Threesome went wrong

[Cherryblossom85]

Hi all I'm posting this for a couple of reasons really.
One being I have noone else to get this all of my chest too as I haven't told any friends about it and Two to warn other how a potential threesome could go.

So here goes
I've been seeing a man for about 9 months, he has always treated me very well all the things I had been looking for including No games. Grounded. Mature. Kind . Funny and we have always just clicked from day one.

A couple of months ago we spoke about sexual fantasies his being a threesome, he said he would never make me feel pressured to do this though & was happy for it just to be a fantasy. As time went on I felt more comfortable with him sexually & said I would like to explore this with him .
He was clearly very excited & got to work straight away on joining dating sites & sites aimed for swinging / threesomes.
I left all that side to him as I'm not really into messaging people back & forth.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago he msg me and told me he has found someone, she would like to explore with us as a couple

He sent me the conversation between them and the photos they had exchanged, it was all very open and he said I could change my mind at any time ( which I have felt I can do)
We had arranged to meet her this friday just gone.
The past 2 weeks leading up to it, she is all he has spoken about it was like he was obsessed , i just said to myself well once it is out if his system maybe he wint be going on and on about her so much.
To cut a long story short ... we met her friday evening, I found her very attractive and there was an instant chemistry between us.
We all chatted for a while and then she made it clear she would like to take things further that evening so we booked into a hotel.
The thing is , she seemed very keen on me and was all over me , kissing touching etc. The man I'm seeing was initially into it he then turned and said to her can I join in now and she said no not yet I just want to be with her for a minute , so he respected that.
As things progressed she only wanted me , I stopped and asked her are you actually gay? Or not attracted to my boyfriend? That's ok if either of those things are correct however we were after a threesome, she then kissed him for a while and they started doing other things together ... I could see her actually wince though as if she just was not attracted to him in the slightest ... she kept turning back towards me and when he put his hand on her leg to get involved she said no and moved his hand off her.
It was all a bit awkward however I was quite enjoying being with her , I looked over at my boyfriend and he looked very angry , I had never seen him like this before!
She then went to the bathroom and he turned to me and said that he doenst want the threesome to continue and that he was going to offer to pay for her cab.
He was very short with me and it was clear he wasnt having a good time so I agreed.
When she came out of the bathroom I was polite and friendly and said it wasnt working for us as a couple and we would call her a cab. I was so embarrassed about my boyfriend's behaviour as he was grumpy now and didnt speak to her before she left. I walked her out to the cab gave a hug and said goodbye.
When I walked back into the hotel room my boyfriend was very cross and said shes obsessed with you! I said to him I'm so confused this is what your fantasy you have said for a long time that you wanted to see me with another woman .I understand she was more attracted to me then him however I couldnt help this.
Anyway his behaviour has now given me the ick and I dont think I want to see him anymore!. We went to sleep that evening and the next morning we went for breakfast he moaned about how expensive the bill for breakfast was ( it really wasn't) I had never seen him behave like this before now.
I offered to pay for it just to keep him quiet and to stop the moaning although it was his turn to pay as we often take turns.
I paid for the breakfast we got up to leave and his whole attitude was miserable. I tried talking to him and he was having none of it , again something I've never seen in him before as we have always communicated well.
By Saturday afternoon I was ready to go home , we had the weekend planned together but something had switched inside me after seeing him like this and I made my excuses and said I needed to get back as my children were coming back early . I made it up but I just had to leave , I couldn't stand to be around him.
I feel like theres no going back from this.
Any advice over what to do please?
Thanks in advance

I'm really not sure why you've brought your daughter into a thread about a middle aged woman having a threesome with a partner.

Perhaps but I think this is missing a key factor in hetero relationships, the physical imbalance. When we tell a woman to be careful of seeing a man, when we are hyper vigilant for red flags, it's a bit of a safeguarding thing as it can go so wrong for her. Meeting up with a woman, even if she turns out to be a creep, doesn't seem so dangerous so we are more likely to see only upside and cheer her on!

I think also that if OP does go ahead and meet this woman, she is doing it with her eyes open. I don't think she's expecting it to be some big love affair. She's just interested to explore that side of herself more and that's OK.

So the debate around if the 3rd was a man doesn't really apply to that. OP has always dated men, that's not something new. So if she were then going to meet that man then obviously the motivation behind it would be different.

Yes I agree, but when it comes to red flags I am thinking about the longer term also not just at the very start.

If I was bisexual then I would obviously be a lot more cautious about meeting up with a man than I would be about meeting up with a woman, but apart from that I think I'd be weighing up the red flags in the same way.

Yeah but people can also be vulnerable when exploring something new, especially if the other person is more experienced, which this woman obviously is if she has regular threesomes.

There can also be risks when exploring something new even if you're not going for a relationship.so personally I would be cautious about who I explored with and be conscious of red flags.

I hope you and the unicorn run off into the sunset together. That would be a great ‘How we met’ story 😁

I was simply projecting this scenario forward into her later years. Perhaps if more young people were given enough information regarding group sex & sex with random strangers they would think twice before participating. OP is fortunate she made a friend. It could have ended up extremely nasty.

It's not just the reduced physical risk, the woman's behaviour sounds off.

I mean, fine, take a chance but there are pages and pages about some woman swooping in on what she believes to be a member of a couple behind the back of the the partner she knew first, and painting it as a fun sexy opportunity. Maybe and hopefully it will turn out that way but her being a woman doesn't make it honest behaviour.

I wouldn't be naively rushing into something (even casual) that started this way male or female. The point of saying 'imagine the sexes were different' is to form a point of familiar comparison. Obviously there are different risks but there are similarities too

She’s a creep because she didn’t fancy the OP’s BF who seems to be a bit of a t-wat? So she decided to have some fun instead of pleasing this idiot who was clearly there to fulfill his fantasy of having Two women please him?

how dare she not go with his script?

Yeah, how dare she not goes with his script? The patriarchy did a number on you.

i care

i sure as heck don’t care about people who think the woman who squirmed, who flinched, turned her back on him and finally had to physically remove his hand “as toxic” as the man in this scenario

“immature”

A woman was flinching from him, turning her back on him and still he persisted until finally she had to physically remove his hand

No i'm just sick of you arguing with me on literally every thread i'm on.

I don't even have the crayons for you, but it appears feminism really did a number on you.

That's not immature, that's entitled and rapey.

exactly

and god forbid there hadn’t been another person in the room when he was ignoring her flinching and turning away from him

So there is no accountability at all for the woman who said "sure i'll have a threesome with you". Then changed her mind about the threesome, continued to drool over his partner, and completely ignored him without any communication stating "actually I don't want to have a threesome anymore".

Are we just in this world where women don't have to be accountable for anything anymore or something?

I think it's rapey of that woman to be texting the guys partner post event personally... but apparently creeps are only men these days? Weird...

The OP was clearly having a lot of fun with her, the unicorn too, so she text her next day. Where’s the “rapey” part?

She wasn't touching anyone who didn't want to be touched, unlike him.

Backing out of an encounter or setting limits during one isn't in anyway comparable to rape and no, there shouldn't be any "accountability" for that because she did nothing wrong.

I think it's entirely reasonable for the guest star to text the OP afterwards. It's not like she's sending unsolicited nudes. She may have got a hunch that the relationship might end soon during the failed threesome...

To be fair to him, she AGREED to a threesome with HIM. Ok she has the right to change her mind, but at the same time, if that is the case... COMMUNICATE. Otherwise the other person is confused no?

Oh right.. so it's ok for unicorn to smell death in the relationship and start circling.

I mean the madness here is that if this was a bloke it would be ENTIRELY a different story, but because unicorn was a woman everyone is literally "she did nothing wrong". Yeah, she did, she failed to communicate adequately, she was sniffing around the guys partner after the failed threesome and frankly she sounds like a creep.

But oh she's a woman so it's all fine. What the actual fuck.

@roses321

have you never gone along with something in a sexual experience that you’d rather not but you carry on because you worry about his reaction or you just think… i’ll carry on and it will be over quicker

I have
many have

Let’s say the OP had this (very common) fantasy of having 2 guys pleasuring her, let’s say she finally managed to convince her reluctant BF into a threesome. Let’s say some handsome guy showed up and she was left there feeling like a third wheel because the guys turn up to be more into each other than more into her. Now she opens a thread on MN because she’s pissed of that the guys didn’t fulfill her fantasy and they where there to enjoy themselves (how dare they?).

personally I would tell her to get a life, not everything is about her, and if she wants to find two people to fulfill that long time fantasy of hers she needs to clearly communicate this to both men or hire a male sex worker.

Yes and also the OP agreed on the understanding that it was a threesome also.

When she noticed the unicorn wasn't into it the OP even stopped to ask the unicorn if she was gay or not attracted to the boyfriend, and said that either of those were ok but that they were after a threesome.

At some point, whether that was before or during, the unicorn knew she didn't want a threesome but just decided she still had the OPs permission to continue with her one on one anyway.

Personally I haven’t.