Husband has announced he's leaving me

[stomachcramps]

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

As others have said, copy any financial papers.

ensure he does not empty joint savings …. Take half each and put into own names now.

I think you've done very wisely telling to go see the OW this weekend @stomachcramps. Either he will double down and leave quicker, or he'll come home saying it was a moment of madness and of course he didn't mean it. I'm hoping for the second so you can have the pleasure of telling him to fuck off. You'll never, ever be able to trust him again, time for that divorce lawyer. I'm sorry he's turned out to be such a total waste of space.

Why would you want your child to spend 50% of his time with someone who doesnt have his back and for whom he isnt number one priority? Really baffled by this.

I'd tell him to stay at his parents and he can have dc for half the summer hols to spend time with him.

Although it would be absolutely hilarious if Tik Tok woman turned out to be a catfish, I kind of hope for the sake of OP and her son that she isn't. I think she (and he) needs a good few months of him being gone and not hanging around the house looking all guilty so she can get things sorted in a way that works for her. If he turns up at the OW's place and she turns out to be a 50 year old man or a "Nigerian prince", he'll be straight back on OP's doorstep before she's even had the chance to give all his stuff away to charity. And I bet he'd manage to make her into the bad guy with their son if she didn't let him in. "Daddy made a terrible mistake and wants to come home, but Mummy won't let me" (sadface, crying).

He's going to be a carer? Unless he's done that before, he won't last long in that job.

So sorry Op, you must feel nothing but contempt and derision for him now. A grown man leaving his family for a filtered up airhead he hasn’t even met in real life.
You know he’s living a fantasy that will quickly wither under the pressure of real life. He will be back before you know it, I would bet my house on it.
Make sure you tell everyone exactly what’s been going on- you can all have a good laugh at him when he comes begging for you to take him back.

He's never met her and she's recently separated with two children.. Ya, it won't take long for reality to start to hit, when he's roped into helping to raise her kids, having to deal with her ex seeing the kids and ringing her and any family and friends calling to see how she's doing with it all. She mightnt have as much time as he thinks for tending to him. And let's face it, most women look after men to some degree. Be careful if he tries to come back if things aren't as rosy as he thought. Dont let him suck you in. You don't want him going back and forth and messing with your emotions even more. He's being highly selfish and has rose tinted glasses on! Ya, make a plan about custody arrangements anyway. Your son will be fine, especially if its taken in stages and he's given time to adapt. You could ask him to keep checked in with his son throughout the process and keep talking to him. He at least owes ye that. I hope managing the split with his son is up there amongst his top priorities! If not, its more evidence it could be for the best

I'm hoping its a big hairy dude on death row.

If you are serious about divorce and don't want him back (which I very much hope is the case) then you absolutely need to strike while the iron is hot and he's feeling guilty. As soon as reality bites, he's skint and Miss Tik Tok realises he's a loser, and she's in his ear telling him to get whatever he can from you, he will change his tune. Believe that. The contrite, guilt ridden, shame filled man you see before you is a fleeting version of your husband. He will very soon become someone you don't even recognise and capable of incredible venom. He will blame you for all his problems and want to punish you. Don't give him that chance. If you're lucky you have a very tiny window right now to get what is owed to you and your son.

On a practical level, do keep the conversation going, it might sound silly to some but in my experience making them feel guilty will get you rewards financially in the long run. Be honest about costs, take him for every penny but in a clever manipulative way. I've been pretty good at at that I admit.

Shouting etc won't change things, just maximise your situation for your dc

Good luck op. You sound awesome.

Beware women of the UK, there's a cocklodger on the loose!

You are entitled to stay in the family home until your child turns 18. Make him aware of this and have it drawn up in the divorce consent order that the house cannot be sold until then. Not many judges will refuse it unless of course you can’t afford to run it but then again you will be entitled to child maintanance and if he’s moving 300miles away he will need to provide. Make sure child benefit is in your name and make a claim for UC if you are entitled. Even if your still living in the same property you can claim as long as you can show your separated. Tell your family and friends because you will need the support once the shock wears off and this might even make him move out faster! When I told my kids we were separating I tried to put a positive spin on it. ‘Two lots of fun times, gifts
etc’. I also did lots of movie nights, walks to have quality time which made a big difference and they adapted really well. Good luck, it’s a rubbish time but you will be so glad when you come out the other end!

Not the most important thing, but as soon as I read "Tik Tok" I thought "Filters!"
Never mind his use of them...if she's been using them, he might be in for a huge shock.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. You're too good for him. He is going to be in a world of regret.

One thing I'd be the most sad about, is that you gave him a chance back then after he cheated. You've adopted a son together, who he's got to know and love in that time and vice versa, and now he's just up a leaving them.
That's got to be the most heartless part!

Can I just say what an absolutely remarkable person you are, after what you said about needing to be with your son at night after all he's been through. You know what, you carry on focusing all your energies to where its needed most, mending that little lads heart. That's what real love is. :)

What an absolute wanker. He hasn't even met her?! Boggles the mind.
Let her have him. You sounds so strong (even if it's just your anger driving you right now.) Hope you can get him out ASAP - and not let him back!
Thinking of you and your boy. You can do this.

And being in love with somebody else
He's not in love with somebody else, he's never met her. He is being an idiot, reliving his teenage years, fantasising.

You are worth more than that stomachcramps

Remember Gloria Gaynor's wise words! You will survive this.

It does seem a little weird doesn't it.

But if he has met her and knows her (as in physically met her rather than online), why make up the story of Tiktok? Is it that his one brain cell is thinking: 'I know, if I make up a tiktok story, she won't consider the fact that I've been having a full on physical affair with this OW, every time I've visited my parents...' I mean, we don't know how frequently he has visited his parents but could be a theory...which sounds just as ludicrous as the tiktok story, but we are dealing with a bloke who thinks with this dick aren't we...

I would be more worried about what will happen when he comes crawling back. On that basis, you really do need him out asap.

Ask him to leave. Get legal advice and get the ball rolling on divorce as soon as you possibly can.

Get as much real life support as possible. This might come from unexpected sources. My dog saved my life when I got divorced following DV, whilst a childhood friend ghosted me.

You sound pretty fabulous to me. You can do this.

Doing this to an adopted child is beyond cruel, could you contact the post-adoption team for some support?

I second this.

My late husband left his first marriage because the ex wanted to know what it would be like to have sex with another man. (A work colleague.) Fortunately, their kids were adults and both working and living away from home.

He'd just reached the required separation time in those days for a no-fault divorce (Scotland) when she gave him "the chance" to "come back home" - after she'd been sleeping with the other bloke for two years!

He laughed at her.

A footnote - DH had agreed that there was no need to use a lawyer to sort out the financial side of their separation. It was "easier" if they got the house valued by an estate agent friend of the ex's. Mistake. (She bought out my husband at a bargain price. He then took out a mortgage on a new place. He was the only one who lost out financially - when he refused to return, she sold their old house for nearly double the valuation he'd been given by her friend.)

I'm sure that OP will be astute.

I'm hoping he's been speaking to a lorry driver called Fred.

Nothing to add really OP but I hope you’re okay. I’m actually embarrassed for him 😬🤦🏼‍♀️

Oh wow!!! A tik tok relationship what the actual f**k

For me and it sounds like you, there would be zero coming back from this.

Legally I would try get into a solicitor. If you keep paying the mortgage but you both 50/50 own the home are you essentially increasing his asset? I don't know the answers but hopefully a good solicitor will be able to get you on the right track

I would be telling DS as soon as you can so he has lots of time to absorb this before starting HS