Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

@stomachcramps sorry but there is no way you are going to sail through this!!! more often than not, the ex decides that he should really get what he is entitled to usually with the push of his new partner, especially if she is a skint young mum eyeing him as the new bankroller for her life and her kids! you have stated that he is the lead name on the mortgage so how do you think he is going to feel if he does not get what he is thinks he is entitled to, no matter whose account actually paid the bill?? dont know if this will work but have you thought about asking him to sign something to the effect that he will NOT go after any part of the house so your joint adopted son does not have his life affected any more than necessary? he will definitely not go lightly and you need to prepare for the dirty fight which will inevitably begin very soon. None of this swapping cars for the finance. find out yourself the true value of each and then go from there.

Had a conversation this morning.
Most of talking from me and lots of tears and 'I don't knows' from him.
I asked him what she had said:
"That I should have waited"

"Where will you live?"

"I don't know"

I reiterated that he cannot, and will not live here with me in limbo whilst he cooks up his plans for his future with somebody else.

So the lines have been drawn, I'll get onto the finer details when he goes tomorrow.

In the meantime it will be a case of shove down the hurt, grief. Bury the man I thought I had and keep reminding myself that he is not my friend.

He is the enemy and I'll have to kill him with kindness whilst subtly shoving him out the door with not much more than the clothes on his back and the keys to a car.

I feel sick to my stomach and so very hurt. But this is the situation I find myself in.
It's horrible but it won't change. And even if he would want to make a go of it, that would only be because his other plans have failed.

I have to accept that it's over, harden my heart and protect me and my son from any attempts at worming his way back.

Presumably he did all the trauma training you did, went through the arduous selection process. He has no excuse not to understand what he’s done.

You are doing so well OP. Keep that resolve.

So she has already told him he should have waited? I bet she really isn't that interested in him and was just having fun. Well he sunk his own battleship there.

And even if he would want to make a go of it, that would only be because his other plans have failed.

Remind yourself of this any time you feel yourself weakening, because it's spot on.

OP, I mean this kindly and not in reference to your age gap, but honestly your relationship sounds more mother and son than a partnership between two equals.

Thanks again to everybody for all the support and all the advice.

Also she definitely isn't an old flame. She would've been a school girl at point he left fourteen years ago.

Blimey, how old is she if he's mid-30s?

Reading your posts... You are way too good for him,always have been. This man is going to end up old and alone living in fantasy's land.

He has lost a strong woman here. OP your life.woll great without him bringing you and your child down. Just got to get through this tricky part.

You can change your car title to your name online. Just saying.

I reiterated that he cannot, and will not live here with me in limbo whilst he cooks up his plans for his future with somebody else.

Please, please, get this out of your head!
He will eventually get some advice from a solicitor, parents or from a mate, that he CAN do just that. He can.
What is morally right and what is legally right are two different things, and you need to avoid the 'I'm going nowhere' stalemate.
Get him out legally, and asap. You need legal advice for this.

All this 'kick him out' 'change the locks' is bollocks. Start the legal proceedings to keep him out.

Please do go and get some advice from a Lawyer on the financial settlement of things. The starting point is usually 50/50 on assets but I think there are special circumstances with having your adopted son which may effect how things pan out. You do need to be careful with the financed car that you are not left with the debt for it if he doesn't pay for e.g. as that would go against your credit score. I know its his baby but you might be better keeping it for this reason and let him sort a new one at his expense. If he hasn't been contributing to the relationship financially - where is his money - remember he may have savings you don't know about for e.g. Everything including his hobby equipment is a joint asset - so if you have evidence of the value of those that will be helpful (photos? Pricing, receipts etc) especially as it sounds like he has several expensive hobbies and things like fishing can get really pricey. But remember that works both ways if you have things too. An inventory is a good idea and whilst he is away might be a good time with help to phot, document and price up everything. Not all divorces are easy and it doesn't take alot for things to turn, be prepared for the worst and don't get caught out.

You can speak to the Mortgage company as well and make sure they are aware of "conflict" ie the divorce, so any overpayments cant be cashed in by him without agreement, or further debt added or you be excluded from the account on his say so etc which happened to a friend of mine and she needed a court order for the Mort co to play ball (they sided with who they thought could pay!)

It'll serve him right if this is all a set up. People do that kind of thing all the time on SM now, all for views for exposing liars and cheaters. Sometimes they have teams of them behind it. The fact "she" is a lot younger than him and said he should have waited is a bit hmmmmm.

He sounds very much like my friend's husband. Perfectly happy until one day he told her he didn't want to live there any more, he'd arranged a flat and upped and left. Told her that the mortgage was due to be paid off in a couple of years, so once that was paid off (he generously confirmed he'd still pay his half), they'll sell the house and split the proceeds and each buy themselves a property with their half. Only problem is, the only thing that half the house can buy is a one-bedroom flat and he conveniently seemed to forget that he had three children still living at home!

His parents know what he's like so offered to pay off the mortgage now on the agreement that he wouldn't make his own children homeless.

There was no mention of an OW when he left, but there were suspicions. Now he's recently announced that he's moved in with someone, only 6 months after he left...

I think I finally understand the term dickhead - it really is just because they think with their dicks isn't it?? I know it's not all men, but certainly the dickhead ones!

Keep on keeping on, OP. You know that you're going to come out of this fine. He, on the other hand, has a big chance that he's going to end up living back with his parents wondering how he fucked his life up so badly.

I'd like to reiterate.

Get legal advice. From someone qualified, experienced and with a complete overview of your situation. Including your son.

It will pay for itself.

As ever some of the legal advice here is well meaning but out of context or plain wrong.

👏👏👏 Yeeeees clothes car and fucking go!! You need that house in your name! You are absolutely correct in every word you've said and more that reasonable. 👏

Definitely get legal advice asap and start divorce proceedings. Adultery means the divorce will be quick.
the OW isn’t happy…that doesn’t bod well. You want him gone, not trying to stay after she dumps his sorry arse.

Omg what did he say in regards to hes frankly lovely parents.

You're spot on with this and everybody says it.
I've accepted it since early on because we loved each other so much.
All relationships have their flaws and ours was that imbalance of maturity and intellect.

I have my son and my lovely home and we've had a good run at it. Twelve years from a marriage that had I not been so besotted would never even have gone ahead.

What's that saying? Fool me once etc...

I've learned. I really have. And no matter how much it hurts and how much I may want to I'm never going back now.

She said he should have waited! No surprises there. She is probably thinking wtaf?!?! And has no idea what she has let herself in for. He’ll probably try and meet up with her when he’s at his parents and this little fantasy of theirs will come crashing down before the weekend is done.

He's 44 and I'm just shy of 50.
Age gap feels much more because he's so immature.

I don't even view that as an age gap the gap Is purely the levels of emotional intelligence

Unfortunately not the case any more since divorce rules changed ... OP will have to do the 20 week wait like everyone else. Agree that legal advice asap is important tho.

God she sounds a right piece of work too, instructing him on how best to abandon his wife and child. I don't use this word often but what an absolute bitch. I really hope she's a catfish tbh.

PPs are right that you need legal advice yesterday, sounds like she's right in his ear and you might see him change very quickly from reasonable and guilt ridden to "I will take you for everything you've got" if she pushes him to. His desire to take the path of least resistance now means he'll want to keep HER quiet and happy, not you and your child. He's a coward.

I don't know you and we'll likely never meet, but I think you're incredible, brave and a kick ass mother, and if I were your friend or family member I'd be so fucking proud of you.

I asked him what she had said:
"That I should have waited"
"Where will you live?"
"I don't know"

Oh my giddy aunt! They've never met, he's told his wife he's leaving and she's told him he should've waited. This shiny new relationship he thought he was stepping into is a house of cards.