Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

Hi, OP.
You are a professional so you know the value of getting professional help; that is the only way to go. When deciding how to approach things, try and think long-term as well as short-term.
You have the value of a few days to get all your paperwork in order and copied if possible. The paperwork relating to the house purchase, your initial payment, and mortgage payments are especially important. Organisations often want copies of paperwork so it is useful to have them to hand. Make sure he does not have access to your finances.
As soon as he has actually gone, change the locks.....He may well come rolling back in a few weeks time looking sheepish. As far as posible, all communication should be via solicitors.
Finally, and am probably going against the grain, but don't drink alone unless you really can stick to a single glass. It really won't help. That was a valuable lesson I learned.
Good luck

F

@stomachcramps - I've not read the whole thread, but I've read all your posts. Just wanted to mention a couple of resources that you may find useful:

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Family solicitors' websites (in your jurisdiction)

Getting divorced can get very expensive very quickly. Doing your homework will pay dividends.

💐

That was my first thought. He is going to come crawling back after he finds that life is not Camelot.

I hope that @stomachcramps will not let him back in if he does come crawling back.

This is 100% a reflection of the husband's character. If he was unhappy, he could have communicated, could have left but instead he chose to cheat. It is unacceptable and not OP's fault.

Yes, @stomachcramps. Your H is an entitled, self-serving cheat who has been conducting an emotional affair with his new cyber playmate. Besides the flattery and ego-boosting, there will have been a sexual component with explicit exchanges/videos.

His abandonment of his vulnerable child and you, his devoted Wife who has given him an abundance of deep love and support — to pursue this superficial infatuation with a stranger — is truly appalling and sickening.

I assume that H will rendezvous with OW during the upcoming trip, having reported to her that he is now separated. As he is currently in thrall to her and is trashing DS’s well-being, I wouldn’t put it past him to introduce DS to her as a ‘friend’ and perhaps include her children on an outing. If so, that plan needs to be blown out of the water pronto.

If the solicitor advises a legal remedy to eject him from the home, I would follow that path. After nuking the marriage/family, how dare he throw you into a torturous limbo waiting for him to leave at his convenience. I figure he is currently hedging his bets. If his test drive this weekend is disappointing or if things in Paradise soon go sideways, he’ll attempt to slither back to you. He needs to be permanently gone asap.

@stomachcramps, you are clearly a fierce and fantastic mother who is completely in sync with what your precious boy needs to feel safe, so he can soar. You and he will help each other navigate this trauma, moving from strength to strength. Perhaps a children’s counselor can provide support. Your H will live to regret his destructive choices, but it will be too late.

Very much keep your cards to your chest and let him freely speak so you know where he's at. It's not worth playing games or arguing if that means you won't walk away with what you deserve.play the long game as hard as that might be!

He doesn't want to hear how you feel because that would mean facing the consequences of his own actions.

I just wanted to add, you sound AMAZING
good luck from the other side of the world xx

You need to try and stop seeing him as the man you married with all his good qualities. Instead make a list of all the reasons of all the things you dislike and anything bad he has done. Then any time you feel like wavering and feeling sorry for him, just go and read the list.
This will keep you in the right mindset for a fight.

Also think about how much the fight over money will impact you mentally. If negotiations end up with you getting say 57% of everything, but you hoped for 60%, is it really worth it?
The toll it can take is huge, when you have an ex dh constantly fighting. Make sure you get a realistic solicitor who takes these things into account and not just racking up hours and bills for you.

What's the betting that he goes to see this woman when visiting his parents, realises that she not the lovely, shiny, new thing he thought and then wants to come home with his tail between his legs - silly silly man

I’m so sorry OP, you will be in shock and thoughts all over the place. 💐He really is a short sighted and very very selfish twat.

This person is right, 70/30 is much more likely if you have the bulk of childcare and stay in the child’s home. Courts are focussed on the child’s needs. A good family law solicitor is paramount now, and choose really carefully, don’t just go to the first one that can fit you in, or does a free first session. Because although money is important of course, what is much more important is deciding what is in your son’s best interests. And given that your immature twat of an ex is quite clearly unable to do that, in your position I’d be driving this and getting a set in stone childcare order agreed before anything else. He will be so consumed with guilt that he’ll agree to anything, his new fancy fluff won’t be pushing for him to have his child a lot so you’ll easily get whatever you want. At 300 miles away 1 or 2 weekends a month is the best he can hope for. I’m so sad for you, but especially your son, the disillusionment he’s about to face when having to absorb the fact that his dad is choosing to live 300 miles away from him will be crushing 😔

You will be his world from now on OP, I’ve been there and done that, and have a now adult DS who is my best bud. You can do this!!

Me too, I'd gladly help with that. Too many men like this!

Moving In with somebody you've never meet is absolutely insane I've a theory that it's a man sat in Nigeria asking for gift cards really lol

I agree with this he's on longer the man you married I've been through something of having to grieve for a person who's character completely changed it was like he'd died.

I've just read this thread. I've no advice OP other than to say stay strong. You sound like an extremely kind & caring person. When people you trust do the dirty on you it can be so easy to become bitter and angry at the world. Always remember it's this individual, your DH, who is the person with a personality disorder & ultimately you are better of without him in your life. If it's any consolation there is no way his relationship with this wayward female will last. He is the one who will be licking his wounds when yours have healed over & you've met someone who deserves your love & care.

I've read some batshittery on here but this is up there with the worst of it.

He will get nasty when he realises he's lost his cash cow and his filtered tiktok fancy piece is fucking high maintenance.

Ducks in a row my girl, head held high and don't yield to this man child.

Difficult to impossible I would say. Why would a finance company want to change the person legally responsible for making the payments from solvent you to a man about to resign, become a carer and have no fixed abode? Get advice from your solicitor on this when you get one. It might is easier (even if not desirable) to keep your own vehicles.

How are you this morning OP? I hope you have slept and are managing to eat etc. Great advice on here. We are thinking of you.
Your plan of keeping your cards close to your chest and pretending to play along is good. If you want an amazing realistic supportive lawyer Oxford way do DM me - I went through 3 weak ones before I found her, with a very extreme case re finances and child access issues some years ago. Finding one who cuts through the crap and advises you properly may be higher per hour but is worth it in the long run.
Once STBX starts realising the impact of this on his financial stability he may become more difficult, so good to get your plans set up.
I second the advice on writing a list of his faults and the advantages of not having to live with him. Mine stretched to a very extended doc once I started and now makes me smile at what I don't have to put up with any more.

OP stay strong. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve read all your posts but not all the other comments.

just to say that that your DH may realise sooner than later that the new woman in his life perhaps isn’t all that great after all! Once he comes crawling back and you refuse him, he might then start to claim all that he is “entitled” to. Either to set up a new life for himself or to guilt trip you into taking him back.

I know you’ve mentioned certain personality traits - but once the divorce ball is rolling people can change beyond recognition.

I don’t know how quickly you can move with getting a financial agreement in place BEFORE you divorce? My DB did this with his ex wife and the divorce 2 years later was almost a formality as all the childcare and finances had been sorted. I’d try and get a phone consultation with a (shit hot) solicitor today if you can.

You are a teacher and a higher earner than him... .Wow he offers very little. I'd like to offer some advice as someone who was adopted himself (at a very young age) but also a foster carer to a girl who has been through it all (3 years older than your DS). In my opinion it is far more important for the cild to be in a love filled home, rather than 2 parents who are struggling. You now have the opportunity to show your DS how to be a bette team of you and him, rather than you, him and a "man" who is more interested in sparkles tha love. You will find your life is a lot easierwith the two of you, and I hope that with some support from school OR perhaps a private counsellor that your son will know a couple of very important things. 1 - This is not his fault in the slightest, it is adultsmaking silly childish decisions. No child made this decision, nor forced / caused an adult to make this decision. 2 - That you and him are going to be fine in the long term, and that you both will have wobbles, and that he can always talk to you, or his friends and then if you or him are having an emotional day, then that's fine as long as we try to not to take it out on each other.
I'm not saying that you would take it out on him, but he's a teen boy now, and is likely to take out his percieved abondonment on you, because his real target "dad" isn't there. He needs to know it's not right to, but it's understandable. Having just dealt with a situation for my sister, where one of her girls took it all out on mum, rather than the person who was in the wrong, it's difficult, and she's now started to realise.
Let him go with your blessing. It's better to accept it now, deal with the legalities and then breath, and wish you had been the one to blindside him.
The problemis, there was something that drew you to him and you shouldn't deny yourself that, but you may look back and note that the thing that attracted youhasn't really been there for a while. Which just would prove that he was showing only his best side, and not his trueself. It's not because you are now older, it's not because she uses tictoc or has filters on her screen, it's because he is a teenage boy and he has not acted like a father (forget him not acting like your husband, but not even as a father). He's clearly had enough time to form a relationship with this person instead of perhaps helping and being there to help his son.
I don't want to defend the OW, but it is possible she has been fed a bunch of lies. Also the likelyhood of him randomly going onto tictoc and him randomly seeing her "stream" (euphamism) is low. I wouldn't be suprised that there is more to how they met and when.
Good luck, but you are better of away from him, and I honestly think so is your DS.

Hey @stomachcramps. Just wanted to send love and solidarity. My stbxh left me out of the blue in January for someone 15 years younger than him, and I'm just starting to come out the fog now.

The use the ol' MC cliché, getting your ducks in a row is important right now.

Emotionally, day by day, or hour by hour if you need to. Grey rock all the way and surround yourself with a good support network.

So sorry you're going through this x

I am so sorry you're going through this. You have amazing advice from everyone here.

Good luck.😔

Now she's on board - my little sister who is an absolute animal when it comes to protecting family - we can all sleep easy

my one piece of advice having been through this is to not see it as a fight when it comes to finances. Think logically and practically. Being angry doesn’t get you anywhere. A court will want to see a fair split of equity and it’s best to work towards that. Otherwise it’ll destroy you.

also please don’t change the locks this is illegal as it’s his house and will reflect badly on you if it does go to court

My partner of 7.5 years left me 2 weeks ago for a younger version, 17 years younger than him. They are already having sex. She suspect mental health issues /trouble my intuition tells me, he's not seeing it. Ive been in agony unable to eat sleep for first week finally gaining acceptance now and let go a lot . Told him I will have him back when its over. Im 55 hes 49 OW is 31

Is there any possibility he’s already with her and the story about going to meet her for the first time isn’t true? Just asking, as men don’t tend to leave unless they have something certain to go to.