Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

Maybe wait until after he’s arrived at theirs, in case they refuse to let him move up?

Give yourself a little moment to grieve, but then try to rally all your support around you, get shit done and show that knob that there's no way you'll let anyone play with you or your kid.
You'll be fine OP. And who cares if he'll regret it or not, you'll be free and living your best life by then.

polloneuro · Today 14:01
Depending on your relationship with them, I’d tell your in-laws so they know to expect him to stay.

Blast this wide open.

Be careful. Last thing you want is his parents telling him how dim he is, and to stay right where he is - because he has every legal right to do so.
You want him out, but you cannot force him out - ignore all the ignorant ' chuck him out' threads, you cannot do this.
Do this positively and legally. Get shot and don't leave any route back.

You and your kids lives might feel like they've been blown up but you will be fine. He on the other hand has quite possibly ruined his. I almost - but not quite - feel sorry for him because he will probably bitterly regret this.

I'm wondering if once the fantasy becomes real the Tik Tok woman will even want him. I'm sorry you're going through this nightmare, and with the added stress of having to support your already traumatised son through it. I'm an adoptive mum and I know that even the smallest of transitions can take a huge amount of scaffolding. Staying in your house will help, I'm sure. Sending you huge hugs

If he wants to leave make him go now. No waiting around for him to decide.
And when the blinkers have come off do not let him back in.

Sorry for what you’re going through, OP.

My money’s on him trying to get back with you after a few months with the new girl 🙄

@stomachcramps .You are a legend.Seriously-reading your updates made me think "proud of you" ...seriously
damn right you can do this! he sounds like a deadweight. So-you really rent losing a damn thing.
there will be wobbles,tears in the shower..and thats ok.
a\re you part of trauma informed parenting network at all.? i suspect even re read the basics would be useful at moment. Cruel as it sounds (and bloody is)-Your response/how deal with this is vital to your ds. together you both need support in
having (extreme)feelings and living through them . use all anger\energy on you both.
and a puppy....

Honest to God I have read some things on here when the husband has announced he is leaving, all heartbreaking but this is unbelievable. To ditch a ten year marriage and your son for a woman he has never met is just plain awful. As many have said, you will get through this, you sound an amazing strong woman and kick his sorry ass to the kerb

Ah, some dickhead has found a bit of excitement elsewhere and thinks it’s a forever thing.

OP, even if this new thing doesn’t crash and burn in the next year, you will get your “haha” moment in 15 years when life gets too monotonous for him again and he thinks “oh shit! I’m supposed to work THROUGH this not just jump to the next!”

He”ll be sorry at some point, even if not now

I think the situation sounds like one where its highly likely the new relationship will implode very quickly and he'll try to return with his tail between his legs.

So I'd spend a little time thinking how you are going to manage that potential situation as well as this one.

good luck. He does sound like a monumental twat.

Jeez OP what an arsehole he really is. I wonder why the delay….unless he’s being scammed. Please let this be the final nail for you, as I think he’ll have a change of heart very quickly. I also feel he’s cheated many times before, not just on his stag. You sound amazing. Sending you thoughts and strength.

He's pathetic.
Hopefully when reality hits he will really regret all he's thrown away.
But it will be too late.

What a nob and what a nightmare!

I too am an adopter and I can't imagine the species of pond scum that would do this - with a fantasy person as well.

I'm a bit unclear as to who's gone to see his DPs - you said "the boys" - so he's off seeing them with his brother? Or your DS is going with him soon? Maybe not such a good idea if your STBX is going to see the Twittock?

Anyway we are all here for you and he will be back but he's a knob and can sod right off.

On a practical note - do you have childcare? My DS has been ill and DH is retired but away for a few days and I'm WFH (DD is also adopted but not as hard to handle as DS so is in a holiday club). It's hard WFH with any child there let alone an 11 year old who is struggling.

OP, the pain right now is awful and you need time to heal and rest. But as others gave said, get legal advice ASAP. You may fund playing along until weekend trip gives you some space and then make it clear there is no return. Only you can judge this.
However, having been in an all too similar situation a few years back I know your work you have put into DS for new school will still be of value and sensitive management of situation may not be so bad. In fact I bet that you will both go on to thrive and adapt to have a wonderful life together. I appreciate that you may not see this now...but you have a chance to build on a new life without the man child to support to!
If you can afford a little holiday together and doing some fun timings I found it helped my DC...so did the kittens🙄. DM me if you fancy a chat💐

‘Ok - off you pop NOW’

grey rock apart from essential communication about kids and bills

What an idiot. I’m so sorry but 100% he will be crawling back before the end of the year

This woman lives in the next village along from his parents?

I'm so sorry, OP, but I think you need to brace yourself for bigger shocks. There are no coincidences in life. He may not have met her (doubt it) but I think he knows her or knows of her. They've both made a plan for their future together: hence the "not now, but soon", her having recently become single and having 2 DC, him a twattish arsehole. They've got it all sorted out in terms of their own next steps, and they've been talking about it for a while. 5 weeks is bullshit.

He hasn't told you the whole truth yet.

HOWEVER, it doesn't matter. None of it does, it's just details behind the one thing that does matter which is that he's left your DS and you. Seize control of the situation. Get him out. Gone. Send him to her, to his football-themed bedroom in his parents' house - wherever. He doesn't get to mess around your and your son's life like this. Make an emergency appointment for a quickie divorce, say whatever needs to be said (you have the financial upper hand) and get him out of your life. You've got 6 weeks before school starts again, your son is going to go through a lot the rest of 2024. Make him and yourself your focus, and get this man out of your mind, home and life.

On a note about your DS I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a nice transition. We were all so worried about my son going to secondary as change has never been a good thing for him and over the holidays his ticks set in cos he was so nervous. I think the set time table and structure of secondary really helped and he seems happier than he ever did at primary, so I'm hoping something similar for your son could happen x

Please ignore the kick him out posts. It's a joint mortgage and he has a right to stay (and any legal advice he gets will tell him that) - only a fool would move out before house is sold etc.(other than if your at risk).

Have not looked at all the posts but:

Finance:

• Start to get a grip on finances - joint debts, mortgage amounts, savings, pensions, etc... Work out how much equity you have when all calculated - then work on 50/50 split as a starter so you know what you can expect
• Personal debt (credit cards) is a separate thing and belongs to the person IIRC
• Assets worth over £1k IIRC need to be listed
• If you have cars on finance, work out who has what and what the settlement figs are and value
• Get all this and work on the same date - so use say 26th July as they date all these are live and stick to them. Car may go up/down in value but you cant keep recalculating
• Work out what you earn, he earns and what you may have left based on 50/50 - what can you afford in the new life? If say he earns 150k and you 20k, you could push for more in maintenance or say a 70/30 split to maintain a standard of living
• get valuations of house

Other stuff:

• Try to avoid the temptation to slag him off to all and sundry. You will still have to co-parent and it's a lot easier if you can both be adult about it no matter how silly its been. Stay off social media (on this topic)
• Start to think how to split up contents - walk round and do a list
• Think about childcare and maintenance, assume you will do most of the care
• Hard to do but thing hard, but fair, and try to keep emotions out of it
• If you can agree this between you and take to solicitor it will save thousands

What an absolute idiot. Is he being catfished? I do hope so!

Obviously it's horrible to be in this situation but from what you've written this actually presents a huge opportunity for you and your son. He now gets to see how a grown up functional adult deals.with adversity. He will see you put him first and heal yourself and he will learn so much about strength and courage and unconditional love.

I almost feel sorry for the limp-minded sexually incontinent delusional twat. He is going to regret this, very bitterly. He'll wonder what the hell he was thinking (we of course know that he wasn't thinking - at least, not with his brain), and why he threw it all away.

Maybe he'll try to come back. Who cares? Why would you want someone so stupid, selfish and nasty?

What a lovely post.

Whilst it's a lot of effort to read all the posts in a thread, could I suggest that you read just the OP's posts ("see all" under one of her posts) to stop you wasting your time giving irrelevant advice?

@stomachcramps

You have SO got this! I can actually hear your steely resolve in your typed words.

I think the first things to do would be to see a solicitor and (if you feel the need) source counseling or therapy for your DS in case he needs the extra support. You don't necessarily need to sign him up, but having the ready resource might make it faster if he does need extra support. And remember that you have made him feel loved and secure, you've given him a good foundation and a rock to lean against. He may well surprise you.

I think a solicitor is important because you are the higher earner and you own a house. You want to be sure that you come out of this in the best financial position, including buying him out of the house if that becomes necessary. I think (but am not sure) that even if you owned the house prior to the marriage, there's something in the law about 'the marital home' that may muddy the waters. You also want to be sure he can't frame himself as DS's 'primary caretaker'.

I agree with a PP that I'd pack his shit up, deliver it to his parents, and tell him not to come back. I realize that those 'muddy waters' I mentioned above may include whether or not you can legally kick him out of the house, but if his 'tik tock totty' lives near his parents he may well decide to stay there. It has the added advantage of being sure that his parents know the real reason for the split. If he decides he's going nowhere and comes back to the house, then blank him. Do not provide any 'services'; no cooking, laundry, cleaning up, life admin, and no financial 'assistance' if you've been in the habit of covering any of his expenses. Buy and store separate food and let him know he is not to touch it. Let him know that since he wants to have 'the bachelor life', then it starts now.

Harness that fire in your belly. Stand tall.