Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

how old are you @stomachcramps

It sounds to me like you have massively settled for a complete loser and tolerated behaviour that you should have walked away from long ago.

I say this with no judgement - I did the same. I stayed even after my exH hit me, emotionally abused me, constant temper tantrums and rage (smashing things etc) including in front of our young children.

There were signs of this behaviour before we got married (we were together 7 years before we married) and I chose to minimise them/convince myself I could manage them. We were married nearly 14 years. This was a sign of my immaturity and insecurity but also of my shit boundaries as a result of my upbringing.

Even when I left exH I didn’t realise just how bad his behaviour was, I had a delusional idea that we would consciously uncouple and happily co-parent. I was a boiled frog. With space and distance and talking to a therapist and my friends about the reality of my relationship and of theirs, and now being in a healthy relationship with an emotionally mature man, I have come to realise just how cooked my marriage was.

Your H will be entitled to a significant part of your asset pool and is likely to be quite greedy/unpleasant once the reality kicks in and he realises he’s losing his meal ticket. You do need to move carefully here and look to get your equity locked down asap. You catch more flies with honey - let him go, play on the guilt he hopefully feels re DS, don’t make things hard for him re his new relationship, get the house and the nice car and go on to live your best life. And get therapy. It’s changed my life. I am nearly 43, I left my ex nearly 2 years ago, since then I’ve lost weight, had a great promotion, travelled extensively, bought ex our of the family home, reconnected with the love of my life (didn’t realise he was at the time but there you go), kids are doing well. Life can be amazing.

they would - they always do

So sorry you're going through this OP. This was me 12 years ago, and many amazing Mumsnetters got me through it. It was so hard being a single mum of three but I found the love of my life who treats me way better than my ExH ever did.

And also…he has already shown you he doesnt value your feelings, wellbeing and what position he is putting you in…he is doing what’s convenient to him - staying for now because this suits him, trying to be sweet and nice so he gets what he wants and fuck with your head…if his standard of life drops down, once he realises he is worse off he will try to rip you apart for every £ he is “entitled” to

You don't think he would, but Miss TikTok is also going through a separation and might spur him on to take all he can get.

I'm not trying to scare you. I want you to come out on top.

Yeah, imagine him actually saying that out loud and not hearing how idiotic it sounds!!

I agree about getting the financial settlement organised while he is still feeling guilty and relieved that you are accepting the split. His mind will be consumed with thoughts of the OW. Once they are together, OW however will soon be in his ear about how “unfair” the financial settlement is - she will want a partner with more assets and will be urging him to get the most he can.

I would start a written document now to email back and forth to him listing all your assets and divvy them out. Then jointly agree on a solicitor to draw up the necessary documents.

Also, I have an adopted child with a traumatic background too and he was actually OK through our split and is still good, almost 6 years on. Getting counselling organised and keeping the rest of his life stable was particularly helpful. That’s why staying in the same house and same school is important, if you can do it.

Now that we have no fault divorce, it makes absolutely no difference whether he has admitted infidelity. It doesn't affect the timetable for getting a divorce at all, nor does it affect the financial settlement.

please don’t do that. It’s so disparaging to those that are actually diagnosed with Adhd
it’s a long road to diagnosis and certainly not a trait in all to have a latest craze, as you put it
ie leave his wife and child on such a whim. It’s such a leap for you to diagnose over the internet!

@stomachcramps I haven't read the full thread. However, he is clearly an idiot. Leaving you and your child for someone 300 miles away that he has only known for 5 weeks online and has never met in person is the height of stupidity. There is a strong possibility it will all end in tears for him. But that isn't your problem.

Assuming you are in England, the only form of divorce available now is no-fault divorce. The process is straightforward. You apply. 20 weeks after the court issues the application, you apply for a Conditional Order. 6 weeks after the Conditional Order the court can make a Final Order, ending the marriage.

It doesn't matter who owns what or who paid for what. Everything goes into the pot to be divided between you. It will be best if you can agree the finances between you. Consult a solicitor. Once they know all the facts, they will be able to tell you what the settlement is likely to look like. But the more you can agree between you without getting lawyers to haggle on your behalf the better. Don't waste money on legal fees unnecessarily.

Good luck.

He is going to feel a prize idiot in a very short time.

OP mentioned a few things about his memory and lack of oragnisational skills. Currently trying to sort out my own diagnosis so I could see some similarities. No offence meant to anyone and I didn't mean to be in anyway disparaging towards anyone with ADHD or offer it as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour, or be flippant either, or imply that other people with ADHD might be unfaithful, I'm not. Just commenting on a thread. It's a very sad and hurtful situation for OP.

OP, I cannot impress upon you enough that this man WILL NOT remain reasonable and let you have everything out of guilt. He is about to change into someone you don't recognise. It happened in our family. At first it was "you keep the house, I don't want anything to change for the children, it's all my fault, I feel so terrible" and within weeks he flipped the script and it was all ex-wife's fault, she was to blame, they had always been unhappy (they hadn't), he wasn't going to leave without everything that was owed to him blah blah blah.

Please, please do not be fooled into believing that he will be reasonable. He almost certainly won't. Strike while the iron is hot and take advantage of his temporary guilty conscience.

I’ve joined mumsnet just to post on your thread. I have just come out of the other side of a similar (ish) situation.

Obviously, a solicitor will tell you more but what I do know from experience (and apologies if someone has already said this) is this:

• if you want to stay in the house and you will be the main carer for your child (which you will be if he moves 100s of miles away) you can get an Occupation Order. This means, regardless of whether it is a marital asset or not, he will have to leave the house because the court will have said so.
• You need to go through court to get your finances separated - you want a Financial Order that gives you a clean break in life and death. This means he can’t come back in ten years and claim your Teacher Pension. He might not do it now but when his life is down the pan and he’s sad and lonely and broke, he will probably try and if you don’t get the clean break he will probably win.
• Get a live with order for your DS through the courts. They will decide what is in his best interests which will be staying with you in the town he’s grown up in. That way the ex can’t weaponise custody.
• apply for the divorce yourself. It’s really easy - cheaper than if your solicitor does it - and oh so satisfying when it’s done. And the best thing is with the no fault divorces it only takes about 6 months and he can’t contest it.
• watch out for litigation control - my ex did that and my legal bills ended up at 10s of thousands.

Why are so many men so disappointing?

Edited due to typo.

Good grief! 😮

In a nutshell - he really isn't a keeper, is he!

Yup.

My late husband left his first wife after she admitted to spending the night with a colleague on a work do. (He's suspected something for a while.)

Their kids were grown and had left the nest. He agreed to be civilised. They dealt with things without lawyers. She screwed him over financially and traduced his reputation to their mutual friends.

Two years later she wanted him back. (I have no idea what she told her boyfriend.)

After he and I got engaged, she tried to paint me as a scarlet woman. Cheaters often try to control everything, including the narrative.

After DH died, his DIL told me that his ex was 'devastated'. The ex is currently with Man No. 4.

You sound incredible for keeping it all together so well. I hope when DS is away and you are with friends you can let it out a bit.

What a f*cking idiot

Immediately seek legal advice. Tell your husband he needs to leave asap. Be honest with the kids. Head over to chumplady.com and follow her advice!

Well he isn't a stay at home parent, and from what I have read the spouse has facilitated her own career very well.

Honestly OP do not bank on him letting you keep the house and your pension- sorry but I’ve seen this numerous times with nice and decent (apparently) men.
Sooner or later he’ll take everything he can get his hands on.

Wow how ridiculous is he, sounds like you'll actually be much better off but it'll take time to sort things and adjust. No practical advice I'm afraid, but sounds like you're handling this in such a dignified manner.

My dm marched my df to a solicitors within a week when she found out about his affair.
He felt guilty and signed the house over to dm.
A month later he deeply regretted it.
You must get legal stuff done asap whilst he’s trying to be reasonable.
It won’t last above a few weeks.

• You can’t kick him out
• all the assets are both of yours - house, cars, furniture, pension, everything
• with a marriage this long he’s entitled to half of everything
• infidelity doesn’t make a slight bit of difference to length of time it takes to divorce or the terms of it

sorry but your getting a lot of ‘yeah, kick arse’ advice on this thread that has no bearing on reality

You're right.
What a sobering thought.

Thanks for this. I'll tell him to do the standing order and if he doesn't then I'll be up there to take the car back.