Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

How easy is it to transfer the agreement into his name?

So he's leaving you and your adopted son to move in with a woman who lives 300 miles away and has two kids.

Who he has never met!!!

Wow.

Cos that's going to end happily ever after!!!?! Oh dear.

OP look on the bright side. You get to see this car crash unfolding and get to laugh about it.

I would put money on his coming back to you and saying he made a terrible mistake at some point.

The fact he can't be arsed about his own child is telling. How do you think he's going to be taken by two kids who broke up their mum and dad? And his new mrs having to work out the childcare arrangements.

THEN he's going to have the reality check of having to pay maintainence in full to you, because he's not going to be doing 50:50 is he?

You really are best shot of this dickhead. And you WILL get the last laugh.

He's living in cloud cuckoo land.

My dm marched my df to a solicitors within a week when she found out about his affair.
He felt guilty and signed the house over to dm.A month later he deeply regretted it.

and this doesn’t happen. A judge wouldn’t allow one person, especially a low earner to be left without adequate income or housing after a 14 year marriage. ‘Signing a house over’ is a fantasy

Honestly op there’s so much bad financial advice on this thread - however well meaning. Just use this for emotional support and find a good solicitor who will help you with the realities of the situation.

You're so right. I never believed he would treat us like this.
I stupidly messaged him and said: you've never even once asked how I am.
He replied that he'd been to see me loads and I won't speak to him.
And then I repeated: you haven't once asked me how I am.
He said: I can see how you are.
I said: Christ that's cold
Him: I don't want to upset you even more than I have.

Bloody hell - changing already. This is beyond horrible.

I'll have to protect eveything for me and my son. He obviously doesn't give a shiny shit about us. Just about his shiny new toy.

It would depend on his credit rating I would think. The finance company would likely carry out checks to see if he is suitable for credit.
I would be careful in what you tell them in the first instance as they can terminate an agreement with no arrears if the T&C’s haven’t been adhered to (like fronting an agreement or not having insurance etc) so maybe best call up under the pretence of enquiring if your husband could take over the agreement as opposed to it’s his car, it’s just in my name. Hope that makes sense xx

I'm 50 next month.
He's a fair bit younger.
This is my second marriage. First husband was decent when we split.
Suppose I'm hoping for same.

Do you, or anybody else know?
How does it work if I buy him out?
Do I just need to give him 50% of the equity?
I tried an online quicky thing last night with my current mortgage provider and it was a decline.
Just not sure of the practicalities when it comes to the house.

pick your battles @stomachcramps

Playing hardball over the car right now may not be in your best interests.

I assume your priorities will be
(1) keeping full custody of your DS
(2) keeping the house ownership snd getting as big a slice of your asset pool as possible.

Don’t piss him off over the car if it endangers these priorities.

Let him keep paid off car and if you can afford to, keep the financed one. You can trade it in when the dust has settled He sounds pretty dumb so you can use this as leverage for the house.

He also sounds like he can’t afford child support so sell him on handing over equity so he “doesn’t have to worry about that.”, “I know you love DS and will want him to stay here with me, this way you don’t need to worry about bills etc”

It’s entirely possible a lazy dumbarse like him might go for 50:50 to avoid financial liability. Imagine if your DS had to go to the new house with OW regularly, even if it were coal, it would be awful.

Box clever

I see that funny green face and I assume you disagree. 🙂 Of course it’s you prerogative to do so and I respect that.
But let me ask you this. Don’t you think this whole situation makes no sense? How old is this guy? His “affair” is a JOKE. He’s been talking to someone online for 5 weeks to make himself feel better because he feels “lonely” and “misunderstood”. Btw his new gf is probably some teenager bored to death catfishing him. lol
Or, maybe it is actually some newly divorced confused woman who’s trying to get a new man asap because she doesn’t know how to live alone. Who knows?
Very desperate and not sexy, I cannot see how this would attract anyone.
Either way my question is, how stupid can one really be? Is it possible that he is serious about leaving his wife of 14 years (who clearly is commited and loves him) and his still young child and going 300 miles away to be with some loser he hasn’t even met? I mean they never had coffee, let alone sex? I don’t think an average man with an average intelligence would do that, ever. There is no way he can be THIS STUPID. Is there?
The only time I can see someone could find this online gf attractive is when they have issues of their own worth. If they were in a relationship with a partner who is strong and independent and doesn’t need them. I see that he’s not paying for much so he’s not a sole provider at home. This can take a toll on man’s ego. Maybe he thinks he can be that other woman’s “hero” and provide? I don’t know. It still doesn’t add up.
I really believe he needs help from a professional mental health provider.

You don’t have to give him 50% of anything if he agrees otherwise, but yes the position at law is 50:50 split including your pension, so you need to be strategic.

Great insight. Particularly that you have been through this with an adoptive child.
Thank you.
I just need to get my head around it.
My best friend has turned on me. I need to see him as the enemy.
Not finding it easy.
But I'll need to get on board fast.

Ah, well that is when you say "Well you may have changed your mind, but I havent changed mine. Off you pop".

ETA - Obviously you dont say that until AFTER you have seen proof that he has utterly jetisoned Little Miss TikTok.

You’re not listening to me. It makes zero difference if you sign the car into his name. You have joint assets and joint debts. Period.

stop getting shitty half arsed legal advice on here and speak to a solicitor.

She doesn't have to listen to you. I certainly wouldn't, even if you turned out to be an expert in this field, due to your horrible, condescending tone and manner. Take your shitty attitude elsewhere.

@WittyCat - you joined just to post to me.
That's so bloody nice.
Thank you very, very much.
I'm going to read back over the whole thread tomorrow when I'm not drunk---- so tired.

Depends when this happened. If he signed an agreement that due to divorce, she will get the house, I can see it being accepted in court. Its (relatively) recently that financials are looked into with more detail than they used to be, as it was assumed that the man was the higher earner and would "look after" his ex and kids.

I got divorced in 1998 and I was the higher earner, and we didnt have to do a financial arrangement, the divorce was just rubber stamped, job done.

Been following throughout. Just had a thought of when it all falls apart with OW (and it is when not if) chances are he will come crawling back. You’ll say no then he might be after more of your finances in the divorce for a new start. Please move quickly on this x

If he's buggering off 300 miles away he's not going to be doing any childcare which gives you a stronger position with the house, maybe more like 70/30.

50/50 is a starting point, that's all. If you've got your son then your needs are greater than his.

Will you need to reduce your hours as a sole parent? This will also work in your favour.

No, I'm not a legal expert but sadly I'm going through this so know a little bit.

Hope you're OK.

Seriously, get a lawyer tomorrow. If you don't know what you're doing with this stuff you and your ds will lose out. Don't rely on H "letting" you do anything (you don't need his permission to get what's yours) and don't take legal advice from non-lawyers. Call a solicitor in the morning.

How long have you been married.

How much was his deposit on your home and how much was yours?

They do not have joint debts. Right now, SHE has debts. And they have shared assets. Now a judge MAY decide to offset her share of the assets against the debts, but that is by no means guaranteed.

So no matter how clever you think you are, you are wrong and amazingly condescending and rude.

The irony of you saying "Stop getting half arse legal advice" is not lost, given that is EXACTLY what you are giving!

She doesn't have to listen to you. I certainly wouldn't, even if you turned out to be an expert in this field, due to your horrible, condescending tone and manner. Take your shitty attitude elsewhere.

it’s not a shitty attitude. I’m trying to cut through as there is a whole lot of inaccurate and dreadful advice on this thread. I want the op to have the best chance she can, which won’t happen if she follows some of the advice here. Condescending? Irrelevant. She needs to be laser focused and get accurate advice

They do not have joint debts. Right now, SHE has debts. And they have shared assets. Now a judge MAY decide to offset her share of the assets against the debts, but that is by no means guaranteed.

im sorry that’s really not true.

vardags.com/law-guide/divorce-finance-process/debt-divorce#:~:text=In%20a%20divorce%2C%20courts%20consider,whose%20name%20they%20are%20under.

I second this.
@stomachcramps his guilt and "playing nice" will fade faster than you can blink.
your number 1 priority should be written agreement that he doesn't want any of your assets including house/pension.
also that you will have full custody of son.
call a solicitor first thing in the morning and email him asking him to confirm the discussion you had verbally in that he doesn't want anything.

I can guarantee once he goes on Friday to meet her, his tune will do a 180