Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

I think his parents knew that, combined with the fact that he's now moved in with someone else and not having to pay half a mortgage on another property, he's likely to be similar to OP's husband and not even give it much of a second thought. As long as it's not costing him anything and he doesn't have to have anything to do with it, it's out of sight, out of mind, which suits my friend.

I'd like to say he'd have been appreciative of his parents' very generous offer (I know my friend was - it does go some way to balancing out which side of the relationship paid more towards the house in the first place), but he's so self-centred he probably is just thankful that he doesn't have to pay out any of his own money at the moment. This is the man that didn't realise he still had to pay maintenance for the one school age child he had when he left. Yup, he conveniently waited until just after his 18th birthday before he left.

I predict this wont last beyond his visit to his parents. I bet to her this was just some online fun and she never intended it to be anything more then a fantasy. She is probably panicking now that she knows he has told you. Its been 5 weeks, i doubt she really wants him in her home with her kids

Oh Jesus, he said this woman said that he should have waited... So she's not sure about moving in with him. The relationship mightnt go ahead at all. He does sound immature alright and used to being taken care of

What an absolute shit! So sorry for you and DS.
I think you are doing the right thing, get legal advice asap, leverage the guilt and assets he will want to retain (like his fancy car or expensive hobby equipment) to get the ones that matter to you (bigger portion of house). I don't know how child maintenance works in UK, but get that buckled down ASAP before he quits jobs/ pleads poverty/ realises he can't afford the lifestyle he had with you.

Don't let him come and go from living with you while trying to decide all this. He's not your teen son , testing out new relationships and coming back if it doesn't work

But you could sell the paid up car and keep the one you are making payments on, the one he thinks is his. Who pays the tax and insurance on it?

He’s an absolute tool. Doesn’t even sound like OW is looking forward to him being available.

Move fast OP before he says he isn’t moving out after all and before he sees a solicitor.

It’s very convenient for him to accidentally’ bump into the Tik Tok Tart isn’t it?

I'm hoping it's a big and hairy biker (and I don't mean the 2 chefs). Who is 6ft tall, 6ft wide and built like a brick sh*thouse, and will want the OPs husband to be 'nice' to him😆😆

I think the biggest risk is the OP fixing things for him and being his emotional support when it all goes wrong for him.
I don't want to insult the OP, she is awesome, but the dynamic they have will be hard to shift. It is second nature for her to look after him and treat him like a bit of a Prince. I hope she can fight the instinct to make it all ok for him because it will be there.

Whatever you do with the divorce make sure you protect your pension. I can’t remember the legal term but it’s a no going back, no future claims finality. You don’t want him claiming part of your pension in the future.

These threads seem to crop up reliably every week but this guy must take the biscuit for being the dumbest of the dumbest: odds are, I’d guess, that this is going to end very quickly and very badly for him - I’m thinking days or weeks here. Commiserations OP - it’s so stupid and awful - it seems you have, and probably always have had, your head screwed on which is probably why you are in on a good position to be able to deal with this - upsetting as it must obviously be. All the best with whatever you do to get through this.

Head over to divorce board.

gobto link at header of board to ADVICE NOW

donwload their details guides on divorce, financial settlement and child custody.

they will explain processes, what you DO need a solicitor for, what you DONT (like the divorce petition, it’s on line, designed NOT to need a solicitor ) and where you might need a solicitor.

for financial settlements, they’ll explain what “fair settlement “ is and the criteria that may apply to your situation (both of you), how legal financial declarations are done, and consent order vs financial agreements and need for mediation. this is vital stuff to know.

do NOT waste time and money going to solicitor asking them questions on the process, offloading your problems and emotions. They’ll charge you £200 per hour for the privilege of every minute they even think about your case of situation, let alone are talking to you. The “free” 30 mins will tell you no more than you can google about high level process, and rest is their sales pitch on telling you what they can do or you do with their help. So, arm yourself first with knowledge for. ADVICE NOW. THEN get your free 30 mins when you can specific put questions about bits youread that you don’t know how applies to you.

try to reach amicable settlements. Park your anger until after divorce settlement. Gather all financial information you can asap. Agree to NOTHING financially before a full legal financial declaration is done by you both and signed. you simply won’t know what “fair settlement” (in law) means to both of you until you have full disclosure on what you’ve got form both sides.

many people here will tell you to get a “good” or “adversarial “ solicitor. That way could escalte and actually can run up cost of £10k or more in fees. Any local family solicitor will be able to do take you spepcifc ally ask for, unless you’re a multi millionaire or have large business assets tied up which is more tricky .

many people here will also say you start 50:50 in terms of assets, this is not true. It starts with “fair settllement”. That is legal framework. That may , and ideally, comes out as 50:50 (if you exclude child maintenance type things), but in many cases it won’t.

also recognise you WILL both be poorer. It doesn’t matter how much he is to blame, financial settlements, in law, are based on future need not what has happened in past. This can be extraordinarily difficult to take, but agian youlll waste £100s of pounds trying to fight the inevitable. Better to get your head around “fair settlement” asap and work through that implication emotionally to get to point asap that you can accept realistically what you’ll likely to get.

ADVICE NOW guides are fab, the divorce board is good. There’s another poster there that has links to an organisation similar to ADVICE NOW and will probably send you those.

To repeat, whether or not he has committed adultery is irrelevant as far as the courts are concerned. In England, the only form of divorce available is no fault divorce, so OP doesn't need to allege, let alone prove, anything. She simply has to apply for divorce and it will happen.

His behaviour is also irrelevant for the financial settlement.

Dear stomachcramps, I am sorry this is happening to you and your dear boy. I have not experienced what you are going through but just wanted you to know that you are strong - you are a teacher in 2020s UK so you have to be strong - you must go into proactive mode to protect everything you can for you and your son. Your soon to be ex husband will soon realise he stands to lose everything as it is obvious his new relationship will not work out. At that point he will decide to get as much as he can when he realises you won’t take him back.

So she is about 30?

I know people aged 26 who think they're too old for TikTok...

You are so spot on with the danger of my 'fixing' things for him.

I know I shouldn't have but I've had another deep and meaningful whilst DS out at his friends.

As I suspected. He's totally jumped the gun with all of this. He told me because he felt bad and felt guilty.

Admits he wouldn't be able to do a carers job but 'has old mates who work on buulding sitrs etc'

He's worried it isn't going to work out with her. She left husband and is renting temporarily into she buys somewhere. Her children are 20 and 14.

Says if doesn't work out that would still move up there and I said why would you do that???

You need to be HERE to see DS.

"I could FaceTime him every day and come down every other weekend"

Me: no that's not happening. If you're not with her then there's no need for you to be so far away from him! You'd have to get a place down here where he can get a bus to school. If you had him a couple of nights then there'd be no need for you to pay child support.

Then he panicked and said no way he could afford a place on his own. I said I would help him if it meant that he could have an active relationship with our son.

Then as you've all already said: true colours started to emerge and he hit out with how this is his house too. And when I said about how he's paid no mortgage or bills, his response was "That's irrelevant"

He also didn't correct me when I said that I think he's messed about online for the whole of our marriage. So there's no going back now.

He told me he still loves me. And did a load more crying. I said that he may love me but isn't in love with me or he could never have done what he's doing.

Told him that he needs to start telling people, he can't continue coasting with no changes to his life after chucking a bomb under mine. That's not fair. He agreed.

Not telling my elderly parents - no need to upset them and have them worry. He agreed.

Admitted that he hasn't told anybody bevahse this way he can pretend it's not happening. I just gently pointed out that after this now, it is over. Completely finished and there's no going back. So he needs to tell people and sooner rather than later no matter what happens with her.
He agreed.

Told him that he needs to make his mind up what he's doing asap and we start ball rolling for the divorce, custody and financial arrangements.

He's up there from Friday to Wednesday and I reminded him that under no circumstances whatsoever is our son to meet the woman.

I know a lot of you will disapprove of my approach or think I'm being naive and open to abuse. But this is the person that I am. I want our son to have a loving relationship with both of his parents and to be happy. I even want HIM to be happy. Life is too short to be consumed with bitterness. I just feel unutterably sad that it's come to this.

I will definitely see a solicitor. I will definitely do whatever I need to in order to keep this home. I told him my fears of him not doing right by us. He was upset (again) at any thought that he would treat us badly - I pointed out that who would have thought he'd do what he's doing to us now. And that people change when it comes to divorce etc.

He's downstairs now doing his washing for his trip. I shouted down the instructions of what to put with what and on which cycle etc.

Yes, he's pathetic. Yes, I am too. But please don't judge me too harshly. I'm trying to make my way forward in the best way that I can.

Was you surprised about his comment that he has already made even before he has moved out apparently indicating a stake to his claim in your house?

This is alarming.

Surprised and horrified

I don't think you're pathetic at all, OP, I think you're amazing and very strong. What a pitiful little man he is.

"Her children are 20 and 14"
Oh I expected them to be much younger if she was a schoolgirl (16?) when he left 14years ago? Or is that what he told you?

How old is she?

Well done for being firm.
You are right about him being so immature.

He doesn't know how old she is. Says about 38.

Oh dear.

He couldn't even manage to get an affair right.

How long did him leaving you last? Not even 48 hours.

OP you can do better than this guy.

He's a cocklodger, and unfortunately you've just found that out.

That also means he is going to try and take you for every penny to spite you, because you deciding you've had enough 'isn't fair to him'.

I have a funny feeling this is going to be a particularly nasty divorce.

He's just about to realise you are deadly serious and he's just made the biggest mistake in his life and he's about to lose his free lunch and he will lash out accordingly.

Remember how he cast you aside without a second thought and the moment he realises he jumped the gun with Little Ms Tik Tok, he's come straight back to you begged for forgiveness because he thinks you are that much of a doormat and that stupid.

He's about to flip flop between begging for you and being angry and trying to put you down and be emotionally abusive to you in as many ways as he can, when he doesn't get what he wants.

I think you need to be cautious here. You may want to do this as nicely as possible for the sake of you son. He's not going to do that though. Your son is collateral damage. He didn't stop to think about the impact on his son about running off 300miles to be with Ms Tik Tok. So he's not going to start thinking about your son now. He will be selfish and callous.

The house will be the start of it - he'll go after it without thought to the impact on your son or whether he can provide for your son, if he does do that.

Be mindful of all this and protect yourself accordingly.