New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

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I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

In your position, with fairly precarious finances and mental health issues, I would absolute not ever recommend you get a buy to let. There is a reason landlords are selling up in droves and it can be incredibly stressful and tax inefficient. If something went wrong with it, you might have to shell out thousands for repairs at the drop of a hat and it sounds like you couldn’t afford to do that. Absolutely put money away in an ISA and if/when you decide to live on your own, you will hopefully have saved enough for a deposit and small buffer.

I think I’d offer to pay half of the bills that’s it. I don’t believe he should put you on the mortgage as it’s his house that he's paid for whether it’s from inheritance or not. I also wouldn’t be expecting it in his will. It’s tough but you aren’t married and you don’t have kids . . You have 20k in savings use that as a deposit towards a property for yourself or a buy to let one. You should have some capital yourself if the worse happens.

Excuse me

I can read properly alright and I don't need to depend on someone else for security. 9 years rent free is plenty of time to secure my own future.

Which of his needs do you think are being met?

He does all the housework, there's no sexual relationship.

What? An adult pays to live, otherwise she's just a female cocklodger.

I can't say that this accurate but by looking at your posts then it suggests that you are suffering with your MH but most importantly that you are allowing yourself to stay in a bad situation because you are worried about your MH. However I would strongly suggest that you look at the ADs again, speak to your GP again and see if anything has changed since you last tries them. Then I feel you should have a bit of a think about how much help your partner would give you in a MH crisis, in comparison to the Samaritans. I fear that you are caught in the cycles associated with self esteem and abandonment. Aged 40 is not old at all to get a mortgage. I've just helped someone get a mortgage at 62. As long as it completes before retirement age, 67. I think your partner isn't really part of your team and is looking after his personal interests waiting for the breakup. Of course you know that already but don't want to admit to it because you'll feel like a failure again. Problem is, you are taking other people's failure on your own shoulders. It's never been your fault that anyone died. It's never been your fault that your father is the way he is. You were the xhild , he was the adult.he may have his own issues but that doesn't mean that you are to blame or have to accept any responsibility. If I were in your situation I would look at starting off trying to find a flat share with a woman who only wants women. Remember that there are a lot of people in similar situations. I think you'd be surprised because they will be more of a friend to you than he is. Especially when he talks about a rental agreement with you. Save yourself.

Also, the casual suggestion that you could “lodge elsewhere” if something were to happen should be enough for you to end this. He doesn’t love you.

I took his mention of a lodger agreement to mean that he wants to make it abundantly clear that OP has no rights to this property.

He might not be looking to break up right now (especially if he's stuck by OP through difficult times so far). But he isn't ruling out a break-up, and wants to keep his house, which he/his inheritance has paid for (and which he maintains and does all the housework for).

OP has had quite a long time in the arrangements to date, in which she could have built up a nest egg, but circumstances have conspired to mean that hasn't happened.

I think OP should push back against being charged the full market rent for a 1-bed place, and instead look towards agreeing something at the lower end of lodger rates. But then put the difference between the two sums into her own savings, and slowly build up her finances.

In the meantime, OP, how happy are you in the relationship? Do you want to it to improve, and in what sorts of ways?

I do think I need to break all this down into small steps but I need to realise that the house is being sold regardless and I'll be moving somewhere in about 3 months time (which is how long he has told me it will take to sell roughly) it's all got very real very fast

I'm not sure I would want to live with someone with poor MH either, although if I loved them maybe it would be different. I do work, go on holidays and trips with him, clear up after myself at least even if I'm barked at for trying to hoover or clean the bathroom. I mask my depression very well and act 'normal' around him. He doesn't have to deal with my depression.

You are a lodger that has sex with her landlord.
Brutal but true.
Leave. He is horrible.

Not true. Read the thread.
She's just a lodger.

Oh, sorry. I will re read.
Apologies OP.

@Newposter180 I agree I think a BTL would be a bad idea, I don't think I could navigate this with my mental health. I did say this to him and he didn't really respond.

I think it's interesting that he didn't want "rent" from you when he had a mortgage. Probably because he knew it could give you a claim on the property. Now that there's no mortgage, he wants market rate.

If you're v going to be paying that you might as well get your own place.

He's not looking at you like a partner.

Do you want to continue to live with him? What positives does he bring to your life?
How do you feel about the thought of being on your own?

OP, I'm in your DP's shoes. I own my place outright, no mortgage. My bf is moving in and I will only be asking for equal share of bills plus a hundred or so to cover wear and tear.

There is no way I'm asking for market rent for a room. 1) it's not a room, it's a shared room he's getting and 2) I do not want to be his landlord, I want an equal partnership and 3) he can then save money for his own future security or if things progress then he can use his savings as a down payment for a bigger place together.

Also, we're moving in together with the idea that if things go well then we'll get married in a couple of years. When we're married, we'll both be protected that way.

I really don't understand your DP's mentality. He should protect himself, sure, but he should also want what's best for you. It should be a win-win situation.

Marriage isn't for everyone, sure, but I get the impression you've just drifted in to living together and haven't really discussed what you both want the future to look like. I'd have that conversation now if I were you.

He is right to protect himself and not add you to mortgage. I have done the same. It's normal and advised if you meet later in life. However charging you market rent is not ok at all. I own the house I live in with DP and I would never do that, he pays share of bills and that's it.

Your real problem is that he's not very nice to you, he's controlling and seems to want to profit from you. You would be better off leaving. Your self esteem will likely improve!

@popthepopcorns I'm terrified of being alone. I sometimes have dark thoughts (I'm ok and not planning on anything) and my current environment is a distraction from them.. just talking to him about general things helps me keep my mind off feeling low.

I don't think this sounds like a good relationship. In my relationship we have always put every penny in the one pot as such, but we both started with nothing as we were both from poor backgrounds and started out together young.

So I understand it's a bit more complex with him having his own property when you met. This is actually a concern of mine when kids are older as if we gift a property or a large deposit I think I would worry it was at risk if the relationship went sour. Maybe that's his concern, or are relatives in his ear trying to guide him? I'm not sure how we will navigate this as parents with financial input in the future.

We have always had everything in the same pot and upon reading the Dave Ramsey book total money makeover many years ago, we have treated our finances like a business. We sit together regularly to discuss all things money, past mistakes that we can see with hindsight, current situation and financial goals. This has worked well for us, but I can appreciate that some people don't like to do this.

I think it sounds like you aren't aligned financially and being blunt it's like he possibly sees you as a cash cow with regards to you paying the same amount as 1 bed flat? Everyone is quick to say rents are extortionate and his thinking is to charge his life partner, companion and woman he supposedly loves this amount, just because that's a good benchmark for him?

You have £20k, work 30hrs. Before saying you can't afford a property checkout london and country mortgage website/calculator. That way you will know if you have a way out of this situation should you need it.

If I was in this situation I'd feel very insecure and also hurt that resources were not being fully shared. I'd feel the relationship was quite immature and not a fully all-in scenario which I'd find disrespectful and unbalanced.

Is it a power thing, if he feels he doesn't want to be with you anymore he can simply ask you to leave? I think deep down I'd feel worried and at inevitable rocky times in any relationship, I'd feel threatened he had that power over my life, that he had the house and I'd be left with nothing.

If you asked him to marry you at the local registry office for the financial security, would he do it? And if no, then I think that gives you further information on where you stand.

You've been with him 9 years, can you use an app like deeper talks to navigate these topics a bit further before you make any rash decisions?

This doesn't sound good to me. I haven't rtft, hopefully everyone's opinion and advice gives you some insight. Good luck.

This. WTAF does he want £700 a month off you for if he's not going to be paying off a mortgage? That's not a relationship!

It should be a contribution to bills only. Then you also put money into a savings account of your own for security.

or just bin him

I may be completely wrong, but maybe the current situation is actually contributing to your depression? I can remember staying in relationships when I was younger because I was terrified of being alone, but then feeling so much happier when I was out of the relationship.

Being alone might not be as bad as you imagine, and the current situation can't be good for your self-esteem.

Have you talked to him completely frankly about the housing situation and how insecure it makes you feel?

Yes, depriving you of saving.

Exactly, he's breaking up with her and giving her notice

Get married, get out, or lose everything.