New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

He's not obliged to make any financial commitments if he doesn't want to, including getting married, but his interest in making money off you while providing no security is a sign of how he views the relationship. It's not a partnership.

If you scroll down on this website maybe you can find a service or helpline that feels most relevant to you. It could be a starting point to changing your life for the better. You’ve reached out for a reason. Now you just need to find the right kind of help or advice. www.supportline.org.uk/problems/domestic-violence/

Please see a therapist.
I think you need to unravel alotvof traumatic events to be able to move on positively and productively. You sound so sad and defeated

P.S. I think your DP is an arse.

Relationships are about working together. My DP earns more than me. He bought a house in his early 20's before I got together with him. I guess I have "piggy backed" off him, I moved him.with him, moved house and its in our joint names. We are a team. I bring in other things - just not as much money.

@DoreenonTill8 nowhere did I say OP should not pay rent or bills - she totally should- but I would want a lump sum up front to protect myself in case of being booted out if he won't marry.

Here is what I would do: I would look for a room in a shared house, this will almost certainly be cheaper than £700 plus half of bills and food (given that is the market rent for a 1 bed in your area) and will probably include bills. You would not have to worry about any maintenance or buying white good etc. Once there I would save like crazy and get myself a property somehow, even if only the one bed flat - this would give you security.
There are some good things going on, your job should be secure and your civil service pension should be excellent, you already have £20k.
What I would not do: Move in and pay him the money he is asking, he would just be increasing his financial position at your expense. Given how little concern he has for your wellbeing I would not move in with him at all. You can choose to carry on the relationship if you wish, but I wonder if you would find there was much left if you took living together out of the equation.

Totally agree with pp that he really doesn't care about you very much if he is happy to take money from you for no good reason other than that he can and knowing that your financially vulnerable, you have to wonder at his motive does he want you gone?
OP do your research, privately renting is different to house share, if you privately rent then you are paying for the whole property for your sole use hence the cost, but if you are a lodger / house share you will generally find that utilities and broadband are included in the agreement. Have a look on right move and my spare room and compare the differences. If he wants you to be a lodger get some comparison quotes for a similar sized house in your area from my spare room which will usually Include utilities & wi-fi and insist on a tenancy agreement, what you decide about food / holidays is a separate issue.
Don't let him bully or scare you into lining his pockets, if he wants to be a dick be a bigger one.

He wants you to pay 700 quid a month to rent half a bed off him, plus 300 quid for bills? That's absurd money. My mortgage on a 3 bed house was 450. My gas and elec is 70 quid, water is 25, council tax is 120. If you were paying me what he's asking you'd be paying my entire living costs, as two adults and a child.

Have you seen the bills? I think he's having you on. He isn't even paying housing costs but wants you to pay rent.

Not read many PPs but suggest if you are paying going rate rent - explain to him this is like a mortgage to you and you expect in return a portion of the property to be in your name - a third or quarter perhaps as you feel very insecure.

Plus what Gladespade says 💐

Have you thought about using some of your savings to actually get therapy? Have you thought the position you are in is causing your mental health problems. What he is saying is you are not worthy of his care & protection sure living with that for the last decade would not help my mental health. I would make an apt to speak to CAB.

@DoreenonTill8 Captain Obvious

TBH you're facing up to this 9 years too late.

But better now than never.

Start doing some things now.

This relationship is clearly over.

He doesn't want to marry you. So when he dies, or finds someone else maybe, you'd be left with nothing. Better to start again at 40, than 60 or 70.

Talk to a mortgage broker and see what type of loan you could get.

Depending where you live, if you could buy a flat for £200K, you've got 10% deposit.

If there's no intimacy though maybe he sees her more like that.

Not really as have no idea what you're on about!

Are you actually sure you are in a relationship with this person? Have you asked how he views your relationship at all?

@NamechangeForthisquestion1

I'm sorry you have been unwell OP but I think this relationship is abusive. You get nothing out of it.

However you do have a job and a good pension provision. Many in difficult relationships don't. You also have your savings. I think a shared house is an excellent idea. It would give you some company, even the odd 'good morning' and a cup of tea. You then save up for your own place if you want to.
I do think you are being used. Please ask your GP for the details of the local online counselling service. Good luck.

Honestly this is a tricky one.

You're not married. Have no kids together. If I owned a house outright I'd be very slow to add a partner to the deeds so I don't see much wrong with that. ( they could leave me in a year and take half my equity) I also think you paying a tad more than bills is fair , after all in effect you're living rent free which should allow you to save significantly more than if you didn't live with him.
I wouldn't be paying full rent by any means though.

Doesn't matter. My DP earns NMW and he won't have any inheritance and I am a high earner and will probably have a decent inheritance from my parents. We're still going to get married, it doesn't matter to me at all, I love him, want to be with him and the money side of it doesn't matter.

my grandmother met my step grandfather when she was 45 and he was 56. They had the happiest marriage, partnership and life together. Whatever this man is. He is a stepping stone to better things. Get yourself into support groups. Re-skill and dump him. He’s holding you back. And work on your esteem.

Get your own place for the same money. You'll then have proper tenancy rights which will be changing soon to hopefully make renting more secure.

When they met, as she was from a poor country, she was a hundred times poorer than him. But when you meet someone who doesn’t hold you back, loves you, supports you and encourage to be better, things like esteem naturally grow. Until then fake your self esteem until you don’t have to.

The "lodger agreement" says it all. You are his lodger, not his partner (of 9 years!!!)

OP, I've read all your posts but not all the replies, so apologies in advance if I repeat anything.

Firstly, I hope you can be kind to yourself about your situation. It sounds as if you feel that you've "failed" because you're not a high earner and you don't own your own home, but you haven't failed at all. It sounds as if your childhood was very difficult; I'm sorry you lost your mum and your grandmother at such a young age, and it sounds like the rest of your family let you down. I hope you can get some mental health support; you could start by asking your GP about what's available on the NHS or maybe local charities they can refer/signpost to. You could look at the Mind website and see if they have a local branch.

As for your partner, it sounds as if he doesn't treat you very well. You say that he doesn't understand mental health, he doesn't want to marry you, he's asking you to contribute more money even though he doesn't need it, and when you try to talk about it, it turns into an argument You might not feel that you deserve any better than this, but you really do. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you, and is willing to support you emotionally and financially. And you're absolutely right that you are vulnerable to homelessness since you are living in his house and he could tell you to leave at any time.

My advice is to look into shared ownership; if you can use some of your £20k savings towards a deposit then you would own a small share and then would pay rent on the rest. You would then have a place of your own. Depending on how much you had left in savings, and how much you earn, you might be able to claim some universal credit towards your rent costs.

Also, depending on your health and how it affects you, you might be eligible for PIP (Personal Independence Payment):
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/pip/before-claiming/check-you-are-eligible/
And https://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/personal-independence-payment-pip/pip-self-test

Good luck!

Get out as fast as you can