Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

It sounds OP that like your H has financially benefited a great deal from your relationship. Did you protect the money you brought into your relationship?
If he had the audacity to cheat on his stag do, end a fourteen year relationship an a fling he can’t be relied on to do right by you and your children.
Get tough. Don’t pay his bills , don’t let him walk all over you. He has abused your good nature long enough.
Pay for some good legal advice , get a legal separation before the divorce , change your will and pension etc beneficiaries so your boys are protected if anything happens to you. He has shown how little he cares for them and can be trusted.

I think out of guilt he will just let me have the house.
Once he's left he will just forget it.
He has the attention span of a gnat and the memory of a goldfish.
He will always take the path of least resistance.
He kept saying last night that I haven't done anything 'wrong' and how unfair and selfish he is.
No shit, Sherlock.
If I appeal to his better nature - he does have one, I have hopes that he will do the right thing if only to slightly assauage his guilt

I think out of guilt he will just let me have the house.

Don't rely on this. I literally saw the contempt crystallise in my ex's eyes when he realised I was going to expect him to actually pay for his kids, look after himself, and not let him just conduct the split as he pleased.

Like I say, it took 3 years to get it finalised - not even because he was being malicious, just because he was lazy and couldn't be bothered to actually engage his brain and do a deal.

He has the attention span of a gnat and the memory of a goldfish.

This makes me think that once he realises the enormity of what he’s done (and it won’t be long, from the sound of it), he’ll come back expecting you to also forget about it within minutes and move forward “as the loving, supportive family you always were”.

Don’t trust him too much, because the cynic in me says that once the novelty wears off he’ll expect you to laugh with him at his stupidity and adopt his goldfish memory so that his life and commodities don’t change.

I'm a teacher so on holiday anyway, as is my son.
DH going up to see his mum at the weekend (taking our son with him)
I won't be changing locks or anything like that.
I'll outwardly be 'normal' and especially in front of our son.
I'll get there, but I'll do it right.
Sorry if I sound abrupt. Don't mean to, thank you for your advice and taking the time to post.

Horrible selfish bastard get him to tell your son and why es going. don't protect the gobshite sorry your going through this but best to let your son process over the holidays the new school is going be hard enough get ur support in place aswell. I really hope she fucks him off and he's left with nothing and noone 5 weeks what a joke! Good luck op.

Yes, his teenage boy plan screams of something that will go tits up sooner rather than later (they've never met?!?!) and then he'll be sheepishly knocking on the door saying 'I made a mistake, darling, please take me back'.

OP, kindly, he may just be willing to roll over and "give" you the house, but what about this ridiculous other woman? What will she have to say about his potential cut of the assets, if she's the manipulative type? Keep your guard up and get everything in order.

No practical advice except to get a lawyer ASAP and ask them for advice on everything going forwards.

And to say that I'm not sorry. Best thing to every happen to you. Good riddance. One day you will look back on today and realise that it was the day your real life started. Be strong for now. You have a lot of happiness coming your way.

I think out of guilt he will just let me have the house.
Once he's left he will just forget it.

much as this would be nice to believe, there is an OW who won’t let him forget it. It’s not just the man you married you have to contend with here, it’s the woman he’s left you for.

He's ending the marriage and he gets to choose to leave with destruction in his wake. Hell no. Let him know he is staying, taking care of the kids and house and all the responsibilities. You leave. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but he is trying to escape to his GF's and leave you with all the pieces to pick up. if he has to stay, he will not get to start this new life he wants. Watch how quickly he will change his mind. Been there, done that, and it worked. My spouse finally out of the fog he was in with his AP

I know. It's embarrassing.
But, everybody who meets him is charmed by him. Hard to explain... he is so child like and people kind of indulge him.
I appreciate it really doesn't seem like it at the moment, but he honestly has spent years where he would do anything for us and so loving and caring,
He's funny and he's kind. He's good looking.
I thought we would be together forever. Apologies for the Barbara Cartland style comment, but I did. He's the love of my life. (Until I adopted my son)

Actually, I think it may be worse. I have been cheated on and have recovered my marriage. But if he had been stupid enough to leave for someone he had never met, and been mooning about like a lovesick puppy like that, I would lose absolutely all respect. At least in my case, I could understand the build up, I could see how the OW seemed like a better idea at the time. In your situation, he just sounds like a complete albatross round your neck and you will be better off without him.

It sounds like he’s gone absolutely mad. I’m shaking my head. Five weeks and they’ve never met? It’s utterly stupid. I have a feeling he’ll hit the earth with a bump in a matter of months, if not days, and realise the magnitude of what he’s ballsed up. Hope you’re doing okay.

Praying his fancy car is in your name. Is he on the deeds? Has he paid towards the mortgage?

Don't apologise, I asked and it's a good answer, although it's not something I can relate to; never liked the "boyish charm" thing.

Next time you'll find an actual man!

That's good advice. Thank you.
But, I don't care if he changes his mind.
What's done is done.
Genie out of the bottle and all that now.
Doesn't matter what we've had and how much I loved, still love, him.
It's done.

Fancy car is in my name... it's also on finance.
Other fancy car - that I drive, is in his name but is fully paid up.
That's the one really messy bit.
I'm going to contact finance company and change the direct debit details to his. Which we had planned to do anyway.

Hey OP, about this time 9 years ago I was writing similar posts from a similar situation.

It was a really tough summer in 2015, but I survived. I reckon you will too and that one day, much sooner than you predict, you'll be genuinely happy and at peace with the world again.

(In my case the young focus of his attention didn't enjoy the company of a middle-aged man in his temporary flat as much as she enjoyed flirting with him at work. By the time he realised she wasn't really interested, and he wanted to come back, I'd moved on).

He hasn't paid toward the mortgage, no, but it's irrelevant as when I sold my old house we bought this one jointly and he's the lead name.

Hmm, sticky. I’m sure a deal can be done but move quickly while he’s feeling guilty!

Why is he lead name? Presumably your original house funded this one? You have been far too bloody nice. No more Mrs Nice!

No such thing as lead name really. Joint names. But in order for you to keep the house you'll need tostrike while the iron is hot

Second the immediate legal advice. Did you know he can get a share of your pension?

Perhaps the person who left was a sahp who facilitated the career of the working spouse?

😂😂😂😂😂😂