Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.

He doesn’t get to choose. Ask him to leave. Today. Then get your finances in order and get a lawyer - take half of anything in any joint accounts before he empties them. Does your DC know yet ? I’d be leaving it up to him to explain to them why he’s moving 300 miles away - he cares more for his affair partner than he does for his child. What a piece of work. You’re better off without him OP - may not seem like it now, but you are. It’s taken since 2012 but he’s finally shown you exactly who he is. You owe it to yourself and your child to believe him and leave him behind.

Yup.

I knew someone who took up with a married man. He promptly took early retirement and didn't marry the new woman to stop the wife claiming more money.

Oh OP this has disaster written all over it. Five weeks, and it’s enough to make him leave everything you’ve built together, and a child. And she’s left a husband and two kids herself. Wait until the reality of what they’ve done sets in - he’ll be back, full of apologies and not knowing what he was thinking when he did it. He’s a twat, judging by what you’ve said about your past with him he’s always been a twat, and he won’t change. So be ready for him when he comes crawling back. He’s made his bed.

Five weeks? Five bloody weeks! What a massive arsehole and had the cheek to cry to you when telling you. Fucking, selfish ball bag.

I'm sorry OP.

Hope you kicked him out now! Sorry this is happening to you OP but it WILL get better - good luck and don't feel obliged to do anything for him.

With bills, make sure both your names are on the account (not just yours), therefore he is partially responsible for paying these.
With mortgage, he is partially responsible to pay, but he can choose not to. Make sure you don't have ANY joint accounts with money in, he has every right to just take savings, money etc in both your names - so either close them or take the money yourself (let a solicitor sort who gets what but you can just take it).

Send him an immediate request for child maintenance (use gov website to ask for how much) and tell him when and how to pay. If he refuses, go straight to CMS without warning to him. If he moves in with her the other kids will be taken into account but you'll get something.

Engage a decent solicitor now, no need to hesitate. They will do everything for you (but don't waste money on asking for washing machines and the like, use them for the big issues like entitlement to pensions, savings, expensive items etc.) and house.

Change your access passwords to your phone, email etc.

And if he comes crawling back, say no!

He'll come crawling back in a matter of weeks and I'm glad to hear that you'll be ready to tell him to fuck off when he does.

OP I can tell from your posts that you are an absolute fucking warrior, and I know that you will be ok. Not now maybe, but I promise you will absolutely thrive without this waste of space man.

Let him go, you know it won’t last with OW. I hope his mum never redecorated his bedroom, he’ll be needing it back before long.

Sort the practicalities now, it could all change in a matter of weeks so please sort the house and money out asap. Sending so much love to you and your son, be kind to yourself xx

Wow. You sound so much better than him in so many ways. You will be fine. Kick him out now and lawyer up. Your poor DS.

The stupid fucker. He'll try and come back BTW.

@stomachcramps How awful for you - but also completely ridiculous for your STBX to be behaving this way. 5 weeks since she separated form her OH and he thinks he's moving in with her 😂😂

She's either catfishing him, or he's created a fantasy entirely in his head only and was clearing the way when he told you that he was leaving - but not quite yet - so that he can arrange it with OW and not feel guilty, because you know

Doesn't matter what is actually going on in his head, he is behaving like a love-struck teenager and it will fall apart very quickly. I agree with others, at the very least speak to a Solicitor ASAP and protect as much money as you can from your joint accounts etc. He will be entitled to some share financially of the Marital Home, but that doesn't mean you will have to immediately sell it and find somewhere else. A court would almost certainly give you the right to live there with your son at least until son is 18. Also, when looking at a financial split, you paid for his nice car, so that and anything else you have bought for him needs to be included in the mix along with the house. And you may even be able to afford to buy him out of any share that he gets

Stay strong. You can do this and don't take him back, when he comes back saying he made a dreadful mistake

I'd prefer it to be a big hairy dude called Felicity.

Agree with @Vergus he'll be back. I hope to god, OP, that you will be strong enough to throw his snivelling arse back where it came from.

What a stupid jerk. Act fast before his common sense starts dribbling back...

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I'm writing this as a step parent.
Stay calm and in solution mode.
Don't tell him to leave now. It will make you feel better but will not help a future cordial relationship. You will be closely linked for at least 10 more years. Likely more. Make him sort out how this is going to work.
Don't tell DD until you know where you are. You can't untell them (or anyone else).
Only tell others who are going to offer solutions and care in the short term. Not those who will try and convince you to stay or throw him out.
No matter how much of an idiot your husband it is very likely that the best thing for your DD is to have a good relationship with him (and I'm afraid to say his new partner). This will kill you at times.
You're married so you are entitled to at least half the assets of the marriage plus more to look after your child.
Follow the legal Queen on insta.
Sit down with your husband and if you are not already make sure you have all the financial and practical info. Car, life and house insurance, bank details, savings, credit cards, loans, utilities, mortgage, car keys, passwords. Everything.
Check what accounts they are paid from. Is there money in there for at least three months. If from a joint account how is that going to work.
If you have joint savings Check the balances now. Agree a plan. Make sure one of you cannot just withdraw the lot.
I'd suggest he tells DD with you there but you know your DD best.
Good luck. It's going to be a massive upheaval but your priority is DD and yourself. And often that's doing the hard thing - being civil and reasonable.

@stomachcramps I wouldn't be telling anyone yet. It sounds like you are the main financial earner. And if you divorce (through his choice) you need to be careful he doesn't take half of everything including the house. He needs to be doing the communicating that he's leaving. What evidence do you gave that it's his decision right now? None I assume

I agree with others about you being in control. Don't let him hang around that's just torture. Tell him to go Sit your daughter down and be honest with her. Your right to give her the summer holidays to process everything before she starts a new school. what a selfish arsehole he is. I would make an appointment to see a solicitor and see where you stand financially. He will soo. Realise the grass isn't greener. Hopefully you will have moved on and be be strong by then to not ever have him back. Good luck and please take care of yourself 💐

And - year 7 is hard enough. Has he not thought about how this will impact your DC who is about to start year 7?

OP, you'll come out on top. He's an absolute deadweight in your life that you will so much lighter and happier without.

Dont forget to change all the locks once you've kicked him out so he cannot just walk in like it's still his home. What an absolute twunt

I just wanted to say that you, OP, sound fucking awesome.

And your STBEXH sounds like a pathetic man child. I would put a small bet on him being back in his football themed bedroom within the year.

Onwards and upwards. 💪

and here was I thinking men couldn’t surprise me any more. Good grief OP, I really feel for you. What an absolute arse wipe of a bloke. Rest assured this will end very badly for him. And you’ll go on to thrive. Sending you strength to not keel over laughing at this ridiculous man before he buggers off and leaves you in peace.

It actually makes me very cross that he plans to be a carer. I have close relatives who need carers....it is a demanding position of huge trust. Is it too much to ask that only people with personal integrity should do it? The Op's 'D'H has no care for his own child, so how can he be trusted to care for or prioritise other vulnerable people?

Too many people to thank and acknowledge so a blanket post of gratitude.
I've had a few hours sleep then been playing bloody Minecraft with DS.
Turned music up in the shower and had a good sob.
I can't believe he's doing this to us. Start of the lovely, lovely, six weeks holiday I've crawled on my knees to get to.
Then that childish, dick head half wit has thrown a bomb under our lives.
I've spent months preparing my son for leaving primary and the transition to secondary school.
Can't get over it.
What a heartless, selfish wanker he is.
I'm so bloody hurt. My heart feels like it's aching.

No it won’t destroy him at all, stop making scenarios in your head, kids are more resilient than you think , trauma or not.He will be sad , he will ask about him and then he’ll be alright, and so will you.
Most probably your husband will be back , tail between his legs, in about 6 months, then it will be the real testing time for you .

You’re a great mum. He’s a fucking twat. Sorry 😢 💐