Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

Yes. But I really don't think he would.

OP you should absolutely strike while the iron’s hot (as in, he’s being reasonable) to get these agreements crystallised. Unfortunately the law doesn’t care whether someone has cheated when it comes to financial settlements, he is likely entitled to far more than he is agreeing to in these comments and you’d be surprised at how quickly someone can turn when they find out what they can get their hands on…add the new woman into the mix and I expect she will encourage him to fleece you

Unfortunately you are all right.
I don't think he would - but I never in a million years thought he'd do something as utterly treacherous and ridiculous as what he's currently doing.
So there we go,

I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do. I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.

He’s obviously an impulsive git.

He is a real contemptuous twat but you are doing the right thing. Stay calm, stay collected, stay amicable until your agreement is sorted

You’re incredible

but I never in a million years thought he'd do something as utterly treacherous and ridiculous as what he's currently doing.

I would think cheating on you at his stag do was utterly treacherous and ridiculous.

Yes! Mine did exactly this. Initially he even said he’d take on a new mortgage for me and my son and all sorts. I could have whatever equity I wanted. I believe he meant it when he said it. Until she yakked away at him. And we had to sell the house, split the equity and all childcare was on me.

He still seems to be feeling really bad. Please encourage that feeling until he has signed papers with the financial agreement you want.

a friend of mine who got divorced said that according to her divorce lawyer, the settlement often was impacted by how guilty the cheating person was in this context.

My Dad did the same to my Mum. They’d agreed a very reasonable package. Enter his new gf and he dragged my poorly mother through court for several years trying to squeeze every last penny out of her. The depths some people will go to knows no bounds

So sorry you and your mum had to go through that.

Hie is going to try to come back to you and act as if nothing has really gone on.

So don’t forget:
He cheated on you during his stag do.
He went ahead with adopting a child who had experienced trauma, knowing that he had been untrustworthy in the past and has now put the child in a further very traumatising position.
He has relied on you for money.
He lived in his parents house till he was 30.
And there various other twattish things you have noted.

You are well shot. You can be everything to your son. Don’t have him back.

Five weeks?

The pair of them must be off their tits,you're well rid of the silly bugger.

He sounds like he has ADHD. This woman is his latest craze. I'm sorry OP, it's awful what he has done to you.

I think you're being so strong, I admire you so much advocating for yourself and your ds.
As for the husband, you're better off without the waste of space, you sound lovely and he sounds like a right manbaby, if he continues to offer food etc, just say don't salve your guilty conscience by attempting to show you care when it's obvious you don't give a damn about the damage you've done.

You sound absolutely lovely and deserve so much better than a partner who cheated on you during his stag do and now plans to throw away the life you've built together for some silly bint he's "met" on TikTok. This is not the behaviour of someone who worships you. I know it's hard and you have a lot to deal with right now but please get your financial ducks in a row ASAP, whilst he is away next week and before his new woman starts interfering and pressuring him to get "what he is entitled to" i.e. half of the house etc. I very much doubt he's told her that you've paid for pretty much everything during your marriage. I'm baffled as to why his only financial contribution
was Sky and your mobiles, how is that possible?! Good luck xx

Definitely worth getting as much as you can sorted as quickly as you can - he sounds like a prize idiot, but OW might not be, especially if she’s split from the father of her her children and perhaps is a bit more clued up on the legalities than he is.

Either that or she’s as dopey as he is - we can but hope.

Be careful: he might always have taken the path of least resistance before but he may now have this woman behind him pushing him to get 'what he is owed' You say she has two children and is a carer so not a high earner; they will need a property with 3/4 bedrooms.

If he usually takes the path of least resistance, his priority will be keeping HER happy.

"Not now, but soon"?

He's leaving you for someone else and he thinks he gets to decide that? And you just accept it?

Tell him if he's going he can go now. Change the locks and get a lawyer.

So sorry you are going through this!
The finance company is very unlikely to set up a DD in his name as it will probably be in breach of your agreement. The finance holder is supposed to be the registered keeper and owner otherwise it is classed as a fronted agreement. You can cancel the DD and ask him to set up a standing order from his bank for payments however if he neglects to pay, any recovery action will be taken out in your name.
I would be looking to hand the vehicle back voluntarily or asking to transfer the agreement into his name.

I’m sorry you’ve had this to deal with but I’m sure he’ll realize he’s made a massive misjudgment and will want to come home within a month ! So be prepared for how you will act when that happens!!! He doesn’t deserve you , why are men so stupid ?The grass is not greener🤢

Great advice, especially item #2 - if you've reached out to the law firms, I'm pretty sure that means that they can't engage with your STBXH as there's a conflict of interest, even if you don't end up appointing them. Use this power tactically. Sorry you're going through this - bloody dreadful

OP i am following your thread from the beginning, what a messed up situation! I feel so sorry for you and i am sending virtual hugs. you seem to be very smart, practical and strong. You will be completely fine once you go through this shit show and hats off to you for thinking so clear.

Just want to mention, you seem to believe he is decent enough not to put you through hell regarding the house and other things…but he is leaving his wife and family, breaking it all for a chick from the internet he doesn’t even know…if he is so obsessed with her already to put you through that, he will easily put you and your son through other shit if it will make OW happy..if he is entitled to 50% or whatever large amount from selling the house, I am
more than sure she will convince him to do so and he wont hesitate…

fuck his “decency”…hope you will manage to get your ducks in a row when they are at your in-laws so he has no leg to stand on legally.