gather your strength and go and do not pause for breath. When you pause, he will chip away. You can do this!

Edited for spelling.

Oh and stop falling for the moving away crap. The aim is to make you feel guilty so you continue to offer solutions. Your son is the only bargaining tool he has. If he mentions it again call his bluff. Say that it would be a shame but you understand.

lowflyingtitties. Yes, you are right. It will be a hard dynamic to shift and there probably is a risk of her helping to fix it indeed. Maybe the space will do everyone good and get their heads sorted and then come back and talk