New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

My husband’s best friend moved in with the ex after her affair partner died.

The friend insisted that he would only move in if they went to solicitor to have an agreement signed that he could stay in the house for life. (DH and the ex had two adult children.)

Things were fine until the friend developed a terminal condition. The ex waited until he was in respite care for a fortnight and then said she wasn’t having him back.

He actually died in the care home just after the respite period expired.

None of that would matter if he actually loves and values you.

I would be moving out at the first opportunity.

buy them as soon as you can as the price goes up

Personally I think if he isn't getting much from the relationship, he should man up and dump the OP. Not charge her more.
Why does he even keep her around?

Would he actually be useful in a mental health crisis or would he be unsupportive and dismissive and make you feel worse? I'd rather deal with my mental health issues on my own than with my ex.
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I can't understand how he can be in a relationship with someone he supposedly loves and not want them to feel financially secure, nof want to make sure you are financially secure if he dies. I don't understand that kind of 'love'.

@Lemonvalley thank you. I really appreciate your comment. No one has really said anything positive about me, my mum was to unwell with her MH to acknowledge me really.. she died when I was 12. I lived with my grandma until she died when I was 17.. I moved in with a boyfriend who was physically abusive.
I don't know where to start getting my mental health sorted out.

They’re not married. No excuse for the way he’s acted I agree, but not being married leaves OP in a worse position than if they were.

Absolutely, £400 a month for 9years for EVERYTHING including all household tasks done? Yep, ops the hard done to one!

The op has problems the op needs to deal with them, the op is not a child and needs to be independant

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 What do you want? If marriage is important then leave. You’re only bloody 40.

Marriage is a legal contract conferring property rights. Many people have a strong relationship but just want to keep finances separate, as is their right when mutually agreed.
The biggest issue is divorce if OP is married to him even say 20 years 40-60 she could divorce him and take half of everything.

Meeting later in life they haven't built their wealth together, he's right to safeguard his.

It seems like you can't do/speak up about anything without an argument ensuing?

What are either of you gaining from this relationship right now because it seems, at least from what you've said, that there isn't really much left to cling on to?

No intimacy, no support/consideration with your mental health (was it always like this or has he' just "had enough" do you think?), separate finances (which is fine in and of itself but just another way that you're not connected), no children together, no marriage in the future ... what are you both looking for and are you getting it? it sounds like it might be best for you to move on.

Also, you do come across as quite vulnerable and lacking in support. Do you feel that some kind of support worker/CPN might be useful? could be worth looking at what is available in your area or even contacting MIND to see if they can offer something even if it's just joining in with group activities.

I wondered this. To inherit a partners’ state pension you have to be married/civil partner, but I think for any private or workplace pensions he could nominate OP to inherit them.

I feel so old at 40. Like my life is over. I'm hoping this isn't true... I hope I can do something with my life, even after 40.

@Edingril There are shades of grey in life you know such as vulnerability, you’re being a bit obtuse.

But it's not really not the same situation or the same decision. Your decision is to have your DP living there (in your mortgage-free house) and paying around 50% of the bills, right?

OP's situation is that her DP's decision is for OP to live in his mortgage-free house, pay around 50% of the bills, AND pay market-level rent to him.

Apologies if I've misread your posts, but if I've got this right it feels like a really big difference.

In your situation your DP is free to develop his own savings and have his own buy-to-let (assuming he wants to and is capable of it - obviously it's his choice). In OP's situation, her paying market-level rent to her DP who has no mortgage to pay means she won't be able to develop her own savings and maybe have a buy-to-let.

Like I said, assuming I've got those above facts right, I totally think your decision-making is smart. And fair. I don't think that about the OP's DP's decisions.

I would suggest putting your savings into the new home and owning it together as tenants in common, proportionately to the amount you have each put in. I.e him 80% and you 20% or whatever. That way your name is on the house and he can't simply kick you out. If you did separate, he would be able to buy you out and you would walk away with your investment.

Also, his share should either be left to you in his will, or if he wants to leave it to someone else (I'm not sure why he would, considering he has no children) he could at least leave it to you on trust for your lifetime at which point it would revert to whoever else he wanted to have it.

You need to tell him that you are unsettled by the lack of security and control you have. You are not his lodger you are his partner. If he doesn't agree to any of it, ask him why he doesn't think you are deserving? He can still protect his own assets.

@NamechangeForthisquestion1 You will if you leave him. It’s not easy to leave after nearly 10 years but life is too short to live in the shadows waiting for approval.

Not RTFT, but pensions are not included in wills. If his pension was left to you, it would be as a beneficiary through the pension company. Is he being truthful about this? Something’s not adding up.

So a learned helplessness?
What do you mean? If he's out all day, if you hoovered, made the bed, did the dishes..
What happens?

Well you are 27 years away from retirement. You're also with a supportive and inclusive (largely) employer well known for internal mobility and jobs in all sorts of places. And good pension.
You're also not destitute you have a cool 20K in savings.

Tomorrow, you could move somewhere cheaper with a new job, buy a flat with 5-10K deposit and start afresh.

I don't think he wants you to move into the property OP, but he's just too chicken to come out and say it.

I'm sure he can figure out that you wouldn't be getting a one bedroom flat to yourself so £700 + bills is too much, as others have said it would be more appropriate for you to pay a lodger rate as that's effectively what you are.

If you want to stay for now I would negotiate on the rate.I would probably insist on my own room and not sleep with him anymore as your partnership is dead in the water.

If you want financial security for the future in the form of a property,you need to work on that yourself. Assume your DP will leave you nothing.

@DoreenonTill8 She said he explodes.

The situation would be easier if they were, in fact, married. As it is, they’ve lived together without being clear on what basis. This could usefully be on the Legal threads