Anonymous card that husband cheats

[Saucisson14]

Never posted before but would really appreciate some advice as am sending myself mad! I received a card to home address including postcode. It stated that my husband is a cheat and I should dump him. No other details and didn’t call me by my first name but just Mrs and surname. Husband immediately denied it I have to say I believed him. There have been no signs of affair, nothing to make me suspicious although the seed of doubt is planted of course yet I don’t want to make accusations without any proof.
My question is what would someone have to gain by doing this if there wasn’t some truth? We don’t have any enemies (well any that we’re aware of). If it were true, why would they not give more details that provided some proof?

I've only read the OP. I had this. A letter arrived from overseas and I didn't read it but h did. It said that he was having an affair with the senders wife. No clue that he had been. Wouldn't ever have believed it. When would he have the time etc etc.

All true.

The point is for OP to observe his reaction to the surprise announcement.

It will be true. Of this I am certain. You won’t be able to prove it though, and he will never admit it. Quite a tough situation.

The more likely scenario is that the husband is cheating, and giving detail would reveal the identity of the sender. I once was in a circle of ‘friends’ where several of the men openly cheated on wives, unbeknownst to the wives. I think it’s common. They expect everyone to keep the secret and who is punished on the reveal? Not the cheater. ‘Shoot the messenger’ and all that. There is just no way someone hates OP/hubby enough to do this. The far far far more likely scenario is that yes, he is cheating. Sadly, op will come to the conclusion there isn’t the evidence and stay with her DP. When the truth comes out down the line, at least she will have been forewarned. OP: get forearmed.

Yeh, I once told a friend her fiance hit on me, and good grief, long term it was me that paid a bigger price.

It’s the mistress - she wants him

It's very very unlikely this is untrue. No smoke without fire.

Most likely source is the woman herself who wants him and wants to bring it to a head.

Second most likely is someone misguided who has good intentions towards you - like a friend of yours who wants to warn you but doesn't want to risk losing your friendship if you don't believe her.

People saying its someone out to get him for a tangential reason - doesn't really make any sense. Men don't really act like that (save if the woman he is having an affair with is married to a man who has found out). Women wouldn't do it unless there is a specific reason - either warning or because they are the woman.

If you send a card like that you know it's not very likely the person would believe it straight up - it's more a be on your guard and look for the evidence tip off. So as an 'act of revenge'/trouble causing - it's weak so unlikely to be made up.

I’d be very suspicious of a card that gives such categorical instructions. Sounds more like someone wants to destroy your marriage than help you.

You clearly have a lot on your plate at the moment. I’d be tempted to focus on what you actually know is real and what happens in your life. If your day to day interactions are fine, you feel your marriage is in a good place and you are content with the honesty of your husband’s reaction, then give him the benefit of the doubt. There is no reason to trust an anonymous stranger trying to cause harm more than you trust your own gut.

When I was with my ex I found out that 2 of his friends had cheated on their wives. I knew them but they weren't really close friends. I wanted to tell them as I felt very uncomfortable knowing this, but because the information came from my ex he told me I couldn't as it would ruin a lot of friendships. An anonymous card would be a logical way to be moral but not identify yourself or how you found out. I would be suspicious that this is true. But the lack of detail does seem odd. If it was someone wanting to upset you, acting unbothered and super happy may incite another letter with more info. If it was someone trying to help maybe tell your husband you've received another letter so he needs to be honest?

This happened to my friend - it turned out it was a woman he worked with that he kept turning down because he was happily married and not interested in her. He'd also reported her to HR for sexual arasment because of it.
She eventually admitted that she was just upset at being turned down and if she couldn't have him didn't want his wife to either!

Take care of yourself OP. Yes, instinct suggests that someone wouldn't contact you without reason. It is important that you can speak to someone close to you to share the burden; your mind is understandably rattling with it all.

I think the fact he was there when you opened it was good- as you would probably get a good gut feel from his reaction- unless he's a very good liar, or he knew it was coming and was prepared.

Agreed! But I would be observing carefully from now on.

My mum was once tipped off by a friend that my elderly dad had been seen with a strange woman in a nearby city. My dad = least likely man to organise an affair in Christendom. (Autistic, clockwork routines, no friends, homebody, '70s, didn't like drama.) We worked out from the rough time period, that it must have been me on a rare trip into the city with my dad. Friend had never met me in person. Given the absence of concrete details, I would let this one pass as a poison pen letter, albeit that does raise other questions.

This is worth exploring . Might be a friend who has seen him , knows and doesn’t want to be the one to tell you. Or it’s the woman he is involved with . my friend received a card at Christmas which pretty much said “your husband is having an affair . I wanted you know”. Now, husband very busy man.. and her first thought was “he doesn’t have the time and he was a phenomenal husband and father “. So naive when women say “when does he have the time ?” When they want something they always make time ! She also thought it was someone being malicious etc . Anyways, she found out when the holidays got over and husband went back to work (a second phone ). Turned out , his lover was livid that he had completely switched off during holidays, left her high and dry and she wanted to get back at him! . Summer holidays, family events when you go no contact or low contact are enough to trigger affair partners !

I can understand it. People do have a bad habit of shooting the messenger . Sometimes ignorance is bliss and they prefer it that way

general rule is the innocent person would question the action I.e that he cheated. And would say stuff like. Cheat? I would never cheat on you.

That is exactly the response my husband gave. He had at least other 3 long term gfs on the go and was on 4 dating sites. Meeting other women all the time for ‘first dates’ told them he was happily single, while I was at home, usually having been asked by him to stay in for some parcel delivery

Out of pure jealousy, of what you have.

My mother got one of these once. Turned out to be the other woman trying to force things to a head 😭

I have been in your situation. Many years ago, I received an email from someone I didn't know. The message stated that my partner had been cheating on me. There was no information, literally just that he had been cheating. I confronted him, he denied any wrong doing and I put it down to someone trying to stir up trouble. How later on I wish I'd taken notice of that message. Two years later, I discovered my partner had been cheating, numerous times throughout our relationship. The email was probably from a previous lover, he'd dumped, and she tried to seek revenge by telling me. My honest opinion, is that people don't send emails, letter etc of this nature for no reason. As the old saying goes 'there's no smoke, without fire'. Unfortunately, you have no real proof, he's denied it and there wasn't enough information to give you the actual proof you need. Keep your eyes open, and your witts about you. I left my cheating ex, and am now happily married.

Nothing more dangerous than a human being, or someone that could stoop so low,sub human.you must protect your mental health,or it could destroy your marriage,so put it in a box in the attic of your mind,and get on with your life.no one knows your hubby better than you,and you said you don't think it's true,so until you have physical proof of him having cheated ,ignore it.especially if you have children,in the first instance,trust your gut instincts.It will also show whoever wrote the card that you are stronger than them,and won't allow their wickedness to destroy your lives together.Good luck to you.

This is why anonymous letters like this are so, so shitty. Even if it's genuine, the recipient is left entirely at sea with no way of assessing or contacting the source, but now feeling worried, paranoid, watched and intruded upon by someone who has inserted themselves while protecting only themselves. It is such a nasty thing to do and never has good intentions; if you really cared about the person whose life you're stomping into, you'd do what's best for them and consider the cost to you as the price of being so noble.

It could quite easily be a revenge troll.

However I wouldn't like it if my DH reacted cooly to it and wasn't furious and desperate to find out who sent it. If I was accused of cheating in an anon letter to my DH I'd go into overdrive trying to figure out who the fuck tried to put a bomb under my relationship.

The shock you saw from his reaction could be the shock that someone has actually said something and betrayed him rather than the accusation itself, and his apparent lack of working with you to find out who it is and desperately trying to prove his innocence like immediately handing over his phone (I would do this) would make me suspect he knows who it is. Xx

My guess is this is just someone you or he have annoyed, possibly without realising it, in your lives. Someone who lost out on a promotion or whose planning permission you objected to... could be absolutely anything.

If he WAS having an affair, I reckon they'd have said more about who it was with.

I would put money on a woman scorned. Probably some bint who's made a pass at your chap and he's rebuffed her advances annnnd.... so she is now trying to get back at him.