Threesome went wrong

[Cherryblossom85]

Hi all I'm posting this for a couple of reasons really.
One being I have noone else to get this all of my chest too as I haven't told any friends about it and Two to warn other how a potential threesome could go.

So here goes
I've been seeing a man for about 9 months, he has always treated me very well all the things I had been looking for including No games. Grounded. Mature. Kind . Funny and we have always just clicked from day one.

A couple of months ago we spoke about sexual fantasies his being a threesome, he said he would never make me feel pressured to do this though & was happy for it just to be a fantasy. As time went on I felt more comfortable with him sexually & said I would like to explore this with him .
He was clearly very excited & got to work straight away on joining dating sites & sites aimed for swinging / threesomes.
I left all that side to him as I'm not really into messaging people back & forth.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago he msg me and told me he has found someone, she would like to explore with us as a couple

He sent me the conversation between them and the photos they had exchanged, it was all very open and he said I could change my mind at any time ( which I have felt I can do)
We had arranged to meet her this friday just gone.
The past 2 weeks leading up to it, she is all he has spoken about it was like he was obsessed , i just said to myself well once it is out if his system maybe he wint be going on and on about her so much.
To cut a long story short ... we met her friday evening, I found her very attractive and there was an instant chemistry between us.
We all chatted for a while and then she made it clear she would like to take things further that evening so we booked into a hotel.
The thing is , she seemed very keen on me and was all over me , kissing touching etc. The man I'm seeing was initially into it he then turned and said to her can I join in now and she said no not yet I just want to be with her for a minute , so he respected that.
As things progressed she only wanted me , I stopped and asked her are you actually gay? Or not attracted to my boyfriend? That's ok if either of those things are correct however we were after a threesome, she then kissed him for a while and they started doing other things together ... I could see her actually wince though as if she just was not attracted to him in the slightest ... she kept turning back towards me and when he put his hand on her leg to get involved she said no and moved his hand off her.
It was all a bit awkward however I was quite enjoying being with her , I looked over at my boyfriend and he looked very angry , I had never seen him like this before!
She then went to the bathroom and he turned to me and said that he doenst want the threesome to continue and that he was going to offer to pay for her cab.
He was very short with me and it was clear he wasnt having a good time so I agreed.
When she came out of the bathroom I was polite and friendly and said it wasnt working for us as a couple and we would call her a cab. I was so embarrassed about my boyfriend's behaviour as he was grumpy now and didnt speak to her before she left. I walked her out to the cab gave a hug and said goodbye.
When I walked back into the hotel room my boyfriend was very cross and said shes obsessed with you! I said to him I'm so confused this is what your fantasy you have said for a long time that you wanted to see me with another woman .I understand she was more attracted to me then him however I couldnt help this.
Anyway his behaviour has now given me the ick and I dont think I want to see him anymore!. We went to sleep that evening and the next morning we went for breakfast he moaned about how expensive the bill for breakfast was ( it really wasn't) I had never seen him behave like this before now.
I offered to pay for it just to keep him quiet and to stop the moaning although it was his turn to pay as we often take turns.
I paid for the breakfast we got up to leave and his whole attitude was miserable. I tried talking to him and he was having none of it , again something I've never seen in him before as we have always communicated well.
By Saturday afternoon I was ready to go home , we had the weekend planned together but something had switched inside me after seeing him like this and I made my excuses and said I needed to get back as my children were coming back early . I made it up but I just had to leave , I couldn't stand to be around him.
I feel like theres no going back from this.
Any advice over what to do please?
Thanks in advance

The responses would be so different if the third had been a man!

And then 2 days later, even though he knew that the night was likely to have caused issues between the couple he was messaging the woman to meet up with her 😂

No one would be thinking it was the start of a beautiful adventure/love story with this man who had regular threesomes, they'd think it was all just about sex and power 🙈

@kkloo if a man was posting on mumsnet about a MMF threesome arranged by his girlfriend and his girlfriend being pissed off that the dude was more into
him than her, I would be quite surprised at his choice of forum for the chat.

Because that would be the actual reverse situation, wouldn’t it?

@PansyPolly

I'm discussing a hypothetical scenario where the third in the OPs threesome had been a man. Most people would be saying to be careful. They wouldn't be thinking it was oh so exciting that she was going to meet up with him again 😅

I roughly agree with @roses321

It wasn't the woman's 'fault' it didn't work out and she certainly didn't owe anyone anything sexual but she had arranged to meet two people at the initiative of the man.

Once she had realised, at any point, that she was turned off him to the point of visibly grimacing etc that was her cue to say. 'so sorry Tony but I'm just not feeling the interaction with you. Would you both prefer we continue just me interacting with Cherie and you watch, or we call it a night? Nothing personal. Just now it goes sometimes'. Once OP noticed that she could have asked something similar of the room. It's fine to stop and regroup but not really nice to just push member of a couple out. Doesn't matter if some men are happy with that.

Obv it's turned out well as he has showed his real nature but the advice would be so very different if the sexes were shuffled. It's a delicate situation, nothing to do with entitlement but everything to do with communication and tact. Yes, even if it's a man.

Also, fun story re meeting the woman again and I hope it works out but I'd keep my eyes open. It's just a bit underhanded, contacting one member of a couple in a failed group situ. I wouldn't have really said the done thing if she didn't know you'd split before texting.

I think just badly handled all round. Drinks meeting first, all have a think and confirm is better

The golden rule of swinging is if anyone is unhappy it stops good boundaries and communication

people are just gloating because it’s the guy
but is sounds like the extra woman wasn’t into the guy. She should of been upfront and said this
she consciously turn her back on him and he was left sat on the end of the bed

Sorry but the woman and OP behaved poorly

Can't really come anything definitive as we don't know if the guy set things up with unicorn just promising her 'his' woman to play with.

But it's certainly not claiming that the man is a victim to say that if that was not the case, and a full threesome had been arranged, it would have been better for her to excuse herself when she realised she would not be into him - and not go from the bar to a hotel room with them.

And to the PP who objected to the use of the word 'play' - it's in use because it suits those involved better than other words - adults can play sports together too - and swinging is mostly a lot of fun.

“a full threesome had been arranged,”

Any arrangements are only ever provisional. It has to depend on the chemistry in the room on the day.

“when she realised she would not be into him - and not go from the bar to a hotel room with them.”

Ummm… she may have fancied him at the bar, then something about his behaviour or appearance once they were in the room made her feel differently.

I have been in group situations where things develop and I feel like doing certain things with certain people and not with others. This ain’t because I’m grading their appearance or something, it can be the vibe, the feeling they are a little pushy, maybe they like a slow pace and I like a quicker one, maybe I kiss them and just don’t feel it. Chemistry. It’s always going to be uncertain in a new situation.

Also… do posters who think the guest should have stopped proceedings REALLY think that the XP would’ve been sweetness and light about it?

”Bob, Jill… I know you want a threesome so I’m just going to come out and say that I really only feel chemistry with Jill, so I’m going to head off, unless you are happy just to watch, Bob?”

Bob would still have stropped that he didn’t want to buy breakfast cos he didn’t get laid, that his lifelong fantasy was ruined and the guest had no right to fancy Jill more than him. Don’tcha think??

OP said in an update that

yes she knew we were after a threesome, in our msgs we actually said that I would like to watch those two to begin with and then join in she said she was really into this in msgs.

Nobody's said he wouldn't necessarily have still been petulant about it and potentially deserving of dumping. We don't know. People are saying that the two women didn't handle it well either. The whole situation was handled wrongly.

It should have been stopped as soon as the second woman realised she wasn't interested in the man. He was allowed to be hurt or whatever by her expressions but he shouldn't have continued in the way he did.

It's not as simple as 'the man has been a dick'. That's kind of the point. Group sex in or with a couple isn't usually going to be simple and hadn't been thought throuh properly

Sigh.

I don’t think there’s any more I can say on this subject.

OP, have a great time with her on Thursday.

Night, all!

I have read entire thread

@kkloo I am so sorry you have been the victim of man raping you.

It makes your view about how this man didn’t consent for a woman to change her mind during a threesome without verbalising to him (although let’s be honest, removing his hand and telling him to stop seems damn clear to me) all the more unfathomable.

Throw in fact you have a daughter is the using on the cake

You will come back with some innane point about he didn’t consent to watching two women have sex with him not involved

but i sense that you do see how daft your position is however you’re as stubborn as a mule and won’t admit it.

So i think all of us who are 🤨 at your view should probably move on, knowing that @kkloo has got herself in to a bit of a hole here on this thread

I wonder what your daughter would say about user @kkloo if she read the entire thread without knowing you were her mother

Definitely. It was 'guest star' not 'guest artist' as I mentioned. I still find it funny. I just imagined the bit on the side rocking up in her chauffeur driven limousine shouting take me 😂

Well no, if you're insistent the two should have continued despite the second woman being visibly put off. We don't know the man wouldn't have been fine with a different approach. It's an assumption he wouldn't. A lot of this thread is not about his behaviour but simply quite gleeful that a man felt made a fool of but that's not really how to handle sex well in any combination.

The two women, that is

Reword! Tsk

Whenever threads like this come up I always wonder if during those random hookups are there ever emotions involved? It all sounds so loveless, cold & robotic unless like OP there is a genuine connection taking it further into friendship with view to a lasting relationship. I doubt this happens often though. 🤷‍♀️

Surely the point of random hookups is that it's about sex, and hopefully an easy friendly connection but not deep emotions or love? There are alternatives to robotic coldness and love. Sometimes it's just sex. What about friends with benefits?

I didn't get myself in a hole.

At least 4 or 5 other people also think the womans behaviour was also off. We're in the minority and I'm fine with that.

And my daughter doesn't have issues comprehending me or twist things that I say so she would get what I mean and see that I think there are red flags for both.

I see red flags with that woman in regards to boundaries and consent, and also the fact she messaged the OP two days later even though she knew the threesome had likely caused issues/arguments between them after.

If the third had been a man then I believe most would say be careful, sounds like he wanted to cuck your husband, and then he messaged you 2 days later to meet up, sounds like he gets a kick out of it, don't forget that he has regular threesomes, this probably isn't going to be the start of an amazing love story! He'll be onto the next soon!

You don't have to see the same red flags that I do, that doesn't make me or my views daft.

Ok, get your point but at least from my perspective friends actually know each other well & it's a Mutual decision not to be in a relationship. Having sex with total strangers thats another story. It's certainly not something I'd derive any pleasure from but as I always clarify, each to their own. If my daughter asked me if I would be happy if she was in a friends with benefits relationship or up for sex with random strangers I think she would know my answer, absolutely not.

Moral of the story, no discussing sex lives with parents or kids

I absolutely agree with this sentiment wholeheartedly.

I don't think the so called unicorn was innocent at all, she was as toxic as the boyfriend in my opinion. Someone was calling the guy a creep earlier in this thread, my opinion is that she's a fucking creep as well.

The only reason people aren't saying that is because she's a woman, but genuinely if it were a man... the uproar would be insane.

It's not about discussing sex lives. It's about discussing 'relationships' & making sure teenagers (especially) are aware of the dangers & things that can go wrong if they run around having sex with random strangers. Hopefully we raise children with enough common sense to make sensible decisions.