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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has announced he's leaving me

993 replies

stomachcramps · 24/07/2024 03:09

Hey 👋
I've been on Mumsnet since 2010 and I've posted many times previously and notably in times of crisis.
I've always received wise words and a handy hold.
Excuse my jocular tone - I think I'm just in shock.
I posted back in 2012 when my husband cheated on his stag do.
I ignored most of the advice given and stayed with him.
We've had our ups and downs but I'd consider it, up until now, to have been a successful and happy marriage.
He sat me down earlier and just said: I need to talk to you.
There's someone else.
That's it - He's leaving.
Not now, but soon.
Upping and going.
He cried loads. I was emotionless and motionless.
Mumsnet - you're famous for helping women to get their ducks in a row. What do I need to know? Be wary of?
We have an eleven year old who starts high school in September.
(D)H plans to move 300 miles away to be with the fifteen years newer and shinier model of me.

OP posts:
FairyLightBan · 24/07/2024 10:10

@stomachcramps Seems very Now and Sudden. Has something forced his hand? Is the OW pregnant?

JollyPinkFox · 24/07/2024 10:12

focacciamuffin · 24/07/2024 09:38

If it is the marital home you can’t just kick him out. It doesn’t matter who’s name is on the mortgage or deeds.

Yes but OP did say the house is technically hers and mentioned she bought a house when she was 23 (unsure if it's the same house) occasionally this can be considered a pre-marital asset rather than a marital one, but where there's a joint mortgage on that property then it gets even trickier to divvy up as he'll have contributed towards it

Imbusytodaysorry · 24/07/2024 10:12

SwordToFlamethrower · 24/07/2024 08:37

Burn his clothes or throw bleach on them.

Key his car, spray it with the words "cheating bastard"

Shred his passport

Destroy his hobby items (pour water on his xbox etc)

Tell his work he is a pedo.

Go see a lawyer.

In that order.

Wow this is terrible advice , and most of it illegal.

I can’t get over the tell his work he is a pedo !
Pretty disgusting saying things like that about anyone that just isn’t true !

Imbusytodaysorry · 24/07/2024 10:13

FairyLightBan · 24/07/2024 10:10

@stomachcramps Seems very Now and Sudden. Has something forced his hand? Is the OW pregnant?

He hasn’t even met her !

pinkyredrose · 24/07/2024 10:15

SwordToFlamethrower · 24/07/2024 08:37

Burn his clothes or throw bleach on them.

Key his car, spray it with the words "cheating bastard"

Shred his passport

Destroy his hobby items (pour water on his xbox etc)

Tell his work he is a pedo.

Go see a lawyer.

In that order.

Whats a pedo?

RB68 · 24/07/2024 10:17

With regard to any savings etc take your half and then from his half half the costs for applying for divorce etc as that is a shared cost.

Make sure all the bills are paid to date from any joint assets and change your salary to pay into your own account if it isn't already.

Go through all the bills and reduce as much as possible across the board - you will struggle to afford the house by yourself and best to reduce costs and cut back now than even in 3 months.

Get a valuation on the house (in fact get three), Get a solicitor sorted to sell the house asap and get it on the market.

Start looking for something more sustainable for you and daughter to live in - am assuming he is not taking on that responsibility - mainly as they just dont!!

I would sort a solicitor for the financial settlement - you will have to put money down for this unless you are entitled to Legal Aid which is v unlikely

Do let family know whats going on and ask for their support for daughter in particualr - even his family.

I would make sure she has all her uniform, PE Kit shoes and trainers etc from joint funds too before he goes, I personally would make a point of he needs to come and do that with you both so he can see the cost of these things and you can prime him for splitting the costs in future on top of CMS - too many Dads assume its all included without realising it could be a couple of hundred quid for secondary school.

Expect the worst of him - then you wont be disappointed. Be as proactive as possible as you will catch him on the back foot making it hopefully easier all round. Let him explain to DD as well.

Good Luck

Tumbleweed101 · 24/07/2024 10:18

I split with my partner but we weren't married. I remember wanting to help try to keep things as smooth as possible and try to keep things equal. I was even willing to find a new house, keep two children each etc. We rented a council house.

I went to council and they pretty much spelled out that as the primary parent I was the one expected to stay in the house with all the children. This was the best advice I was ever given in that whirlwind time. He moved into his new woman's place, I kept my home and my children. I realise it's different with a mortgage but my point is your home is your home and he will have to make plans to buy out his half so that you can afford to stay there (or choose to move, but the choice should be yours alone).

Other priorities were sorting finances. Split any joint accounts and put money into your individual accounts so that you don't lose money. Sort out utilities. If there are any debts then make sure you make it clear you only owe half of anything in joint names. We had a tax credit overpayment. I paid my half years ago. My ex never paid his. Now, years later he had to claim UC and they are reclaiming his bit from his payments. I felt a sense of satisfaction from that as he left me with all the debts when he went and he also has been poor at paying child maintenance.

If you're working on a low wage check to see if you are able to claim any UC help. Check out what support there is from elsewhere ie family and friends and use it. Do fun things with people who care for you. If you need to change work hours to fit more easily around your child tell them about the situation now so they are sympathetic to your request.

JollyPinkFox · 24/07/2024 10:19

Why don't people read anything?! OP is the breadwinner and they have a son not a daughter. Ffs

AnonymousBleep · 24/07/2024 10:21

FairyLightBan · 24/07/2024 10:10

@stomachcramps Seems very Now and Sudden. Has something forced his hand? Is the OW pregnant?

They haven't even met! And if she'd got pregnant in the 5 weeks they've been communicating through TikTok, that would be very sudden!

ticktickticktickBOOM · 24/07/2024 10:23

He needs to leave ASAP, today.

Before your kids have to live through any hint of bad feeling in their home.

He must go, now!

RB68 · 24/07/2024 10:23

We do read but often distracted with other stuff. I do apologise !! Everything else still stands

focacciamuffin · 24/07/2024 10:24

JollyPinkFox · 24/07/2024 10:12

Yes but OP did say the house is technically hers and mentioned she bought a house when she was 23 (unsure if it's the same house) occasionally this can be considered a pre-marital asset rather than a marital one, but where there's a joint mortgage on that property then it gets even trickier to divvy up as he'll have contributed towards it

Unlikely as they have been married since 2012. It isn’t a short marriage and he will have contributed indirectly.

MouseMama · 24/07/2024 10:24

I’m so sorry OP this must be really stressful and upsetting. But also totally fucking ridiculous of him - NOT EVEN MET HER 😂

He will be begging to come home before Christmas.

Toomanysquishmallows · 24/07/2024 10:24

Hi , my ex left for another woman when dd1 was 3 months old . He stopped all contact when she was six . I will go against what most people on here say , and I will point out that the lady I heard , him and ow we’re still together. So it can happen. I wish op all the luck in the world with her situation.

Porageeater · 24/07/2024 10:26

I read that divorce courts would not look kindly on sale of house while child is in education. The child is the priority. But get legal advice asap.

TypingoftheDead · 24/07/2024 10:27

I think, also, whichever firms you consult for legal advice on getting a divorce, your STBX cannot also consult.
Just in case you did want to make things, ah, a little bit harder for him.

At least, that’s the case in the USA (I’m from the UK but have spent a lot of time on a certain US based site that advocates for divorcing cheats and getting your life back).

Spillthetea1 · 24/07/2024 10:29

Wow OP. I am in total awe of you! My ex left me for another woman when my kids were very very young and I let him walk all over me and kids for years. I wish I had your backbone. 💪🏻 You got this!!
please do update us when reality hits him hard. Because it will. I promise you that.
Much love to you and your son x

lifeisnotstraigtforward · 24/07/2024 10:29

BowlOfNoodles · 24/07/2024 07:10

I actually hope he's being catfished

This!

Big hugs OP, this is absolutely dreadful for you and your DS, but you will be fine and come out the other side fighting. We've all got you.

HappierTimesAhead · 24/07/2024 10:31

OMFG, he sounds utterly ridiculous. This new 'relationship' will not last so be ready to tell him where to go when he tries to worm his way back in.

Your son is lucky to have you and you sound like a lovely mum ❤️

CoolPlayer · 24/07/2024 10:31

Might seem like the worst thing in the world now but I really do think you will be happier in the long run! sending you hugs and strength x

FairyLightBan · 24/07/2024 10:33

stomachcramps · 24/07/2024 07:33

Next village to his parents - which is 300 miles (give or take) from here

Good. Then his parents can take him back. They've probably still got his themed bedroom active

Wheresthebeach · 24/07/2024 10:34

What a dick. At least you can get a quick divorce on the grounds of adultery
The shine will soon wear off his TicTok affair and he will comes crawling back...
you’ve had lots of good advice…lawyer, copies of all financials, make a plan that works for you and DC’s. Ignore any mad advice suggesting revenge driven criminal damage etc.

when he comes back. Don’t fall for it.

WWHRD · 24/07/2024 10:34

I read this fabulous story on an advice page:

https://slate.com/advice/2024/05/dear-prudence-ex-wife-best-life.html

I think its pretty inspirational. I like to think that if this ever happened to me, I would channel this energy! Calm, accepting (to the point of being indifferent). Let him go, indeed encourage him to make his actions match his words as soon as possible. Live my best life and leave him to only witness that from a distance.

Wishing you strength.

Help! I Willfully Blew Up My Marriage. Now I’m Seething That My Ex-Wife Is Living Her Best Life.

I’m not sure I can handle seeing another photo of her on a mountain with her handsome boyfriend.

https://slate.com/advice/2024/05/dear-prudence-ex-wife-best-life.html

Jacopo · 24/07/2024 10:38

FairyLightBan · 24/07/2024 10:10

@stomachcramps Seems very Now and Sudden. Has something forced his hand? Is the OW pregnant?

Even with the benefits of modern technology - filters, AI etc .- it is not possible to impregnate someone via Tik Tok.

Nanny0gg · 24/07/2024 10:38

CheeseWisely · 24/07/2024 07:44

Actually further to your other updates, since the OW is so close to the in-laws then I'd spend the weekend throwing all his posessions into your car, and drive up there when they're due to come home to pick up DS (coming home in whichever of your cars is the better one).

He can stay at his parents, or better he can just move it all directly into TikTok Tart's place from the car.

Tic Tok Tart is a perfect description,

Where are these awful people dredged up from? (I include the OP's delusional husband in that)