Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

This is exactly what happened to me. They were living together within 6 weeks of him leaving.

What Court thinks is irrelevant if @stomachcramps and her ex reach agreement between them. He will need independent legal advice for the agreement to be binding. Obviously any good lawyer will advise him if he is giving up his entitlements, which is why it is advisable for OP to move quickly.

I would be very wary of letting him take your son on this trip. Who knows what your husband will tell his parents when you’re not there. I wouldn’t put it past him to tell your son the news when you’re not there, or arrange a “surprise” meeting with the OW.
The “coincidence” of her living near his parents is very suspicious.

He’s bloody awful, echo everyone else saying see a solicitor as soon as possible

No way I can help OP but I just wanted to say how fab you are.

Firstly, you are amazing, I have no doubt that you and your son will come out of this stronger and just all round better off.
Do not underestimate him though, he's not daft. He's managed to be supported by you for all these years after all and made you feel responsible for him. He's smarter than you think. Plus, once the OW realises she has a dud, she will want compensating and she will be the one he tries to placate. They will come after you then.
Legal advice, strike while the iron is hot and play nice while you are doing so. You can do this.

I would be very wary of letting him take your son on this trip.

I agree with this. At his parents and close to OW, but far from OP who he has informed he is 'leaving, soon'. He could tell DS a pack of lies and simply not bring him back, or not right away.

Be very careful, OP. Everything you are feeling and doing is understandable, but if you are at all able, you need to stay cold and practical and sober and very, very organised. Not tomorrow, not next week. Right now.

Great sister! Please tell everyone. You'll need them. It's tempting to keep secret and private; hurt, shock and embarrassment can make us retreat to hide, but support from everyone who loves you will be key.

Just be careful how you word things - you don't want the 'see what I had to put up with, she's crazy' narrative to get any fuel.

I'd stop speaking to him at all, other than childcare business, and avoid being around him. He's already twisting what you've said and done since the news.

Again - legal and financial advisor appointments today. You may be surprised what else you'll learn about his true character soon, and you'll need them too. All legal and financial advice needs to come from them, not Mumsnet!

Tell his parents today what he's done. He will be painting a different picture. They need to know the devastation he's wrought. A frosty reception should be waiting when he gets there.

Ask them to keep your DC with them if he goes to meet her, dont let him take him along. ( I wouldn't be surprised if he intends this.)

And because I have a very nasty streak I'd be messaging his line manager too 😈

He may find when he is facing the reality of living with a young stranger and her children who loathe him, plus furious parents nearby and his own children 300 miles away that having is not the same thing as wanting.

Again, beware the scuttling back likelihood. I would strongly advise you to finally discover your common sense when it comes to what you'll put up with from him, to decline and put up the barriers.

Just reading your updates @stomachcramps and if your husband wants to work out his notice period before heading off for his new life with his TikTok totty, he needs to live elsewhere during that time. Otherwise you're pretty much talking about duration of the school summer holidays and it's going to be beyond confusing for your DS. You don't want husband actually leaving at the same time he is starting secondary, but that could likely coincide with the notice period ending.

To echo others though, you can get through this and you will. You might not think it right now, but your inner steel is coming across in every post. Somewhere down the line – and I'm guessing it will be weeks, not months! – your STBXH is going to rue the day he lost you.

I echo the comments advising you to play the long game. Be clear what your long term priorities are and act accordingly. It will mean letting some stuff slide, and that may stick in your craw, but it will work to your benefit in the long run.

My sister didn't learn to do this. Her ex was a total shit. Promised her the moon on a stick when he was in the guilts of having an affair with a friend of ours family. My sister then queried stuff in the agreement, he got pissed off so he didn't sign. It took years before they had anything agreed and each version got worse for her. She still hasn't learned her lesson to pick her battles.

So, be wounded, but not annoying or angry at him. Say how worried you are about the future for your son, it is making you sick. Activate any shred of decency he might have left.

Work with a lawyer to come up with what you need to live the life you want with your son and then go after it. Be warned tho, orders can be altered after 12 months, so it is in your interests to get as much as you can at the start.

I also agree with him not taking your DS on the trip, because it gives him too much opportunity to control the narrative and fill DS' head with lies. You don't want him spinning a 'Stomachcramps neglected me' line and making out that it's your fault he had to seek comfort elsewhere.

My sister didn't learn to do this. Her ex was a total shit. Promised her the moon on a stick when he was in the guilts of having an affair with a friend of ours family. My sister then queried stuff in the agreement, he got pissed off so he didn't sign. It took years before they had anything agreed and each version got worse for her. She still hasn't learned her lesson to pick her battles.

FFS.
For goodness sake do not query what the man wants! Learn your lesson woman. Keep him happy.

Men don't leave. Men work and work on the situation by working together and being honest and if both them and their partner then decide to seperate, they put everything they can in place to make it easy on the family and what's best in the long term. Little Teenage boys in men bodies are the ones who just walk out the door. In the same light that women stay try to stay, so do true men. they know that life isn't roses, that when one of you is hurting it's time to step up, if you see a nice looking lady on the street and you are caught looking, you don't deny it, and you also don't get jealous if your misses looks at someone. You know love can get you through most things, and patience can get you through most of the rest. Unfortunately there aren't many men around. I've personally de-friended quite a few men who have cheated on their partners and told them why, but I know a few men who are divorced, miss being in the relationship, make sure they have a good relationship with their children, have a civil relationship with their ex, and most importantly don't use the children as a go between or a bargaining tool.
How he has treated his family is appaling, and there are no excuses, but I would suggest that i you are in a relationship with a man child, then you will always have to correct his behaviour,because hejust wants his pseudo mummy to get his food, clean up after him, give him his pocketmoney and of course want her to put him first above the children and allow him to get his way with his psuedo mummy. You can try to teach him to be a man, but you are fighting a big battle which you may easily loose, because he'll go onto the next target.
Women out there, please teach your daughters that ufortuntaely if they break up a family because they are attracted to the man, then they will be in the same situation themselves 10 years later.
Rant Over about my own sex.

@elderqueen please don’t demean yourself like that.
You are worth more.

Kick him out now and get a lawyer.

Key points to note here (which others have pointed out but which you really have to believe)..

1. He is the enemy and he will turn on you the second he is with "her" and the guilt bubble pops.
2. Deal with the car situation now, even if it means swapping cars. Clean it up or it becomes a bone of contention.
3. WHY you are divorcing means nothing nowadays. It is no fault divorce so it purely comes down to assets and finance. The combined income of the house is labelled marital assets and will be divided equally unless there are compelling reasons, but in order to put those forward you will need a Shit Hot Lawyer and a lot of money so it may not be worth it (depending on your financial situation)
4. Get a Shit Hot Lawyer NOW! Get the ball rolling NOW! I can't stress this enough. You have a tiny advantage so make the best use of it. When the guilt bibble pops it's every man for himself.
5. Don't rely on knowledge of the man you knew when making decions because you won't believe how fast he can change and also he will have someone whispering in his ear as well as a lawyer (if he has any brains).
6. Get promises in writing, even if it's text. The PP who suggested a spreadsheet is absolutley right
7. Get him out and change the locks. Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries. Put them in place now and stick to them. You and your son need a safe place. When the hurt really sets in knowing he can't come near you will be a huge comfort.

I'm so sorry this has happened, and I know how utterly devestating it is to be blindsided like this, however you need to mummy tiger this. Protect your assets for your son and get rid of this poison in your life asap.
Much love xx

Brace yourself for their baby announcement in the next year.

Yes I also wonder did he already know her? Did they go to the same school or something? Surely it’s not a coincidence that she lives near his parents 300 miles away.

Glad you’ve support IRL OP. As others have said move fast while he’s feeling guilty. Get a lawyer who will fight for you.

as far as his story goes I’m suspicious about the proximity of the OW to his parents..I wonder if there is history there you don’t know about. It’s bizarre to leave when you’ve not even met the sparkling new woman in person. Mind you…it’s a waste of energy trying to figure out bat shit which your STBX clearly is. Sounds like he’s been a millstone for quite some time.

I know this really is irrelevant but...

He hasn't paid toward the mortgage, no, but it's irrelevant as when I sold my old house we bought this one jointly and he's the lead name

Why? What possessed you to do this.

This is why I suggested writing down all your thoughts and feelings each day so that if he does try to wheedle his way back into your affections, turning on the waterworks etc, you can look back at exactly how you felt and the effect it had on your son. The passage of time can make you forget the hurt he caused, never mind all the trouble and upheaval and all the other emotions you will go through.

The end of a relationship is a grieving process and you will go through all the stages and if he catches you at a very vulnerable time you may, in a moment of weakness, decide to take him back.

There is more chance of winning the lottery than of this "relationship" lasting so you need quite a few tools to stop him from conning you again.

Stay strong and get all these jobs sorted now, finances and solicitors etc, while you are still in the angry phase. Once the adrenalin wears off you will lose the drive you need to deal with it.

I was thinking that too

Together since 2010
Married 2012
Deposit from him = zero
Payments made by him to mortgage = zero and no transfers to my bank either that could be construed as such.
Extension to house = me.
Contribution from him = zero

None of the 'contributions from him = zero' matters if you're married though as all assets are considered to be shared. Everything you've earned since the two of you have been married are marital assets and the starting point for negotiations is that he's entitled to half. Get legal advice asap, but don't assume that just because you paid for things that they're yours. When you're married, half of everything is basically his - house, earnings, pensions, you name it.

The fact she lives so close to his parents is suspicious. The whole 'never met, just seen on Tiktok' thing may be an absolute lie.

And his parents - while they may be horrified, he's still their son. If it lasts, she'll be his partner. And if she does get pregnant they'll be the grandparents. Be prepared to see this new family unit form 300 miles away. Cultivate your own.

I’m sure someone on here has already said as much, but if the finances for you keeping the house don’t work, do ask your solicitor about a Mesher Order to enable you to stay out until your son is 18/leaves education.

They are quite unusual these days but I would imagine you stand a better than average chance of being awarded one on grounds of stability given your lad’s background.

Also if you can get maintenance agreed in a legal document rather than informally or via the CMS, do it and make sure it includes an obligation to continue to support your son should he go to uni. If you go via CMS mainenece stops at 18/end of sixth form.

You (and your little sister) sound amazing. Wishing you the best of luck for the future free from this absolute joker.