New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

Since when did they need to be equal
If you love each other you marry and share what you have .
9years is longer than a lot of marriages last
If he's not going to marry you ,and he wants to charge you rent ,when he's not got a mortgage...is he trying to end the relationship,but taking the cowards way out ,by asking life difficult for you ,in the hope you move out

Well then don’t fool yourself into thinking he would be any help in a crisis. A nice flatmate would be better.

has he ever agreed to a legal meeting for both of you? What does he say about the future?

Whatever you decide about the relationship, you definitely shouldn't be paying the equivalent of market rent for a 1 bed flat as he isn't offering you anything like that service.

Being a lodger is different from being a tenant, and a lot cheaper (because you share a house and have less security)
Lodgers vs tenants: how your rights and responsibilities change (lovemoney.com)

I would suggest that your situation is actually liable for even less "rent" than a lodger as you are also his partner, which means you provide much more to him than a lodger would be obliged to.......(not only sex, either!)

OP you can only buy back missed contributions for the previous six years. The deadline is 5 April each year. So, for example, you have until 5 April 2030 to make up for any gaps for the tax year 2023 to 2024, and so forth. Make sure you don’t leave it too long.

Don’t do it.

Our house went into my ex’s name only. He suffered anxiety and various mental health problems and it helped calm him.

Within three months he threw me out. I lost my investment and the furniture and white goods that I had bought (I had nowhere to take them). He later told me that he had his name only so that he could throw me out when it suited him.

Be warned.

How much equity does he have in new house?

You can speak to a solicitor and protect his share that he has paid for , but you should have a share in the house that you pay towards with your 20k savings and monthly salary.

If he doesn't want to have a fair share then he does not care about you. Don't increase your payment to £700.

Have you not even put in £1? It is likely not still open if you never made a deposit.

If you are going to paying 700pcm towards the mortgage you should get a share of the house. I think you need a financial advisor to come up with a fair agreement. If he just wants you to pay with no stake that is now way to treat someone you love

He sounds really controlling if you are not allowed to do housework. He shouts at you for cleaning the place, fucking hell! I thought my ex was bad enough.

Any rent should be what a lodger pays for a shared bedroom or shared space. Not a 1bed flat tenancy!
And if you're a lodger then you wouldn't be responsible for bills or cleaning. That would be included.
What a greedy fucker he is.

Half bills and half food would be more normal for a partner living together in a mortgage free property.

You could buy a shared ownership property (1-2 bed flat) and rent out the 2nd bedroom to a lodger. And gradually up your % ownership as you go. You'd be better off than living with the greedy angry man who is supposedly your partner.

Does he also think you are his partner?
It seems with no intimacy, you're more like flatmates already.

I think he’s completely right to be honest, he’s doing exactly what any woman would be told to do on here. Protecting his investment, putting a lodger agreement in place and charging what it would cost you to rent etc.

If you want something that’s yours you need to arrange that for yourself. The reality of meeting someone later in life is that he’s probably paid off 20 years of that mortgage before he even knew your name, you’re not married, this is his money and he’s right to protect it- any woman would be told the same.

It’s exactly the same as paying that in rent for a flat.

I'm very-almost 40 (like next month very almost!) and up until 6months ago I had the grand total of £0 in savings. In the last 6 months I have managed to save £6,000 so your £20k is plenty in my eyes. And probably not dissimilar to my peers.
Oh, and I rent as well (fortunately social housing but still, not buying a house any time soon).
Your financial and work situation is really not that bad. I feel like you are gaslighting yourself into thinking it's too late and you are stuck with this life. It's not, I promise you.

Agree he’s protecting himself which is fair enough. It’s the rent he wants to charge that’s outrageous.

Ah no, he wants you as a lodger rather than a partner. It would be fine for him to charge you market rent plus your share of food and the bills if you were just a lodger, but you're not. If you have mental health challenges, and he doesn't understand them, it really does sound like you're just not a good match. I know it can feel overwhelming 'starting again' in your 40s - I did it at 47 when I split up from my husband. Two years later, and happily single (and can't see that changing any day soon) and it was absolutely the right thing to do. You're better on your own than with someone who makes you feel sad and lonely and unloved.

You want security, and it doesn't seem like he's a secure person for you to be with. Your call on what you do next, obvs, but have a good think about it!

@ThatsCute I did put £1 in, to 'open' the account- not sure how much I'll be able to put in going forward but at least I have it

Sounds more like a friends with benefit now transitioning to a lodger with benefits situation rather than a proper relationship.

What is he getting from his relationship with you? It doesn’t sound like a partnership at all.

I'm dubious, what would the response be if a women came on and said
"He never does anything because he says he can't do it right' if his behaviour is so bad he 'explodes' when she does her share of housework, the relationship should end.

To where? She can barely even afford to live paying just half of the groceries and bills? I mean she's in a "relationship" where she has been living cheaply and there is no intimacy.

She needs to focus on herself rather than focusing on how to get her name on his property.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1
I’m so sorry to hear you were only 12 when your mother passed away and that she was sick before then, and the history of abusive relationships. Your vulnerability was obvious to me. Your partner has shown controlling traits - not just financial control, but monitoring mumsnet, you needing to hide behind a different user name, fearing his response, and asking others to be ‘nice’ about him suggests coercive control is almost certainly at play here. Coercive control is by nature very sneaky and can be hard for the uninitiated to spot. This can also be why it’s so hard for people in a coercive relationship to get support- to others the perpetrators seem normal, even like a great guy/girl. After all, it’s hard to point out the fact someone insists on doing all the housework could be a negative thing! But it can if it’s about control. It can if it’s another way to make the other person feel ‘useless’ or beholden. If he insists on doing all the housework and gets angry if you try to do any, it is actually suggestive of control, not love care or generosity. A normal response would be to share it. Even if he was fussy, he could say sure go for it. A person who truly loves you would help build you up, not put you down.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 you really really need to get confident about what you need & deserve and what your partner is proposing is terrible for you now & in the future.

1. You should be on the mortgage/deeds of the new home.
2. You should not be paying equivalent of a 1 bedroom flat - if you have to, then just go rent one yourself.
3. You need financial provision for after this death. You are his long term partner - maybe he wants to leave something to nieces/nephews etc., but that can happen and you can have some security. Someone in a similar position I know, the house will be split 50/50. Enough the partner can buy a small flat with no mortgage, then 50% to nieces/nephews etc.
4. If you are on the mortgage/deeds then paying a % of your income that still leaves you with enough to save is important. If he earns 4x what you earn he should contribute 4x as much to the running of the home/joint expenses.
5. Of course you can contribute to the costs - food, electricity, water etc. But it must not leave you with nothing.

I'd have a 'come to Jesus' meeting and lay it out that you need financial protection for your future and what that needs to look like (% of salary paid towards joint expenses, not losing your home when he dies etc.). If he can't do these things as your long term partner, then I think you know where you stand and need to get your own proper tenancy/flat and move forward!

Good luck.

@anon4net they aren't married.