New house in DP's name only. Confused about future housing situation

[NamechangeForthisquestion1]

I'm just looking for some advice/opinions. Me and DP are not married. However we have been together for 9 years (we live in England). When I moved in, my name was not put on the mortgage, this didn't matter because it wasn't my property, we were also 'dating' at the time and I moved in as I was in a tricky situation housing wise so we decided to see how it went. Once I started working I paid around £400 per month, equating to around half the groceries and bills.

DP wants to move and sell the house. The mortgage has nearly been paid off. He is being gifted some £, so new house will effectively be paid for (once the current property sells.) there will be no mortgage. He has asked me to help out more financially, and mentioned a logder agreement, also asked me how much the rate is for private rent, which is around £700 in this area for a 1 bed flat, so he has given this figure + half bills and food as a rough idea for a contribution.

However I'm worried.. not sure if I should be? I just have a niggling feeling that if something should go wrong (either - he decides to split with me, Or he dies - he's 10 years older than myself). What happens to me. The house will go to any remaining family member or if there are none, to the government. He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere 😨 However he did say I'm on the will, I think this is for his pension only.

I just want to make it clear I'm not wanting to take any money from him, I'm not being greedy. I just want security for myself. I don't really care if I end up in a bed sit as long as it's secure, there's some sort of agreement in place or I own it with my own mortgage. It will be very tough to save for my own deposit if I'm contributing the rate of a rented 1 bed flat. I work compressed hours over 3 days (30 hours) I hate my current job and I'm looking for something else. Unfortunately due to a poor upbringing, and ongoing mental health issues I've not been able to have a 'career' I did try training as an OT but had to drop out after year 1, I was severely burned out and just couldn't manage. (I think I actually had a breakdown - I was prescribed AD's which made things worse).

He did say that getting a buy to let would be a good idea, I agree but I don't think I could deal with the complexities of this at the moment. I don't think I have enough for a deposit (I have approx 20k in savings).
Please be gentle 😅 he reads MN so will probably read this, I am only looking for opinions though. Thanks

The more I read the more I think he doesn’t want this relationship to continue, but for whatever reason he doesn’t have the nerve to tell you.

There was no conscious decision to move in together, he allowed you to move in with him to help you out of a tricky situation, it sounds like he’s financed you completely for a while, then allowed you to stay, paying a quite small amount of money (try finding somewhere else you can live for £400 a month all in!!).

There’s no intimacy and not once have you mentioned anything about love - from your side or his.

I think he’s explained to you exactly how he sees the relationship going forward - it’s a tenant/lodger arrangement and he’s not prepared to subsidise you any more. You just aren’t hearing it.

You’ve got 20k in savings. Move out, rent somewhere for a year, you can more than afford it. Increase your hours at work to full time or get a second job, you’ve currently got 4 days a week free!

Start standing on your own two feet and you may see a vast improvement in your self esteem.

You need to prioritise paying for ongoing support from an experienced and accredited psychotherapist. Stop paying DP, any money at all, for anything. Absolutely do not pay him a penny of 'rent' for a house he already owns! This is not a good guy, and you have enough else to deal with already. I wonder how many of your struggles have been exacerbated by being with him? Put your own needs first, and invest in your own mental health and wellbeing. The rest of your life could look very different.

@ToofHurty Oh I definitely want a second job..! I've been looking but I think I'd prefer another (full time) job entirely. At the moment I top up my salary with overtime at work but that's ending soon.

I've got a lot to think about.. I feel overwhelmed

It does make me sad that this is potentially how he's telling me he wants me to leave. I wonder how long I've been in denial for

The no intimacy comes from her though, so isn't likely to change with a new relationship.

Op do you think he wants to break up and this is a 'soft' wat to push you to do the breaking up ?

I’d rather live on my own paying 1k a month for your peace and security. He is the one that actulay just wants your money .

if anything happens to him you can “lodge elsewhere “ wow

say no and mean no .find you self a nice new place and nice new life . Do ongoing therapy and take classes for fun and to meet people

He is awful op. Please end this

I definitely won't be getting into another relationship if this one ends. It's not something I want and the idea of another man coming anywhere near me makes my skin crawl. I feel repulsed by men after I was harassed/assaulted- there's just so much I'd need to talk to with a counsellor.

Stop paying anything? No contributions to bills, food?!

*talk about

I suspect your relationship is in deeper trouble and more unstable than you have realised so he is keeping everything separate and suggesting you pay way over what you should as he knows your future together is dicey.
You can't just brush off no intimacy for years and expect things to carry on forever as they are, whatever the reason. It needs addressing, it will be the elephant in the room otherwise. Tbf to him, it's not his job to understand your MH and he has a right to not want to have to deal with living with someone with depression, particularly if it was already there when you met.
Could it be possible that his urge to move and overcharge you to stay, is him hoping you'll decide to move out without him having to say as much? Some people have difficulties with ending relationships and looking like the bad guy. He could be squeezing you out and hoping you will be the one to bring it up.

I agree, at £700 a month he is making money from you when he does not need it for a mortgage. I'd split all the bills 50/50 but would tell him to shove the £700 a month.

It definitely doesn't look like a partnership.
You need to protect your future. I wouldn't be happy paying £700/month rent plus bills etc while he has huge amounts of spare cash and you could be turfed out with nothing.

I hate confrontation and find writing out my thoughts then putting it to my husband in text/letter form helps me get my point across. Arguments can follow, but at least I've got out what I wanted to say.

I understand why the house is not in your name, but it sounds like he's either using you to make himself rich or making sure you can cope financially with rental plus bill costs so you'll manage independently when he asks you to leave.

If I was you I'd propose half bills, groceries etc plus a small amount towards home maintenance. Explain that you need to make sure you're financially secure in the future and want to save/invest/buy a properly and can't do this paying him all your spare cash.

Have you thought of holiday home investment? Cheaper than a house (but you can't live in it year round usually) and could give you a small income on your investment, with a management company taking a fee.

It sounds as though you are staying in this situation due to convenience and apathy and he feels a bit used. If he wants you to pay more, and you want to stay with him long term, then I think you need to have joint ownership.

That's incorrect- you're confusing a 'lodger' and a 'tenant' who lives in a self contained property without the landlord also residing there. OP would have no rights at all as a lodger, and he could just change the locks and leave her possessions outside the door if he so wished.
Op is purely a lodger in this situation and she's right to be concerned that she has nothing. He's a cunt and is totally unconcerned about her situation. In fact he's engineered it this way. Any decent partner, male or female, would have suggested reviewing the situation years ago when it became apparent that they were in a long term relationship. Charging her for the going rent in the area is so Outrageous!
OP - you'd be best off living in a cheaper house share or a small flat, adding to your savings when you can. Put your name down for local authority housing in the hope you may be allocated a council flat or housing association flat. Your mental health issues may help in establishing some priority as a vulnerable person. It will give you the all important housing security that you need.
Once you've moved out, you can choose whether to stay friends with your "d'p or look for a more equal and loving relationship. Op you're only 40, you can, and should, improve your life, your future, your security and your relationship. You can do this!

To be fair to him,he may not even consciously feel that, but he's showing it through his actions. You moved in together by default and it doesn't sound like you've been in a position to move out until recently.

I think you need to try to take this one step at a time, to stop yourself spiralling mental health wise.
Your first step is to decide if you want to move into his needs property or not. If you do but you feel £700 is too high, I would research how much a flat share costs and email him to say you will pay that plus bills monthly. If he says no, then apply for one of the properties you have researched.

And that's it for now. Don't worry about your savings and/or owning a property for life. Concentrate on making living arrangements that you are happy with when you move out of existing property as that's your absolute first step.

You mentioned you could probably afford counselling but which one.
You need to give one a try and if it doesn’t work then try another. I did that and have found the right person.

I agree that it's not much of a partnership

However, for the last 9 years he's subsidised your rent to the tune of tens of thousands and you haven't had the stress and risk of homeownership, and haven't even had to deal with housework.

Really this isn't about your partner right now this is about you standing on your own two feet.

OP has been living rent free for 9 years though. That's given her ample time to save and make her own property investments, which he has encouraged her to do.

Absolutely there would be screams of COCKLODGER!!! if this was reversed.

And did all the people calling her a 'lodger with benefits' miss the fact that the benefits have dried up?

It’s not too late to meet someone and set a life up with them.

This is the part that bothered me:

“He mentioned that if anything like that happened, worst case scenario is I could lodge elsewhere”

How much is his pension? Is it even worth being with him?

So many people projecting in this thread and not actually read what op said.

Yes I'm quite concerned that people think she got the bum end of the deal because he didn't decide to take on a dependent as a partner for the rest of his life.

He doesn’t want you to leave. His needs are being met and it works for him. It doesn’t work for you and I know you’re ground down. Ignore the weird projectors being cruel kicking you when you’re down. You can have a better life on your own.

I thinknyou know deepndown things aren't going good OP.
Not married, no kids, seperste finances ,more money wanted. All after 9 years commitment together is not good.

No you won't have a right to any of his finances and you will be homeless if he decides so your at his mercy. You need to have a chat re being given the chance to save more for maybe 2 years and then after that you'll re assess. In those 2 years pay you half of bills,but no rent and squirrel it away every penny to get that deposit up. Buy in a shitty area if needed or a doer upper 1 bed studio but buy something and then rent it out if needed to cover its mortgage so you have something on your name solely. He needs to understand that it's a relationship and you have given him an advantage in it by paying rent so far but now you'd like the same for a definite time( so your nit seen as taking the piss) and get on the ladder so your not screwed over if this all falls to pieces

Will your name be in the new house?

if not I’d split in a second. Wouldn’t even let the door hit me on the way out.

paying all this money for something you’re not benefiting from?

@MyGladEagle Probably because half of you can’t read properly, you can almost hear the screeching through these posts. Read what she says instead of projecting or assuming.