New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

No, I didn't miss that; it just suggests to me that he's not at all interested in any real future with OP, which makes her position even more vulnerable

My real point is that at least he's not pretending any commitment, and that she'd be much better advised to look to her own security rather than relying on someone who, having helped her out of one difficult situation already, clearly doesn't want to engage any further

That should say I *hate my current role. (It's customer facing)

There are some good shared ownership schemes around at the moment. Better than years ago when they got a bad rep. You wouldn’t be able to rent that out though, so that’s only an option if you intend to leave him.

Im wondering if he’s trying to force your hand in leaving him. It’s funny that for 9 years he’s been happy for 50% of expenses. Can you afford the extra £700 op if you only work part time?

Is he trying to make you step up and work full time? If he’s said a buy to let is a good idea, would he help you investigate/implement that and be happy for you to do that as an alternative in your name only? If the answer is no, then I think he’s managing you out of the relationship and you need to consider how you can move on without him in your future.

In a supportive, healthy relationship, he’d offer to loan you a deposit shortfall, to help you secure your future.

He's asking for too much money from you, but in general he's looking after himself and his assets first and foremost. I can't say that I blame him, tbh. Now it's time for you to take a similar approach so I agree that some legal advice would be wise, and please continue to build your nest egg. It's a tough one because he's asking for £700 + half of bills, whereas if you lived alone you'd have all those bills to pay yourself of course (and the possible mental health burden of being responsible for them). I'd be inclined to stay for at least another year, save like crazy, then see where the land lies, as it were.

As always with these types of situations, I think you need to find a compromise that benefits both of you equally.
No way should you be paying full market rent for a one-bedroom flat when you aren’t getting that. Practically, you won’t have your own room, bathroom, kitchen, lounge etc - you will be sharing rooms with your DP. So from a starting point that figure of £700 isn’t reasonable.
Please don’t buy furniture or white goods for his house. They’re not an investment in the same way the house is. I guarantee he won’t value that contribution and, if you break up, you may not want those items.
He needs to put himself in your position. If you pay him £700p/m (which I assume he’ll put into his savings) and break up in a year, he’ll have £8400 in savings. You’ll have nothing and also no place to live, and he’ll be able to kick you out without notice. I think it would be fair to pay him a small contribution (say, £200p/m) so that you can save the rest. He should want you to be financially secure.

You're still young for getting a mortgage, what will be more concerning is your periods out of work.

That's because he's treating you like one

I think he thinks you are a glorified lodger and he's putting your relationship on that footing

Look at your options very carefully

No, you're a cunt if you work to pay your own asset off and then profit from your partner depriving them of the chance to save anything for themselves. Why the hell does this man need £700 a month rent from her?!

It sounds like you've become too reliant on him, which is likely a combination of both of your fault.

I can actually understand how he may be left feeling frustrated and actually think it's extremely unfair of people to label him a cunt for wanting to protect his assets. As for charging a lot more now perhaps that's because he's taking a hard look at who is contributing what to the relationship and household and feels he's been a bit shafted. He has paid this house off alone and you've had it "easy" at £400 a month until now. Were you still paying this £400 during your training?

You mention a lack of intimacy due to mental health concerns which how does he feel about this?

When it comes to housework you say
Housework wise, he generally takes control of it all. I don't mind doing this but I don't really get a look in, or I offer and he says he's doing it. sometimes I feel like a spare part.
You shouldn't be "offering" to do housework, you should just be doing your fair share. I'd be pissed if my partner offered to do the washing up or the vacuuming. It should be assumed we both make a mess, we both clean.

Certainly press on with the counselling but ultimately you have to take control of your own life as best possible and make plans for the future. You come across as extremely passive in your life, it's time to take the reins a little bit and play a more active part in what happens from here on for the sake of your future.

He's not stringing you along with promises of marriage, kids and a rosy future if you'll just do such-and-such, not dumping all the housework on you and not even using you for sex since you suggest there isn't much ... in fact it's hard to see what this is based on beyond him helping you out of a "tricky" housing situation while understandably guarding his own assetsThis is (quite rightly) what everyone would advise a woman to do, so all in all his suggestion of you getting a buy to let to protect your own security is probably a good one

I must admit I agree with this.

If the sexes were reversed and you were a man you would be getting crucified OP

You haven’t had reduced earnings/opportunities due to children. He does all the housework. You haven’t mentioned once that you love him. It doesn’t seem there is coercive control at play. Your primary concern is the extent to which he finances you.

its not his responsibility to ensure you are housed. You are taking advantage of him not the other way round. He doesn’t owe you anything.

break up. Move into a share house and be independent.

I don't think you are greedy or horrible! In fact you sound really vulnerable and fragile with low self esteem issues. I think your partner is taking advantage of your situation.

He wants a lodger agreement as he intends to protect his financial asset (the house) from you having any claim on it if you split up or if he dies. Only you can decide if you are happy with that.

OP has agency in this. He’s depriving her because she’s letting him. She has the option to leave and get a house share.

I've been in the situation twice of having a Partner move into my house. And I've always been clear to protect myself and my investment, but he's being fucking cheeky here.

He is literally attempting to profit from you and that feels completely wrong to me. He's not suggesting you get to own any portion of property or any return, and he'll be mortgage free.

I just can't justify it anyway I shake it.

Yes - I don’t know if it’s been suggested already, but @NamechangeForthisquestion1 are you on track for a full state pension via your N.I contributions?

@MsLavender not trying to defend myself or anything but if I attempt to do housework it generally end up in an argument. I've stopped doing anything.

i agree in principle about keeping things fair between a couple, but from what you are saying, I don't see much love (or even friendship) Time for an honest conversation about the future methinks....because if there is love there then the high earner/low earner issue while it needs to be taken into account, shouldn't make marriage a touchy subject. It sounds like there's not much trust there either? Sorry.

He’s a controlling cunt.

I feel like this is really confused whether he wants you to be his partner, his tenant or his lodger. And he's potentially picking and choosing depending on what's best for him.

If you are a lodger (I have been one and had them) you are essentially living in a room at someone's home. You have very limited (essentially no) rights like a tenant with a rental agreement would have. A notice period isn't legally required and he can throw you out anytime he likes. The upside of that for the lodger though is that it's usually cheaper than renting somewhere and you certainly wouldn't be expected to be buying furniture etc. You wouldn't be named on bills etc. You'd usually pay one monthly payment that is just a general contribution towards everything so he couldn't take your £700 per month and then start saying 'Gas bill's a bit more this month I'm going to need more from you..'

A tenant (even if the landlord lives there) has legal rights, a rental agreement and benefits from any regulations your area has for rented accommodation.

@westisbest1982 I have checked my NI and I'm missing a couple of years due to the study period.. but I can probably buy these years in future

I haven't read the whole thread but i have briefly checked replies for this question and couldn't see it.

What are lodger rates in your area on spare room? I ask because he seems to want the perks of an actual lodger (I.e. kick you out whenever he wants) but the rent of a shorthold tenancy (a whole flat to yourself + half bills)?!

For comparison, flats go for £800-£900 here, rooms (lodger arrangement) more like £400-£500...

Leave him to be an old miser op. Cos he sounds like a boring miser. There’s ways to protect your assets without being a joy sucking miser. Just leave him.

£700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

That's an incorrect comparison. What would it cost to rent a (shared) room in a shared house, with shared facilities..? He's treating you as a lodger, not a partner in life. Does he need you to subsidise his own costs? Nothing suggest love here.

Just to add, I just read the rest of your
posts. You are way too down on yourself. You have done really well and should be proud of yourself- and I’m not just referring to your employment or savings but the fact you’ve had challenges with depression but you’re still getting on with life. You are not a loser!! What (or who) is making you feel this way? When was the last time someone (your partner or loved one) told you they were proud of you, they believed in you, or they loved you? Have they ever? Your vulnerability is being exploited. The focus on money- this comes from somewhere and it isn’t you. If it was, you wouldn’t have endured this arrangement.
This is highly personal but since you’ve mentioned the intimacy issue- it’s the wisdom of your body. There is nothing wrong with you. Your body is unable to open up to this man because deep down you know you can’t trust him or aren’t safe. You deserve better. Please believe in yourself!! 🙏