Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

Sorry you’re going through this. Just to say the period of my life when I lived alone after a break up was the happiest I’ve been I think. I loved finding myself again, doing things exactly how I like it, decorating the house how I like it, having my own peace. Also remember how exciting falling in love and dating can be, and hold on to thoughts of adventures you have not yet had. You’ll come out the other side of this so much better off, even if right now is hard

I just wanted to say the amount of times I’ve been on a date and wanted to do a complete 360. Because there is zero attraction/personality connection etc. What the hell is he thinking! It screams midlife crisis. And 300 miles without his child, who considers that?? I’m so sorry op. Maybe he is showing you his true self. It’s tough now but having been divorced I would never want to go back to the situation I called a marriage.

Same as pp have said, see a solicitor asap.

OP as other have said, be careful, he may very well turn on you. You think now that he'll be reasonable, kind. That changes. I was with what I thought the kindest, most moral man, who would never screw me over financially. That changed as soon as he realised that we were definitely over. Be hard nosed, he will be looking out for himself.

I'm just repeating...see a solicitor, like yesterday. Take a financial 'picture' with you; your respective incomes, household running costs, debts, assets.

As far as the house, buying out can be complex. It's not as simple as 'Here's half the equity, goodbye'. A solicitor will be best placed to tell you how it might work in your situation. So have the mortgage papers and the current balance owed on the house. If you can come up with a reasonably accurate estimate of what the house might sell for, so much the better.

And as for him, just stop talking to him. No "You haven't asked how I am", no nothing. Zero, zilch. There is nothing he can say or do that's really going to lessen your pain, but there is plenty he can say that will make it worse. So best to just be silent. Your silence will truly speak louder than any words you might say.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Just a thought .. If they are both going to be registered carers, having assets will probably affect what they can claim, so if that's been considered he might not go after a share of the house.
Also, she might not be the person he thinks she is if it's an online thing and they've never actually met! Catfishing/fake social media BS and all that! Not that that's your problem!!

If he's never actually met her he doesn't know that any pictures he's seen are genuine, he may be a candidate for that BBC Scammers programme, I wonder if he has done a reverse image search on her photos?

Sure.

I do really appreciate everybody who's taken the time to support me, but you're right, I'll need to get legal advice and do things properly.

Emotional affair with intent to make it physical .
leaving your marriage to move 300 miles away for another women .

its an affair

Also consider if you want to take a lump sum at 55, I did and ex didn't have a clue .

I can’t really add to the advice here but I can tell you are going to be better than ok. You’ve got what it takes, I can tell. Not to diminish from the pain he has caused though.

On the other hand he’s upending his life over some woman he hasn’t even met and who has got a recent ex and two kids he’ll have to deal with. Insane. Even as a complete stranger I can’t help a smirk at how well that’s going to go!

You sound like a fabulous mum, best to you and your ds.

Not easy. If you dont feel like eating, maybe you could get some type of comfort food and treat yourself when you're ready and throw his out the window! He's not leaving for a week or two... great... hmm. Could you ask him to stay somewhere else in the meantime? Personally it would drive me crazy to have to put up with him leaving whenever he pleases. Or if not, could you visit family for a night or two with your son? Might do you good to get the break. Only do the absolute essential jobs for now. Housework will always be there! He's a yoke

Divorce is no fault now. It's irrelevant what he's done. Unfortunately.

I'd be informing him he's leaving for good tomorrow with all his stuff, to move in with her, whether she's ready or not. Or with his parents.

I'd also be informing everyone we know including his parents what he's done because he's probably twisting the tale already now.

I'd be telling DCs the truth in an age appropriate way.

Solicitor asap and know exactly what your rights are.

Be angry. Be strategic. Get help and professional support as well as moral support from friends and experience from here.

From what you said at the beginning - he was a wrong un from the start.

You will get through this.

Fight. Keep fighting. We're here.

Its a bit cheeky and maybe even manipulative to be making you food and trying to get you to eat and making out like he cares for you after coming out with that. He's leaving on his terms too and when he wants to... you need to come away from that, if not physically then mentally. Not good for you. It might even have you liking the caring side and being vulnerable to being messed around by him. Stick to the facts in your head and dont be emotionally sucked in if possible. It could be helpful to meet up with someone for support, family, friend etc to help ground you and come back to yourself

You poor thing

Everything you write suggests he's fourteen years old.

And it's such a batshit arrangement that I can imagine it all going wrong very quickly (they've never even MET?) and him come crawling back, all 'poor-me think of the children' nonsense.

Remember everything you've written about him in all your posts, if that happens.

Can you all imagine if he is being catfished…every one single person who posted here or is following the thread would laugh so hard OP would hear us regardless of where she is based.
what a complete idiot 😳

It will be fine in time. And less work and troubles for you! Just be careful when he sees your son, if its too emotionally challenging have someone else there at drop off. If you contact womens aid, there are even places where the father can hang out with their child on neutral ground. It's not supervised as such, but there's someone else there in the office all the same and it means you can just drop your child off and go and deal with him more professionally. You mightnt need it but just to be aware

Wise words. Thank you.
Definitely a few things to think about there.
I'll definitely box clever whilst in my head I'm saying: Do you really wanna play?

I really hope he is
the satisfaction we would all feel on behalf of OP would be glorious
tbf either way it's unlikely to end well for him

Oh, do make sure you tell his parents tomorrow morning what a prize pig they have raised. Don’t leave out any details, her age, her kids, the five week romance………and tell them he will be heading their way so they might need to make up his bed.

I am listening. Just a lot to read and take on when my head is already half hanging off.
I'm not going to go half cocked on anything, I will seek proper legal advice.
I'm just asking.

You’re doing brilliantly @stomachcramps xxx